Picture Day At School

Today is picture day at Lily's school for the Pre-K classes. I think I put way too much thought and effort into this....actually that's code for I just stressed my child and myself out needlessly. She wouldn't stand still while I brushed her hair (for the 12th time) so I yelled at her. I'm an ass, I really question my abilities as a parent every day I'm not kidding.

And why did I yell at her for not standing still?! She's three for god's sake! She never stands still, she was merely standing on precedent. But like the overbearing ass that I am I had to lose it and yell at her. Her little bottom lip started to pout and she got all weepy. Then before you know it she was prostrate with tears and wiping the dribbling snot from her nose all over her face....and right into her hair! That'll make a nice shot, thanks mum.

I really screwed up this time.....again. As I walked her to school, I kept saying, "I love you, you look so beautiful my smart girl." She kept flashing me little looks of distrust. I kept looking nervously over my shoulder for a government-looking black sedan from social services to pull up and take her away. I felt and still feel like such a heel. I only want the pictures to reflect how beautiful she is (I'll post them as soon as I get them).

Whenever I see one of my old school pictures it looks like there's a ton of grease in my hair and my clothes look like I was pulled through a bush backwards. My mum never put any effort into making us look nice on picture day. Oh wait, that's not true! I'd forgotten that every time before we left the house on picture day mum would lick her thumb and index finger to smooth down my cowlick. Thanks. I can still smell her cigarette smoky saliva in my hair.

"And remember to smile, " she'd scream out, " 'cause when you don't you look like your father!" At the time, that was a big insult. They weren't divorced or anything they were just catholic...which means you don't get divorced you just hate each other until you die....such a healthy religion. It's all about the love.

Any way, I digress....let's hope I didn't stress out my child enough that her pictures look like registration day at Camp Gitmo. I need to prioritize more and not get so stressed out about silly details. Please tell me I'm not the only one out there that does this. Please tell me I'm not alone in my ass-ness.

Sherry Got Bit By Fox

Hello there. I don't know if you had a chance to tune into my appearance on the Fox News Channel's DAYSIDE yesterday (9/26)....if you did thank you if you didn't don't worry you didn't miss much...and I'll be on again soon. They had 3 experts on to discuss topical news and then there was me...the quote on quote 'wild card'.

The reason I'll be on again soon was that I really stirred up their viewing audience with what I thought was a somewhat harmless remark,"I don't think the president cares about us." You would have thought I said he killed Jon Benet or something. I guess I hit a raw nerve with their conservative vewing audience because they googled me and went hog wild with their hate emails.

Here are just as few of the comments from their emails...don't worry, I've cleaned them up for you, they're quote amusing:

"I just caught your dribble on Fox News, and want to know who writes your defacation? Having never heard of you or saw any of your shows, I can only assume that your comedy content comes from the Middle East, supplemented by the dimwits over at the A.C.L.U. I cannot fathom that someone making a good living in our country believes that the president doesn't care about the American people."

[He's right, the president does have something to do with me making a good living...he's half my act.]

"After seeing you on Fox today, I say stick to comedy....I thank God that George Bush is our President. Wake up!!!"

"You are simply another big-mouthed, unfunny, ignorant celebrity. Next time you visit England stay there."

Despite being big-mouthed, unfunny and ignorant I'm just thrilled that this guy thinks I'm a celebrity!

Sherry Davey on Fox News Channel's "Dayside" Tues., 9/26, 1:30PM Eastern

Hey my peeps! Just wanted to let you know that I'll be appearing on the axis of evil's news network FOX NEWS CHANNEL'S "DAYSIDE" at 1:30pm Eastern standard time today. 9/26. (Please check local listings) Wish me luck. I'm going to be on the show with three serious people debating politics while still trying to be funny.

My Nephew Has Control Issues

What's this?...a male with control issues. No! That's never happened before. Stop! Surely I jest. My nephew Brendan, 4, is now in Pre-K. Since beginning Pre-K, Brendan is definitely trying to take back control of his life.

Up until September 7, 2006, Brendan had no trouble making poopie on the potty. Now, he just can't seem to remember if it's the potty he should use or the sink or the shower. Every night is like Pearl Harbor with this kid. There's no warning, no official apology from the Emperor of Japan, he's just dropping bombs all over the place.

His therapist, yes he has a regular therapist, (we live in New York and there's just not enough kids to play with after school) bless her heart thinks he's going through some sort of crisis. Perhaps, yet crisis is hardly the word I'd use. Whatever, she has to justify those over-priced 45-minute sessions somehow.

