Signs

The Culprit

So, my friend’s son is 11 and likes dressing up in her clothes. She’s a bit worried, I think she’s over reacting….completely. What worries me more is that despite his lack of curves he still looks better in them then she does! Is this thing on?! I’ll be here all weekend.

“There’s your sign,” is the oft-quoted punch line of the great comedian Bill Engvall. But you know what?! I’m Sherry Davey and I believe not everything’s a sign. I kissed a girl when I was in college that didn’t make me a lesbian….it made me an alcoholic.

So he likes to dress up in womens clothes, he’s experimenting. I remember thinking I’d never survive puberty so I have a particular soft spot for those going through it. When I hear the numbers 11, 12, or 13 something happens to me. If the butcher asks, “Is 11 ounces of turkey breast okay?” I feel like I’m going to weep.

He’s experimenting for god’s sake. Relax already before you give yourself a heart attack was my advice to her. And if he grows up and still wants to wear womens clothes….so be it. Leave him alone. Lily likes playing with elephants…that doesn’t mean she’s going to grow up to be a Republican….we hope.

I happen to adore gay men. If it weren’t for the gay circuit my career would never have gotten off the ground. But I’m not saying he’s gay…I just happen to think he looks better in skirts than pants.

They Grow Up So Fast

Lily Wearing A Dress She Picked Out All By Herself, 8/24/06

Lily dressed herself for the first time this past Thursday. She generally prefers taking off her clothes to putting them on (please tell me this will end before puberty) so I was quite thrilled to find she'd gone upstairs and picked out a dress all by herself. I'm so proud.

She had a bit of trouble with the shoulder straps (as one can see) but she still managed. I don't think she'll be designing any dresses for Project Runway right away but she's definitely maturing....and she seems to be maturing overnight! When I went into her room this morning, she stood there with her hands on her hips and snapped, "Get out of my room!" So I of course, being the mature nurturer replied, "Get out of my room? Get out of my house!" That went well.

Friday, 8/25/06, I did a show in Pennsylvania. On the way there we hit a lot of traffic. She sat patiently in her car seat listening to the baby dance music on the stereo, she's such a good girl. Sadly, mommy is not. More than once, I let road rage get the better of me and let loose a bit of colorful language. Upon hearing it the second time, she took the pacifier out of her mouth (I let her have it on long car trips) and said, "Enough mommy!" I was quite embarrassed. She chucked it towards me saying, "Here, use this to calm yourself down." She gave me back my own advice....verbatim.

They grow up so fast....maybe I will too.

The Simple Things

Lily Baking Brownies

We are truly in what they call the dog days of summer. We’ve done the beach, the aquarium, the botanical gardens, visited friends far and wide, traveled to zoos all over the eastern seaboard and every museum within a hundred miles of Brooklyn…and now I’m done. It's enough to make one break out the Red Bull Martinis. This mum is all tapped out of ideas and energy when it comes to our little summer enrichment program. Time for school to start already! September 5th can’t come soon enough.

Yesterday, we had a visit from Lily’s paternal grandparents. Before they arrived I asked Lily to help me bake some brownies. She adores cracking eggs and is significantly better at it now. She used to crack and squeeze them till the entire shell was smashed. She seems to harbor some sort of resentment towards eggs makes me think she doesn’t want a little sister or brother. She loves beating them too; she got positively medieval with the whisk.

As you can tell from the photo she helped herself to some of the batter too. She was so sweet and helpful that I couldn’t say no to her licking the spoon and mixing bowl. And yes, that’s an official Comedy Central cookie jar in the background. That’s what happens when you perform on cable. They don’t pay very well but they give good schwag (free crap).

So if you’re like me and are tapped out of ideas for lazy summer days and rainy ones too…break out the cake or cookie mix. It’s cheap, it’s easy and when it’s all done you get a reward too.

When Your Kid's Best Friend Is Your Worst Nigtmare (Update)

Hello dear readers, it is I, your fellow mummy and comedic counterpart. Be sure to have your coffee (hopefully spiked) on hand for this one and don't forget to turn off your cell phone, as you won't want to be interrupted.

