I’m Officially A Soccer Mom

That’s right, you heard it, Sherry Davey comedian extraordinaire is officially a soccer mom. Imagine me freezing on the sidelines while shouting words of encouragement. I’m just like all the rest of you except for the sequins and flowing georgette blouses….and you thought there was a drag queen on the pitch! Lily’s games are on Saturday mornings, I usually have to race to the airport afterwards to catch a flight to god knows where so I’m all dolled up for the 3-4 year olds.

Lily’s co-ed team is encouragingly named the Yankees. In fact, all the youth leagues around here are named after major league teams. The Yankees played against the Red Sox last Saturday in Brooklyn…I love telling real sports fans that. They just look at me quizzically like I’ve become one of those crazy bag ladies on the streets of New York.

Actually, we couldn’t tell one team apart from the other last week. Because all the players are so young they just follow the ball wherever it goes in whichever net it goes as well. I call it seagull soccer because they just flock to the ball. Oh whatever, they’re having fun and they’re learning to socialize. I can see the truly competitive natures of some of the parents in the stands though. They remind me of my overzealous, Hungarian refugee father who used to scream out to me at track meets, “Win or I kill your sister!”

The worst part about my dad screaming at us (the entire team!) was that he was always the only Hungarian around and with that vampire-sounding accent there was no mistaking whose father it was. I remember at one of my most important track meets ever the man with the starter pistol was new and no one had warned him about my dad. Dad screamed out the usual, “Don’t be like the rest of the lazy Americans run god damn it!”….and this man just looked at us and said, “Who invited Dracula?”

I know, you’re thinking what is an English woman doing in track and field?! English people aren’t exactly known for their athletic prowess. I mean darts is considered a sport in England….because one can play while still holding a beer in the other hand. However, this English woman is only half English my other half is Hungarian which makes me the perfect American. Lily’s soccer team coach is named Ira, the assistant coach’s name is Boris (from Kazakhstan) and the team’s mother’s name is Lakeesha….only in New York.

PS – To my dad who is celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the Hungarian Revolution this week, congratulations dad you made it…you’re an American. We love you. And remember the motto we saw above the Hungarian Consulate the other day, HUNGARY – OUR REVOLUTION WAS NOT A MOVIE.

The Little Mermaid Is A Little Slut Part II

Okay, so I headlined the Saratoga Comedy Club this past weekend 10/20 & 10/21. I left on Friday afternoon for the shows so my mum came over to watch Lily. I think mum is truly losing it. We had just had the longest conversation on the phone earlier in the week about all the lame, useless Disney heroines and which video does she bring with her?....Bambi. Bloody Bambi! Another exercise in misogyny people: Bambi's mother is shot in the first half of the film; prompting Bambi's absentee father to finally make an appearance; Bambi's girlfriend is the blondest looking deer I've even seen by the way; and P.S. Bambi hangs around with a rabbit with an extreme foot fetish. Sick, just sick.

I think Reservoir Dogs is more family friendly than Disney at this point. I'll take PBS Kids over Disney any day.

See you soon. I give up.

Sherry Davey Running in Saratoga Springs 10/20 & 10/21

Just in case you find yourself in Saratoga Springs, New York this weekend, 10/20 & 10/21, please come to the Saratoga Comedy Club for some great shows. I'm headlining there, here's their website for tickets and show times: http://www.reelmeals.biz/cabaret/ ; 518-583-8883.

Hope to see you there!

The Little Mermaid Is A Little Slut

All along Manhattan’s West Side Highway last night, I was sexually harassed by the billboards promoting the latest release of Disney’s diva of the deep’s double D’s…excuse me… DVD. Yes that’s right folks; back again are the syrupy, sentimental songs and the curvaceous cartoons. Why does every Disney heroine have to be stacked?! Talk about pressure on women and young girls, it’s hard to live up to real women nonetheless fictional characters.

Do you remember Disney’s POCAHONTAS? Despite the many historical inaccuracies in the film, the legend is that she was very attractive but there’s nothing in the history books about her being a size zero with large breasts, a tiny waste and a great booty. But that’s the image we all saw there on the screen. What made me even sicker about it that year was my little 5-year-old niece going around with a stuffed bra and long wig as the young Powhatan for Halloween! When I asked Anna what Pocahontas was famous for she replied, “Modeling.”

