Bead-A-Licious

We celebrated my niece's birthday with a party for her and eleven other seven year olds at the Garden Of Beadin' over the weekend. I was soooo not looking forward to this group activity but after about 20 minutes in the store I was handling those beads like a nun doing her rosary....I too had dipped into the ceremonial wine before the event.

The proprietor of the store is a former elementary art teacher and divorcee. One could tell that she definitely had an art background because her pieces were singularly spectacular and her suggestions were just sublime. However, one could also definitely tell (only 5 minutes after arriving) that she and her assistant (and all the other female patrons) are not having sex. Their endless conversations about making pink, sparkly cat collars for Christmas was my first clue. In addition, the obsession with bead placement perfection was my second confirmation. I haven't been told off that much since my last parent-teacher conference.

"I'm making a red and green collar for my cat Noel. Can you believe it's Christmas and my cat's named Noel?!" Said a very sad thirty-something woman in the back of the store. I was like, "You should sell some really big beads, the really big ones they call Ben Wa balls." The owner, like Lily's Pre-K teacher, was not amused.

But really, this beading phenomenon is to the northeast what scrapbooking is to the rest of the country....a sex replacement. When the word scrapbook became a verb that's when I knew that women all over the country were in deep trouble.

Any way, my niece and all her little friends were just the bomb to hang out with. I joined them in a rousing chorus of, "Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, girls go to college to get more knowledge." I had the greatest time beading and ragging on boys with my posse. I couldn't believe that at seven these girls already had a handle on men. It was inspiring. I adored the constant 'whatevers' and the 'I totally love horses' comments that were flying around the room.

There was one unfortunate event that transpired though. No, it did not involve the loss of a birthday present or one of the countless Bratz dolls that accompanied us to the store either. It was when the owner asked the little girl sitting next to me if she was my child - because she had red hair like mine. The girl, I think she's called Ashley (I always hated that name) looked at me then back at the art teacher and replied snottily, "Ummmm NO!" The art teacher was like, "That wasn't very nice." I was like, "Bitch, I thought we had a connection, remember Jupiter and stupider." She then retracted her snottiness and said innocently, "I guess you could be my mother....you look old enough to be my mother."

That's when I lost consciousness because I have no recollection of what transpired afterwards. Apparently, the EMS workers were able to revive me in the ambulance and the oxygen mask they put on me had the most beautiful beadwork on the straps!!

Pasta Necklaces Are Back Baby!

Lily made her first pasta necklace for me as a Thanksgiving present last Wednesday. I have to tell you I was thrilled to receive it. It was (and still is) the most beautiful hand-made necklace I've ever seen. It blows all those crafty, deco page things you see at those artsy, overpriced flea markets away and it makes the Home Shopping Network seem completely passé.

First of all, the strand is a delightful, deep purple - her favorite color and fast becoming mine. She used two different types of pasta: penne (I could almost smell the vodka sauce); and some other pasta that looks like a wheel. The penne she painted turquoise and the wheels she painted purple. She coordinated the colors of the pasta with the yarn!!! Baby Prada! It's very elegant.

I proudly wore it out to dinner the other night and some woman who was admiring it (from 5 feet away) thought it unusual enough to come over and talk to me about it. When she got close enough, she realized it was a homemade pasta necklace (obviously made by a very skilled 3 year old). She started laughing and then proceeded to take out a pasta key fob that her grandson had made her for her first Mercedes. The pasta had been painted black to match the pearl gray of the interior. How special!

I didn't know that pasta necklaces were still in vogue as craft projects in school. I'm so impressed with the updating of them as well. I'm proud to say my mum still has the pasta necklace I made for her in kindergarten along with my sister's handprint Christmas ornament from 1977. However, the pasta necklace I made looks like something a witch doctor might have worn - it was made with like a heavy twine, and has all sorts of strange amulets in between the pasta. I don't know what kind of spell I was trying to cast on her maybe it was the don't-make-me-eat-broccoli-again incantation.

Macy*s Is Full Of Hot Air

Next to getting off work early and eating tons of delectable bird, the annual Macy*s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a real holiday staple for our family. Before Lily was born, my husband and I made it part of our annual holiday ritual. Suffering countless hours with icy relatives made a few short hours in the freezing cold seem like a vacation anyway.

Today, I took Lily, our niece and mum into Manhattan to see the annual 'blowing up' of the giant balloons for the parade. It was the first time for all of them. It was a real thrill for mum and I and I think the kids enjoyed it too. Despite the traffic, the rain and the swarms of people, it was a delightful day. And thanks to iVillage, I had a press pass so we were all able to get up close and personal with the giant balloons especially SpongeBob....I love having occasion to use this phrase....'and let me tell you it was enormous'.

A tradition since 1927, the giant character balloons are slowly blown up and brought to life in the streets around the American Museum of Natural History. The enormous balloons take up two full city blocks. Nets and sandbags are used to keep the balloons from escaping during the night.