You may remember a few days ago my initial post on this topic if you don't, here's the summary: Lily has a friend whose behavior is a bad influence...and she's really annoying! From chewing with her mouth wide open, to the constant sharp "NO" retorts that sting like stab wounds, to her particularly horrid behavior towards her mother (especially in front of Lily - she definitely likes an audience), 5 year old Emily is the bane of my existence. She is 44 pounds of pure evil.

I grappled in that post with my fear of becoming an over bearing mother. That fear is well grounded, as I am the first born of Jane Hussein...my own hyper controlling mum. My mother was so controlling that when she was giving me my first (of many unfortunately) Toni Home Perms, she even went out and bought different sized (much smaller) rods because she thought the manufacturer got it wrong. And why wouldn't they? Their only business was hair care but what did they know?! She was a Certified Home Health Aide for god's sake! She obviously knew better. I begged her to stay with the bigger, longer rods but alas she would not. When the whole thing was over I won my first dog show....as I looked like a scared poodle. I did win best in breed though...of course, we're English!

Molly, one of our gentle readers, gave some well-healed advice. Just sit back, don't say too much, reinforce the positive and give lots of unconditional love. I'm doing just that. Emily came over yesterday, I did limit the visit to two hours by telling her we were having an early dinner though.....bwa ha ha (evil laughter). After she left, Lily was very happy. She ate her dinner.....did not chew with her mouth open and replied with yes's and no's to various questions. It was thoroughly pleasant.

From now on, when she brings someone home I'm really not too thrilled with I'm just going to take a deep breath and deal....unless they're John Mark Karr of course. Because, I really think my sister married her first husband just because my parents didn't like him. And you know what else is really helping me in all this? Sangria. After two tall glasses of my delightful new friend nothing seems that bad after all.

Cheers.

Escape From New York

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve threatened to leave NYC I’d have at least $5000 (I’m not kidding). This town, especially Brooklyn, (where we live) can really get under your skin. To say that urban living, especially the New York City kind, is a “grind” is like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer was just a confused young man.

We’ve been planning on leaving the city for years…five years from now I may be saying the same thing to you. It seems like people in New York are always saying that. For one thing, I’m afraid I’m going to turn into one of those little old ladies on the street that yells at people. I had a vision of my future last year at the Thanksgiving Parade. As we stood there on the avenue awaiting the giant turkey balloon, we noticed a little old lady marching in the parade. She didn’t know she was marching in the parade. She just went out for a walk and must have gotten lost. However, every few minutes she would turn around, wave her cane and scream, “Stop following me!” That’s going to be me unless I get outta here.

However, I had a moment with Lily today that reminded me why we chose to have a child in this city. Lily, our three-nager, asked me if we could go to the Prospect Zoo this morning. I was really thrilled that she asked me to go because it’s usually me doing the suggesting. Anyway, back to the story, while we were taking in all the lovely animals at the zoo (if you’ve never been it’s perfect for little ones – not too much walking and plenty of hands-on exhibits), we happened upon a production of Wildlife Theatre. This particular show featured actors portraying creatures indigenous to urban environs: ducks; squirrels; and pigeons. Did you know that a pigeon is really a Rock Dove? Who knew?! I just thought they were flying rats.

Anyway, the show was absolutely adorable and Lily (like most of the other children) was completely enthralled. It was just one of those things that one stumbles upon in NYC all the time - a free, educational and totally entertaining event for kids. I’ve been to many parks on Long Island (a popular New York suburb) over the years and I’ve never stumbled upon anything like this. You just can’t beat New York City. We were just in Maine and the closest thing to a zoo we saw was a Petco. Pathetic.

So we left the zoo happy and fulfilled….until we saw a homeless guy taking a dump on the edge of the park. Now that’s truly Wildlife Theatre.

Check out this link:

http://nyzoosandaquarium.com/ppz_news/wildlifetheaterppz

Hot Child In The City

Enough with the little girls with the 'Juicy' brand emblazoned on their butts already. I was never one for product placement to begin with but the 'Juicy' thing really puts me over the edge. My neighbor's 9 year old wears ultra mini-skirts with 'Juicy' on what's left of the backside of the skirt. She's like an amber alert centerfold....very inappropriate.