Think of all the lame, co-dependent, large breasted and suffering from learned-helplessness female characters that Disney has immortalized in film: Cinderella (just get a job and get out bitch!); Snow White (who keeps house for little, retarded men – Lifetime should have made her story); and who could forget that other male sexual, fantasy icon – Jessica from ROGER RABBIT. Heck, I swear even THE LION KING’S Nala had big tits!

We had a play date with Lily’s new friend from school yesterday. When I came back from the bathroom, much to my dismay THE LITTLE MERMAID was on the TV and Lily was entranced. I politely asked Kayla’s mom to turn off the indoctrination and put Maisy back on. At least Maisy is more accurately proportioned – she’s a little girl mouse so she has no boobs and her tail isn’t exceedingly long nor phallic. I tried not to judge them for possessing a copy of this rubbish but I think she judged me more, she gave me that awww-they’re-just-jealous look. PS – It’s a play date not a play your DVD’s date.

And how does Ariel with those huge breasts keep that strapless bikini up anyway?! I've been a legal 38-B for years and even my little bee-stings can't prevent a strapless bikini from falling. I was humiliated twice this past summer at the local public pool when I emerged from the kiddie pool topless. That's when I invested in a tankini.

And how come there's no male character from Disney with a huge bulge by now?! Aren't they interested in the female audience's dollar? Hey Disney, women are consumers too....so give us a little something something.

Anyway, I thought this Ariel character had faded into the a-nnals (emphasis on anal) of film history by now. Unfortunately, she’s back to tempt our husbands while they stand at the cash register of your local drug store fishing for change their eyes catch a glimpse of this fish and they’re hooked. Now I can officially say Eckerd, Rite Aid and Wal-Mart are peddling porn.

PS - Let me know your favorite hapless, female Disney character!! I really want to know. Write back please.

Momzillas

I stopped by our local market today to do some food shopping and my usual Sunday reverie was broken by a momzilla and her little todzilla. The toddler was having a complete meltdown over crackers, Cheese Nips to be precise, because he was very obviously over tired. I think his mum was too because someone offered to help her with the little scamp and she absolutely lost it in frozen foods. Maybe someone should have helped her into the ice cream freezer so she could cool off.

I've had those days where you're so exhausted that you just lose your mind over the slightest thing and your coping skills are basically nonexistent. My new Italian boyfriend, Lunesta, is really helping me these days. I just adore him.

Lily is not a great sleeper now and she's 3 but when she was an infant she was even worse. Ferber failed us, the "family bed" thing didn't work, giving her endless back rubs that usually began at
2:00am left us exhausted and feeling like failures. Now she at least sleeps till 5:00 every morning. But when she comes in our bed all perky at that insanely early hour my reaction is still, "5 o'clock?! Where you going...fishing? Get back in that bed!"

Take The Drugs

I was chatting yesterday with my fellow comedian friend who is expecting the birth of her first child in two weeks. She's the one I mentioned in my last blog - whose baby shower I attended last week. She does not want any drugs during the birthing process and she's dead set against an epidural. I was like are you kidding?! That's why they call it modern medicine! The epidural is your friend.

She was like, "I want to be awake and present for the birth, I don't want to miss a thing." What?! You've got the rest of your life to not miss a thing. Take these last few moments you'll ever have to yourself again, take the drugs and let go of the pain. No one cares that you labored for 36 hours and distended your rectum in the process! They don't give out medals for this stuff.....they won't even put it on your tombstone.

In fact, later when you recount the stories to your friends they'll be like were you living in a third world country at the time? Aren't you from New Jersey? Whenever I hear women recounting their childbirth horror stories I'm not impressed. Now I'm NOT talking about the unfortunates who missed that precious 'window' due to circumstances out of their control. I'm talking about the 'martyr mothers' - those crazy wenches who fly themselves headlong into birthing walls of anguish with reckless abandon. You're not getting 72 virgins for this! I'm not judging them, rather it's always the other way around. Whenever they hear of my not abstaining from modern medicine they act like I'm some selfish, immature cow. I'm not, I just don't hate myself. Women make the best misogynists.