I think it's more like a crisis of control. He is now going to school every day at a set time. It's not nursery school anymore. He must attend the program daily. No more, "he's just not up to it today," or "he's too tired to attend." It's school, it's life, it's every day whether we're ready or not and that's a hard adjustment to make. Lily, our little Pre-K-er, says to me every morning and I quote, "Mommy, I like school but why do I have to go every day? It's just too much." I say, "Why do you have to go every day?....because there is a god and she's a mommy too." (If only....don't get me started on the whole god thing.)

School Daze

I spoke with Lily's teachers yesterday and apparently she's having trouble paying attention in school. Not a shocker, she's 3. She has trouble paying attention at home, watching TV and even while playing with her friends. Countless are the times that she's been playing with her friends and I hear their frustrated little voices crying out, "Lily! Watch what you're doing!"

That's one of the reasons why I used to not worry about swearing in front of her because she never seems to listen to anything I say anyway. To my credit I only swear in front of her in the car. We live in Brooklyn...give me a break. I was under the impression that she couldn't hear me because I usually have her music turned up.

Well they had a clown in school yesterday. A 'Safety Clown' who teaches them about not touching the stove, etc. Well, he cleverly turned the lessons into a song. At the end of the song he honked his clown horn and Lily screamed out, "F*cking idiot!"

It turns out she was paying attention in the car. Her teacher was quite alarmed at my parenting skills or lack thereof. After the shock and embarrassment sunk in I did the Republican thing.....I tried to put a positive spin on it. I said, "Oh well, at least she won't have trouble with the alphabet. She's got two letters down...F U."

Ethan isn't the only potty mouth around here....I'm guilty too.

Good Friends, Bad Kids Part V

Okay, now the last time we spoke about my friend and her oh-so-naughty son Ethan he was having trouble adjusting to Pre-K. Well, I had a call from her because yesterday was parent/teacher conference day. It appears that Ethan's teacher, who is "obviously under-qualified because she can't tell the difference between a temper tantrum and a genius emoting," is not alone in her "jealous" assessment of his immaturity. It appears she's got the principal on her side. My friend even suggested that perhaps the teacher is "involved" [sexually] with the principal, "I can think of no other reason for him to take her side."

I tried to reason with her, I gently suggested that, "If more than one educational professional is advising you that your child needs behavioral support in order to just remain in the classroom then maybe you can do something to help." Take the proactive stance, I was running out of ideas and steam. Lily was up at 5:30 again yesterday. I asked her, "Where you going fishing?...Get back in that bed!"

I couldn't sway her from her ranting that the teacher is "obviously jealous of his natural abilities." What are natural abilities anyway? The ability to reproduce, turn food into energy, etc.... I don't think they have anything to do with whacking other children during free time and swearing. Yes, it turns out that Ethan is a violent little potty mouth who likes to scream "F*ck no" and then smack people. I think he's been watching too many Sopranos episodes. This kid would have made a great Nazi.

I couldn't make her see reason so in the end, I just wound up agreeing with her and pressing buttons on my phone pretending that they were call waiting and saying, "Gotta go, that's another call."

The Terrorizing TSA

I flew to Spokane, Washington this weekend for a gig. The TSA (the Transportation Security Administration) seized my Renew contact lens solution in the name of national security (because it was 8oz and not 4oz). We're not allowed to bring any more liquids on the plane unless they meet the strict standards of the TSA....but we're still allowed to carry on frickin' 12" knitting needles! Does anyone see a problem with this picture??!!....hello?…is this thing on??….oh yeah and I feel so much safer now that no one is allowed to bring hair gel on the plane. I never trusted that Aussie Mega. Give me a break.

When my $9 bottle of Renew was pinched by the TSA I was profiled....apparently, redheads are the enemy now... and given a body search. I was so annoyed (by the pilfering of the Renew not the pat down) that I went to the bar and had a double martini. It wasn't so much the 'being felt' up by the chunky yet manly female TSA agent that bothered me, it was the way in which she did it.....our eyes never met, she was so cold. It was like a one night stand with airport ambience.

So after two delays, by the time we were finally boarding I was a little tipsy. I was still clutching the martini as I handed over my boarding pass. The gate agent became all snippy and was like, "You can't bring that drink on the plane...regulations." I said, "Sweetie, if mama doesn't get to bring her medicine onto this plane there's going to be some real trouble....now you're talking real terror."

Needless to say, I almost didn't make the flight. Delta employees have become so hostile where’s their sense of humor? I won't be flying their not-so-friendly-skies anytime again soon.