Sherry Davey here, your personal, professional comedian and outraged parent. The whole 'Juicy' thing is actually making me nostalgic for the days of the 'My Pretty Pony' t-shirts. It's one thing to dress like a stripper when you're an adult but I think little girls should at least have the opportunity to grow up, develop bad taste and make the decision to dress like whores themselves. I wonder if the 'Juicy' clothing line comes with a free pole and a CD of suggestive, hip hop music.

In order to put off would-be molesters and wandering eyes I think 'Juicy' should be replaced with 'Stinky' or how about 'Illegal'?! Or how about this one, 'I Have Round The Clock Supervision, My Mother Never Lets Me Out Of Her Sight'. That should work. Then get the kids to exercise because if all that can fit on their butts we've obviously got bigger problems.

When Your Kid's Best Friend Is Your Worst Nigtmare

Lily, our 3 year old, completely worships 5 year old Emily from around the corner. Lily even mentioned her while we were away on holiday, "I wonder what Emily is doing today." Meanwhile, it wasn't like anyone was having a temper tantrum or demanding their own way , so I don't know what made her think of Emily. She just did because she adores her....I don't.

Emily is a sweet little girl with some very distinct behavior problems. Now you've heard me complain about other kids before (especially if you regularly drop into my blog). Is this a familiar lament of all parents?...my kid's best friend is my worst nightmare. Maybe I'm being too hard on all these kids but I have to say...it's a rare occassion when other people's children (and their parents) don't horrify me with their general lack of socially acceptable behavior. And I thought my husband's friends were bad enough! Now I have a whole new slew of people to hate. Life just gets busier all the time.

But what do I do? Bring Lily to a hypnotist to help her forget about Emily? I try to limit their interaction but even when she's busy doing other things (or playing with kids I adore) she still brings her up. Maybe I'm interfering in her social life too much. Am I turning into my mother? I actually said 'rouge' the other day so maybe the metamorphosis is already underway. Please help me with this one guys. You know what they say...it takes a village...an iVillage...so feel free to give me some advice.

Family Friendly Vacations

Our little pirate, Lookout Lily, and her jolly roger.

Don't you just love how every travel destination out there claims to be family friendly?....even when they're not! Ever hear of Disneyland?? Complete sensory overload and ridiculously expensive. Now Cape Cod claims to be family friendly and truly is. We just returned from a working holiday in Hyannis. I headlined at the Cape Cod Comedy Lounge on August 5th & 6th but spent the remainder of my time with our little family enjoying the cape.

Cape Cod is so much better for families than the Hamptons. You don't have to worry about drunken, female yuppies flashing your kids while screaming out, "I'm so friggin' horny." There is so much to do at the Cape for kids of all ages....not just the beach....our toddler, Lily, was completely content. There's the ZooQuarium, the outdoor arcade complete with bouncy house and carousel, great playgrounds and of course the Pirate Cruise.

If you're ever in Cape Cod you really must do the Pirate Cruise....even if you don't have kids. You meet at the dock a half hour before sailing to get all geared up with face paint, tattoos and pirate beads. Then, it's off to sea for a one-hour treasure hunt. It's fabulous! The kids are screaming with excitement the whole time.

They only employ Irish teens, real ones from Ireland, to crew the boat. Their accents make the voyage that much more authentic. There's only one problem, they were all a bit drunk (but they didn't flash us). In fact, it was the kind of drunk even the Kennedys wouldn't approve of. So in this inebriated state, they proceeded to swear at all us would-be pirates. And you know how English people swear?! Well, we sound like alter boys compared to the Irish.

When they pulled up the pre-set treasure chest full of rubbishy toys (it was beter than gold to the kids) the blonde Irish pirate told all the kids to only fill one hand with booty and to put the other behind their back. "If you put both in the treasure I'll have to cut one of the f*ckers off!" She exclaimed. A boy who looked about 8 turned to his mother and said, "I think she said F." It was truly hilarious. The only thing more funny than the swearing pirates was the reaction on all the parents faces - a mix of shock and disbelief. They looked like I-can't believe-I-paid-$20-a-person-for-this.