I personally don't even understand why we have to be awake for the birthing process. My mother-in-law loves to tell us (every year on Christmas Eve and at barbecues) how she went into the hospital on a Monday evening, went to sleep and woke up the next morning to see her little bundle of joy sleeping soundly (his belly full of formula) next to her. (They also kept her in the hospital for 5 days to recover...yes those were different times my friends.) Yes, his head was a perfect square shape from the forceps and his cheeks were bruised from them as well...but they're babies, they heal so quickly!! We adults don't! (laugh people) I'm still traumatized. Who was the fool who one day said, I want to be awake for this?!....It must have been a man's decision.

Let me add....her boobs were all taped up too 'cause her milk was leaking (that's the part she really likes to talk about especially in front of mixed company, I think she's secretly kinky). Heaven forbid a natural substance like breast milk should ever have touched a baby's lips back then. God knows mass produced chemical formulas are much healthier...wink wink.

There's got to be middle ground ladies...and that middle ground is being awake but anesthetized. Everything is so extreme these days - it seems that extreme childbirth is the latest sporting craze. Save yourself some agony, take the drugs already. I celebrated Lily's birth the same way I got pregnant....under the influence....of a very different kind of 'cocktail'.

The Ultimate Baby Shower Gift

I waited until I was 35 to have Lily so my guest list for my 'surprise' baby shower was a justifiable 82! I say justifiable because by that point in my life, I'd already given most of these women gifts for their showers (both male and female children), christenings, the kid(s) first birthday, fifth, Bar Mitzvahs, you name it! My attitude was like, "These bitches owe me!"

I didn't care if these women only brought a pacifier to the festivities, I just wanted to see their faces and get the word out that pay back time was commencing. [Now to all my new neo-con readers yes, I said bitch (and I said it again).]

Well, I went to my friend and fellow comedian's baby shower over the weekend. The mom-to-be is a forty-something woman who is carrying well (incredibly well), has few if any health problems, feels great and looks absolutely beautiful. (Not be crass, but by this age her guest list should have been in the 3-digit range...you go girl.)

The girls whom did not have children brought her sweet little Lord Faunt-le-freek outfits and lots of other little, useless cutesy crap. I made sure I brought her something practical: a 228-count box of diapers....I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.

I also brought her a very personal gift, something truly for the mother-to-be. Something I wish someone had the sense to give me before I gave birth.....Colace stool softener. That's right, it's a bit gross and somewhat tasteless (the notion of giving it as a gift not the actual taste) but very, very useful. I took care of the baby's end and hers. She appeared a bit perturbed by my choice of gift. The childless women took it as further evidence that motherhood has truly made me lose my mind (they're probably right).

If someone had only had the sense, dare I say humanity, to let me in on the little secret that one's first bowl movement after childbirth is almost as painful as giving birth, it would have saved me a lot of pain and embarrassment. So I've done it dear reader, I've let the proverbial cat out of the bag! Take it from me sweetie, keep Colace on hand before giving birth, speak to your doctor about it beforehand of course (believe it or not I'm not a qualified medical practitioner....I basically use comedy to cure), and try to start with it two days before giving birth. Next time, if I ever go down that road again, I will start with the Colace day one!

Here's some more sound medical advice....alcohol is a great fertility drug. Worked for me. First try!

Chuck E. Cheese Is A Rat

Several weeks ago we went to a birthday party in the burbs and since then Lily can't stop talking about Chuck E. Cheese. Between the broken down rides, the screaming kids and the overpriced, oversalted pizza, I was ready put a big wedge of cheese in the trap for Chuck E.

The life size, robotic mannequins of Chuck E. and his rodent friends gave me the creeps but Lily loved them. I thought the life size rat was put there to protest low wages or something but apparently it's part of the fun. I don't get it, she's afraid of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny but she loves a giant rat. I'm worried about her taste in men already!

It's not NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND it's NO CHILD'S BEHIND LEFT!

Okay I have had it with the Republicans and their back peddling on the Foley scandal. It took Dennis Hastert almost a week to just apologize for the whole sordid mess. This was after he spent an entire week pointing the finger at the Republicans, the quote on quote "Gays" (homophobia is just plain boring already), Al Qaeda, anyone but himself and his fellow beloved Republicans. PS – Those boys were 16 not 22 (you know who I’m talking about, let’s not give her any more free press – especially on my blog).

Now, after my blog earlier this week where I made an abortion reference, I fully expect more neo-cons, crazies, the I-can't-think-for-myself's and the I-have-no-sense-of humor's to post messages on this blog too. Well, here's another for ya': I think the reason why Republicans are right-to-life is because they want the kids to grow up so they can date them! There ya go! Fire away with your silly message missives!