Babysitter Blues

I’m about to go off the deep end and I don’t want to take Lily with me so I need a regular babysitter to provide a little relief a few hours a week. Those of you who have your mother and your mother-in-law close by stop whining about their proximity and your ‘lack of space’. Be thankful you have their help. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent (forget great) babysitter these days??!!

In the past 3 and a half years I’ve only met one terrific sitter but she’s not available before 2:30 every day. And because she’s so terrific she’s not always available as she has a long list of loyal customers. And the young girls in my neighborhood no longer baby-sit. I used to baby-sit when I was a teen. I still pity the kids who were left in my care. I basically put them to bed as soon as their parents left and spent the rest of the night yelling at them to get back in it.

One night I was babysitting for a bunch of boys. I think there were three. One kid kept creeping down the stairs and I would bark at him, “Get back up there!” About an hour later, a neighbor rang the doorbell asking if her son was there. “No,” I replied. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here mum but she won't let me go home."

Teenagers no longer baby-sit nor cut lawns in my affluent little neighborhood. They’re above that apparently or they’re just bloody lazy or maybe they have (finger quotes) allergies – what babies. I’ve suffered from dreadful allergies my entire life but that didn’t prevent my dad from making me mow the lawn every Sunday morning. My eyes would tear so much it looked like I was having a half-acre sob every weekend! It was almost enough to make me start going back to church again - any excuse to get out of it. But my dad knew better, he could see into my heathen, little lazy soul. And no one ever ran to my aid. My mum would bring me one of my dad’s filthy hankies and say, “Get on with it already!”

These jobs seem to be filled only by immigrants now a days. You know, maybe if we could get the teens to cut the lawns and baby-sit again we could stem the tide of illegal immigration. We wouldn’t need any more racist propositions like the ones they have in California - just end the demand and the supply will wither. This is basic economics people. Just give the teens Claritin to help with their apparent allergy to work.

Life Affirming Moment on 9/11 Anniversary

So by now you know that my firefighting brother-in-law Peter was killed on 9/11. Yesterday, I packed up Lily and met my husband at Ground Zero to go into 'the pit' as part of our memorial service. I didn't tell Lily anything about the tragic events that unfolded 5 years ago I merely told her we were going to lay down some flowers.

To my surprise there were many children down there this year - more than I'd ever seen before. They ranged in age from 1 to about 9 - the ones we saw. I was a little worried about all the sadness Lily would be exposed to but to my great delight the children provided a much needed, life affirming levity to the proceedings.

The reflecting pools placed on the footprints of the towers had wooden edges (for lack of a better term) the one could write on. Many of the people had scribbled loving sweet messages and heartfelt tributes on them. However, intermingled with all these in giant letters were the words PEE PEE. The moment before I saw those magical words I was lost in grief. However, as soon as my eyes caught sight of PEE PEE I laughed out loud. Thank god for the children. And, just as I laughed out loud a fireman standing behind me put his hand on my back and whispered, "I know, isn't that great?"

I looked over to my husband as he stood there holding Lily. She was still chucking and I mean chucking roses into the already over-flowing-with-roses reflecting pool. A boy behind me was laughing at Lily. I was glad that her childish antics perhaps brought a moment of levity to a child who perhaps lost his father, grandfather or other very important family member.

I know Peter would have thoroughly appreciated PEE PEE and chucking roses. After all, he was the father of a 2 year old. Not to sound too Hallmarkish or predictable, I think he had a good laugh too.

The Best Way To Memorialize 9/11 Is To Vote

Our personal hero Peter

Hello dear readers. I know this is the FUNNY MOM blog and I'm supposed to write funny posts but I'm having trouble doing this today. I'm having trouble because tomorrow (or today depending on when you're reading this) is 9/11 and it's the anniversary of my brother-in-law's death. Peter was a firefighter who died while helping others at the WTC.

I don't want to give you too many details because I don't want to depress you any more than you already are today but suffice it to say, our family's story is like so many others. At the time, Peter and my sister had a 2 year old and she was 6 months pregnant with their son. Peter was only 30. His sister Nancy and I were my sister's birth partners. It was so tragic. I'm sorry if I'm not presenting this in an eloquent manner but I'm feeling terribly sad and melancholy and words are beginning to escape me. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was and continues to be for my sister and her children. They're still suffering from their loss and the manner in which their father was ripped out of their lives.

5 years later there's still no memorial, it's become overly politicized and the bickering 9/11 families are not helping either. To add insult to injury, THE PATH TO 9/11 was on TV tonight basically lying about the events that led to that day and the Clinton administration. They called it a docu-drama. Why do you need to dramatize something when we know the facts and the people who were involved are still alive?! (Not the people who were killed obviously.) It's so freakin' depressing.