Next time you're in Cape Cod I really recommend the Pirate Cruise but don't forget some earplugs for your kids.

Trying Not To Get Caught Up With Competitive Parents

"Look, Chris can write his name and he's only 2. Lily's 3 why can't she write hers?" This was a question put to me today by my friend's clueless husband - Luke. Sherry Davey in the house, your personal comedian and fellow mom just trying to make it through another day without putting a gun to my wrists.

Now I know Luke's a total mouth breather but really, doesn't he realize at all how competitive mothers are? I'm trying to let my daughter Lily develop at her own pace and not push her. Despite the fact that we spend an hour every day practising site reading flash cards, that she's already taking French classes and that she's signed up for soccer this fall, despite all that we're not pushing her...I swear.

Why am I getting caught up in all this? I don't want to be like one of those competitive parents. I'm proud that Chris can write his name at age 2. I'm happy for the little creep. I also know that Chris' parents are Nazis. I'm sure they're beating the education right into him.

Lily is a healthy, happy toddler who just doesn't want to write her name yet. Yes, that's it. She doesn't want to lower herself like a trained seal for your enjoyment Luke. I applaud her defiance in the face of needless competition. Don't write your name until you're ready my little darling....but when you do make sure it's in front of everybody!

Playground Etiquette

It’s bad enough that people don’t bring toys for their kids to the park, for some strange reason they also feel it's appropriate to bogart ours or walk off with them! Sherry Davey here, your fellow mommy and personal comedian. I'm all riled up today and it's not from the heat it's from inconsiderate parents!

I have to put Lily's name on all her toys now because it seems people think it's okay to steal. Today, some guy tried to walk off with her scooter in the park! PS - Her name is underneath the foot panel (or whatever it's called). I pointed that out to him but that didn't phase him. He just gave me a smirk and said, "My bad." My bad? Dude! It's a Barbie scooter I'm sure it's not your son's! We're all sleep deprived but that's not an excuse for thievery. And by the way, we all work okay?! We're all tired, we're all busy but it's still your job to provide amusement for your child...not mine. We don't mind sharing but can someone remember to bring their own toys? Borrowing is okay but for god's sake stop Bogarting our toys!

Good Friends Bad Kids, Part Deux

“There’s no such thing as a bad boy!” Exclaimed Father Edward J. Flanagan in the famous book slash film BOYS TOWN. Well then, the good father never met Ethan because this kid is a royal pain. Sherry Davey here, a fellow mommy who just happens to be a professional comedian as well. I’m not sure if you remember my first blog on the topic of Good Friends Bad Kids so here’s an in-depth synopsis: my friend’s son is a spoiled brat. I plan on making this into a series so this definitely qualifies as Episode 2 in the saga.

So grab yourself a cup of coffee ‘cause you don’t want to miss this one. Make sure it’s got that cardboard condom on it ‘cause you just may grab it too hard while laughing and burn yourself. (You know we live in a litigious society when even bloggers are giving disclaimers.) Now I need to confess something to you. I have a friend whose child is so spoiled and behaves so badly that I’m now actively avoiding her. I’ve tried subtle and not so subtle hints like, “Can you leave him home for our next play date?”

She’s a dear friend and a great gal, someone who’s company I always enjoy. I used to look forward to our play dates…not any more. now I dread them. I think Lily does too. When I told her today that Karen and Ethan were stopping by she said and I quote, “I’m busy.” She’s three folks!

Any rate, they stopped by to quickly drop off a birthday present for me (not dropping by would have been the best present of all). Yes, it was my birthday yesterday, no biggie. They weren’t in the door five minutes and he was acting up. (Some present!) When Karen tried to hand me the present he grabbed it away from her and tore it open. It was a DVD of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN…my new favorite movie. (That’s how little sex my sleep-deprived husband and I are having that I’m actually enjoying watching gay men having it now.)