Now believe me, I don't think the Democrats are any more moral than the Republicans. Heaven forbid! I'm a liberal but I'm no fool. I think all these politicians are morally bankrupt people. However, at least the Democrats don't go about legislating morality. They're not quite so hypocritical. And what the f**k is it with Republicans and Florida already?!

As a mother and a human being, this was one of the most disturbing news weeks I've experienced in a while: between, but not limited to, the shooting of the Amish girls; the 10 year old abducted on Long Island (but safely returned thank goodness); the guy who killed his four kids in Kentucky; and all the deaths in Iraq - both US soldiers and Iraqis. It makes me want to just pull the covers over my head and never wake up again. Fortunately, I have the opposite.....Lily won't let me pull the covers over my head and sleep at all.

Luckily, and I mean luckily, I'm a mother. I have a reason to get up every day and no matter what tragedy or calamity happens outside the confines of our little home, my little reason greets me every morning with a smile. I'm very lucky and I know it. I love you Lily. I pray every day for your safety and the safety of all the children on earth....and for god's sake stay away from Florida and politicians! We are never going to Disneyworld!

Pregnancy Was Not Fun For Me....BEWARE Lots of Whining

Of course I'm very happy being a mum, I love my girl. I feel blessed and very lucky to have my Lily. I truly feel like it's a gift to be someone's mother and that it's the only thing really worthwhile that I've ever done with my life.....but the pregnancy part...honestly....sucked for me.

To this day, just the thought of being pregnant again makes me want to have an abortion. I'm not kidding, I never felt so sick in all my life and for such a long time! Actually, to tell you the truth, my husband and I haven't had sex in so long 'cause we're always so damn tired that if I was pregnant I would want to have the baby Jesus.

It started the morning after conception. I felt like I had the flu...hence my doctor visit...followed by the traditional peeing in the cup and voila....baby. I literally threw my guts up every morning and felt weak and headachy till about mid day...every day. Every morning for almost 8 months, it felt like I'd pulled an all nighter of drinking and partying...minus the fun of drinking and partying. Honestly, I hadn't thrown up that much since college.

To this day, I'm jealous of the women who are like, "I felt terrific being pregnant, I never had so much energy and everyone said I never looked more beautiful." They make me want to throw up....goodness let's not start that again.

I think I'm one of the few women who can honestly say that the best part of pregnancy for me was the weight loss. Yes, I threw up so much that I had to be put on a special regimen of shakes and protein crap (that tasted like throw up) just to stop from passing out. And the funny part was....I wasn't eating anything, was only drinking fluids but was still constipated! What did I do in a former life to deserve this?

Mind you I saw every doctor in creation for my condition. And let me tell you they all pretty much came to the same conclusion....that I was having a girl therefore it was the increase of female hormones in my system making me so ill (in laymen's terms, I'm simplifying their results). That was it, after all those years of medical school and all those hours waiting to be seen that's all they could come up with. One really crabby, misogynist doctor spitefully quipped, "Women, they start causing trouble even before they get here." I replied, "I don't know what your issue is but perhaps you should prescribe yourself some Viagra." He didn't laugh.

Finally, during the last two weeks of my pregnancy, when I was confined to bed rest....because she dropped all of a sudden, was pressing on the femoral nerve in my right leg causing numbness and extreme pain....the nausea finally ceased! (We'd tried bed rest earlier, believe me with that kind of nausea I couldn't do anything but rest.) It was like that moment in ROSEMARY'S BABY where Rosemary threatens to get rid of the baby due to the constant pain and all of a sudden the pain goes away. I was like, "Yea! Lucipher is taking mercy on me."

Therefore, the last two weeks of my pregnancy were joyous. I watched videos, caught up on reading, sleeping, and finally could eat again. I ate so much that I started gaining weight like crazy. My husband bought me a maternity thong to celebrate my finally feeling better (so I could make him feel better, wink, wink...selfish bastard). I tried it on. I looked like a kangaroo in a slingshot.

Despite all the agony, the very limited ecstasy and all the throwing up, I'm very happy to report that Lily weighed in at nine and a half pounds at birth....I've got the scars to prove it....and not on my belly.

So if you're reading this because you're expecting...Congratulations. I hope I made you laugh....and don't worry...once they get here all that nausea disappears...because you're so tired you don't even have time to notice.