However, I've come up with a great way to truly memorialize our relatives and fellow human beings who died that day. VOTE THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION AND ALL THEIR COUNTERPARTS OUT OF OFFICE IN NOVEMBER! Send a message to these people. I know it's not the presidential election but it will be soon (but not soon enough) and remember that the best way to memorialize 9/11 is to get rid of the corporate loving, war mongering, money hungry, soul sucking oil vampires that presently reside in Washington.

Anyway, getting back to why I'm writing this in the first place....

I remember you Peter. I'm so proud of you, I love you.

Good Friends, Bad Kids Part IV

Dear friends it is I, Sherry Davey, your fellow mommy and favorite comedian blogger. A few weeks ago I wrote about a good friend of mine and her naughty son Ethan. Well, not only is Ethan not getting any better but he started school this week and had serious, I mean seriously hilarious, problems adjusting.

My friend called me and was quite hysterical while explaining that Ethan's Pre-K teacher is "obviously under qualified" when it comes to gifted children because she misinterpreted his outbursts as temper tantrums rather than just "uninhibited emoting". I know, it's rich isn't it?!

Let me just refresh your memory and give you some more details about my friend and her awful son. She never let him go to nursery school because it was "beneath his abilities" and "obviously boring him that's why he acted out so much Sherry!" It couldn't have been that he's a rotten little shit who's never been taught any limits nor socialization skills, could it?!

He spent his first two days of school crying and ultimately whacked (smacked not killed) his teacher. He was given a stern warning, made to sit in the naughty chair and wasn't allowed to pick the activity of his choice during free time....someone alert the media! Well, my friend was appalled by his punishment. And she's even more annoyed by my reaction to the story. I told her it's the naughty chair not Abu Grabe for goodness sake. She wasn't embarrassed by his behavior it was the lack of choice during free time that set her over the edge. Choice?! It was Play Doh or coloring! It wasn't like he was denied his rights or something....please, there were no electrodes involved.

I'm so glad he's not in Lily's school. Any way, I can't wait to hear what's next in the Educating Ethan saga. I'll keep you posted.

Back To School....For The First Time (Update)

Yesterday was Lily's first, official day of 'Big Girl' school. She started Pre-K at our local elementary. I have to tell you, we have the most amazing schools in New York City.....they scale the highs and lows. While the local middle school was voted one of the most dangerous schools in New York City, Lily's class consists of only 13 students but has 2 teachers and 2 aides! Her school also boasts a spice garden! When you're in it it's so quiet and peaceful you can almost hear the shots coming from the middle school.

While 2 of her classmates spent the entire half-day session crying for their mothers, Lily blithely said, "I'll see you later mommy," when I dropped her off. She also gave me the backwards, half-hearted wave too - the one where you look like you're visually blowing somebody off rather than actually waving. I was so proud. That really expensive year and a half of nursery school is really paying off....she's ready for Pre-K...rather, I'm ready for her to be ready.

Today, was her second day. It's always bedlam at her school in the morning. The amount of crying, lost kids wondering the hallways was staggering. I love when the security guards tried to help, they pull out a huge list of all the students and their assigned classes and ask, "What's your last name?" The sobbing kid replies, "I don't know." Great.

The supply list for pre-K reads like a serial killer's: paper towels; wet wipes; one gallon zip lock bags; hefty bags; and one disposable camera. The classroom does look like a crime scene by the time school is over anyway....and it's hurricane season as well. It looks like Lily's classroom was hit by hurricane pre-kay-trina.....I wonder if FEMA will ignore the students cries for help. Will they ignore their handwritten signs pleading for assistance? What am I talking about?! They can't even write yet! Oh well, maybe they'll work on that tomorrow.

Labor Day Weekend Is Under The Weather This Year

I cannot believe how bloody awful our weather has been lately. It has been raining in the NY tri-state area since last Sunday...it's Saturday people. This weather is reminding me why my family emigrated here in the first place. Really. When people in England ask did you have a good summer you answer: Yes, it was wonderful, we had a lovely picnic that day.

We were supposed to go to the beach this year for Labor Day Weekend with the family. Well, the rains of Hurricane Ernesto officially washed those plans away. PS - I really don't understand why the federal government was so slow to send aid to the areas hit by Hurricane Katrina after all, both Florida and Louisiana have oil. Actually, I do understand why....and that's another blog entirely.

Anyway, we're leaving late for Montauk this year. We're going tonight for just one day. Sucks. There's an indoor pool nearby so the kids can at least get one last swim in before school starts. It's bloody cold here too...it's only 65 degrees today. My mother, Jane Hussein, actually said today, "This whole global warming thing just kicked in suddenly last year." I was like, "No way, the scientists have been talking about it for years, that's why they call it global warming, it's warming, not global boiling."