Anyhoo, the little bastard could see from the cover that it was not animated (how little he knows) and literally threw it in his mother’s face proclaiming, “It’s not SpongeBob!”
He’s a lovely child. Karen did nothing of course except say in her best I’m-trying-to-be-stern-but-I’m-really-a-pushover-voice, “Ethan, that was not nice.”

I must say I’m proud of myself for this, and I really said this, I don’t know where it came from, “Ethan don’t ever do that to your mum again. If I ever see you throw anything at anyone again I’m going to hurt you. Now go stand in that corner for five minutes while your mother and I discuss your punishment!”

Karen almost fainted. “Please tell me you’re about to pass out from embarrassment due to your son’s behavior not the heat,” I replied. She proceeded to tell me that he’s acting out due to back-to-school anxiety. Folks, he’s four and he’s never even attended school, so he’s not got back to school anything! She was very cross with me for over-stepping my bounds meanwhile he did this in my house, in front of my child.

I was at the end of my tether. We’re never able to get together without the kids so it’s the two of them or nothing – deal or no deal. Well you know what, No Deal! I pass or whatever the bloody hell it is they say on that show. I told her to leave and take her son with her…..but I kept the DVD of BROKEBACK of course.

Back To School For The First Time

Hey there mommy or mom-to-be! It is I, Sherry Davey, your personal comedian and fellow traveler along this journey we call motherhood. Now stop crying, but keep the Kleenex on hand because I’m about to change those tears of sadness (or more likely relief) into tears of laughter because it’s my first Back To School Blog.

I can’t believe it’s almost here! It seems like just yesterday we were taking her home from the hospital. Sounds like a corny opening line from one of those Lifetime Movies but it’s true. The longer I’m a mother the more I feel like I’m living in one of those movies. Maybe I’m turning into Meredith Baxter Birney. “You will not leave me Dan Broderick!” How awesome was she in that film?! It was so over the top. I think A WOMAN SCORED: THE BETTY BRODERICK STORY is to women what MOMMIE DEAREST is to the gay community.

But I digress……school is almost here and I am overwhelmed. Lily will start her first day of big girl school this fall when she attends our local school for Pre-K. I cried tears of joy when she was accepted into the school because the matriculation process was fraught with anxiety – will she be accepted? Are the classroom sizes too big?

We got up at 5 in the morning on the day registration began just to make sure we were the first ones there because the school is actually that popular and that good. Registration began at 9 but by 6 the line was already around the block….but we were first! I almost got into a fish fight with a woman when I stepped out of line to call my husband on the cell. I was just trying to be polite and make sure I didn’t wake them all from their standing sleep when this woman repaid my consideration with a stealthy, quick, I’m-quietly-stepping-forward-and-going-to-take-your-spot move. I said out loud, “I don’t think so!” I thought she was going to throw her coffee at me. I would never dream of such a thing! Why waste a perfectly good latte on a snake like her?!

Any rate, she’s in! We already purchased a fabulous new SpongeBob backpack with matching sippy cup. I’m actually very excited for her. She will walk to school every morning with all the other bigger girls from the neighborhood….a prospect Lily is positively thrilled about. (There are so many women in this neighborhood. Almost all the children are girls, I swear with all the hormones raging I get bloated just walking down the street.) Ever since she was 10 months old, Lily has been watching those bigger girls pass by our house on their way to school. Now, she’ll be joining them. I’m getting choked up writing this.

Okay enough, now here come those laughs I promised:

Jane Hussein (my mother) claims that I really made her laugh when I came back from my first day at school. She states that I said and I quote, “I think we need a new teacher.” “Why is that?” She asked. I replied, “Because she doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers!” Ha ha, a comedian was born.

5 Things To Do With All That Free Time You’ll Have:
1) Go get a manicure, don’t do it yourself. The hand massage is the best part and it’s cheaper than a facial.
2) Go to the gym.
3) Watch TV.
4) Don’t go to the gym. Watch TV AND eat your favorite snack and delight in the fact that you don’t have to share it with anyone.
5) Make a sibling for your little one. That’s right, even if they’re only going to nursery school that’s 2.5 hours you didn’t have before so get busy….and it only takes seconds…well around here it does.

Good luck.