Anyway, I hope you have a great Labor Day weekend this year. Enjoy it mum, 'cause even though it's raining... school starts next week!! Yeah! There is a god....and she is merciful.

MAMAS NIGHT OUT Fundraiser Sunday, 11/19/06, Patchogue Theatre For The Performing Arts, Long Island, NY

"We have all sorts of fundraising walks in New York. We have the Aids Walk, The Breast Cancer Walk and now we have a new one...the Herpes Walk. I don't think this one is going to engender much sympathy. First of all, people don't die from Herpes and when you get a disease people don't usually ask these questions: Don't you wash?...and...Who told you to kiss it?!"
--Sherry Davey, onstage at the Comic Strip, April 2006

"I understand Bush is gonna try a new tactic with fund raising in an effort to comply with the law. You know how we have all these events for charity - walk for this or run for that, etc. Well, they're planning on holding a 10 K run, but for campaign funds. Already a lot of the biggest contributors want to know if their butlers can run for them."
--Sherry Davey - it's a new one, haven't tried it yet.

It is I, Sherry Davey, your personal comedian, fellow mummy and member of the comedy troop MAMAS NIGHT OUT. (Please check out our website www.mamasnightout.com) MAMAS NIGHT OUT consists of three professional comedian mommies: Karen Morgan; Nancy Witter; and myself. Not only is our show hilarious, it really is, (check out the clip on the video clips page) but we raise a lot of money for charity. I'm not merely tooting our own horn, 50% of our shows are fundraisers.

Now for months we've been trying to attach ourselves to a cause that we can all get behind. We used to think that cause was Ovarian Cancer - it's not as sexy as breast cancer and is kind of the ignored cancer when it comes to women. I say breast cancer is sexy not as a joke I'm being quite serious. I think whenever you have the word breast on anything even when it's followed by the word cancer people's ears prick up. And when I say prick you know what I mean.

Anyway, we approached the national office of Gilda's Club but that red door was slammed in our face! That's right, the official, high muckety-mucks of Gilda's Club ignored our letters and emails telling them we'd like to raise money for them at our shows and that they wouldn't even have to do anything. That's right, they apparently don't need money for nothing....sorry my bitterness is showing.

Our Manager, Tommy Bonanno, (not from THAT family I assure you) approached Marine Corp Moms and they shot back an email of acceptance! Finally, a charitable organization that wants charity! So, if you live in the New York Metro area (Suffolk County, Long Island in fact), please save the date - Sunday, November 19th. We're having an afternoon show that will raise money for ALL the troops...not just Marines.

The show will raise money to send much needed care packages to our soldiers overseas. Whether or not you support the war, you can always support the troops (pacifists are welcome). Even if you can't make the show you can purchase a ticket and it will be donated to a military mom who wants to see the show. Every little bit helps believe me.

To purchase tickets please call 631-207-1313 or go to their website: www.patchoguetheater.com

Signs II....UPDATE!

WOW!! I can't believe all the feedback on my last blog about SIGNS! No, not the M. Night Shyama-lama-ding dong (whatever his name is, he's so talented) movie, I'm talking about behaviors exhibited in childhood that allegedly predict who children will grow up to be. More importantly, our reaction as parents to these supposed, alleged signs. Did I state that ‘alleged’ part enough?! I wrote the blog just to see what my readers would think, one could say I was testing the waters. It appears those waters are very deep and quite murky.

I drew upon a recent experience a friend of mine had. She found her 11-year-old son prancing around in her clothes. P.S. - I am not using the word 'prancing' glibly, it was the way she reenacted his 'catwalk' in front of her full-length mirror. He was most definitely prancing. However, I did not take his 'experimentation' as a sign of anything. Puh-lease, I have not removed all the toy elephants from our house for fear Lily will grow up to be a Republican.....maybe she'll join the circus....hopefully, she'll just be a veterinarian.

Since I wrote my first blog on the topic, I've had lunch with my friend and I have quite a revelation to reveal to you! Apparently, she gently approached her son about his whole 'Rocky Horror Picture Show' experience (it wasn't even midnight when she caught him 'prancing'!) and he replied simply....and here's the rub my people...."Why not? Dad does it." No wonder why her clothes wear out so soon!

It turns out, her son's sign was really his father's. You're going to love this one too. Her husband's name is Victor....or is it Victoria?

For those of you who took the time to post your comments I thank you….all eleven of you. I really do appreciate it. 11 comments? I can’t believe 11 people read my blog!!