There is something magical about being in the presence of gigantic childhood cartoon icons that makes one feel like a kid again. Those balloons made me feel like I was floating on air. The Scooby Doo balloon held particular significance for me as my dad wouldn't allow us to watch the show when we were growing up as he felt all the characters were drug using hippies and that Daphne and Fred were having premarital sex. I'm not kidding! He actually said that which only made us want to watch it more. He was convinced it would have a bad effect on us. He may have been right because when I started smoking pot, and doing cocaine (only to lose weight of course) and having premarital sex I liked watching Scooby Doo. In fact, seeing the balloon today made me horny and I was jonesing for a joint. (Central Park was just across the street.)

SpongeBob, Super Grover and the giant snowman were particular hits today with all the kids....not just ours. They looked at Snoopy and Garfield with particular disdain like, "Who the f*ck is that?!" That's when you feel old, when your music and your childhood heroes gross out your kids.

You should have seen the look of sheer joy on all the kids' faces as the 'Helium Engineers' (everyone's got to feel important these days) breathed life into the gi-normous SpongeBob. I couldn't help but hum the intro theme music to the show as he was inflated and before you know it all the kids around me were singing as well. I led an impromptu chorus of, "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea....blah, blah." It was great!!! And with my accent I was really able to pull it off....and it went on for like 20 minutes. The two New York City policeman in front of the barricade kept motioning to each other that I was drunk....perhaps I was officer...drunk with excitement, intoxicated by all the youthful promise surrounding me.

For that solitary moment I forgot all about the war in Iraq, the OJ book, George Bush and his henchmen, and all the impending holiday shopping. I was thoroughly caught up in the moment, swept up in the swirling winds that were so powerful they could have lifted me up as well. If only some of those good looking Helium Engineers could have stuck a hose in me (Oh Dear!) and attached some of those ropes to my limbs, I could have floated above Columbus Avenue as well!

Celebrate Christmas Out Of Doors

That’s right! You heard me. Break out the picnic table and fire up the barbie because the official, holiday family get together switch is in the ‘on’ position. If you really want to do something different this year for the winter holidays try celebrating them outside. There’s nothing worse then being stuck indoors with a bunch of people you literally spend 364 days a year avoiding. I think one of the many reasons why I adore the 4th Of July so much is because it’s in the summer. So, when my mother-in-law makes one of her usual creepy comments about Jesus I do my best to deflect and say something like, “Oh did you see that bird? I think it was the bird of paradise and it was flying away. Shocker.” Anything to change to the topic.

And don’t tell your guests that you’ll be celebrating outside….let that be part of the surprise. I guarantee they won’t be in such a rush to return next year and at the very least they'll be sure to leave before sundown this year. If you really want to have some fun simply seat all the people you despise the most outside at their own table. Just tell them to call you on your cell when they need you to defrost the gravy. I can just see my sister's mother-in-law waving to me from the courtyard.

Try separating the difficult people. Set up tables in the bedrooms, bathroom, playroom and if you live in the city utilize your hallway space. Break out your seating chart from your wedding and apply the same logic, the chatty Kathys of the world would have no problem chatting with the neighbors down the hall. Why subject only yourself to the annual, ritual of Christmas torture…excuse me…dinner.

If you really want to spice things up a bit tell your guests that you’ve got hidden cameras all over the house because you’re making an educational documentary on dysfunctional families. Tell them, “You don’t have to act just be yourself that’s what the psychiatrists are looking for.”

Here’s another idea….prepare really awful meals. Serve up burned offerings and don’t put out any appetizers, don’t let them fill up on yummy chips and onion dip. Let them be good and hungry when they choke on that dry old piece of roast beef.

For Thanksgiving try disappointing your guests as well. Build up the turkey meal for weeks with emails that contain headers like, “I’ve got a great bird for you” and “I’m making the stuffing from scratch”. Then, when they arrive, simply put out a plate of hamburgers (from the grill outside) and offer a flimsy explanation like, “The turkey….oh, it just didn’t work out.” That kind of disappointment is unforgettable. The family phone lines will be burning up that evening with fiery rhetoric about your selfishly bad meal. Bye bye in-laws and people of no blood relation but who call themselves aunt and hello peace and quiet.

Send me your ideas for the Big Chill.

Inlaws Or Outlaws

Thanksgiving is approaching and so is the tension. My parents can't be trusted to behave themselves and be civil to my sister's boyfriends' family soooooo we're having two separate turkey dinners this year. But I don't mind, more stuffing for me.....pass the turkey please.

He's not even legally part of our family yet and already there are problems. He's what I would call a pre-in-law. Now if you read my blog regularly you already know how I feel about my own in-laws...if I only had 6 months to live I would move in with my mother-in-law because it would be the longest 6 months of my life.

However, I must give credit where credit is due. Tonight was our big Support The Troops fundraiser for MAMAS NIGHT OUT and my mother-in-law not only attended the show she brought her good friend Flo with her as well. I know, I had the same reaction when I first heard her say "My friend Flo." I was like, how old are you and you still can't say period?! But no really, she not only supported the troops she supported me and I really appreciate it.

You know, I joke about my family a great deal because I'm a comedian that's what I do....that was intended for all the overly sensitive, humorless people who continually comment on my posts. However, I do appreciate my family and their support. That's the main thing I'm thankful for this year, despite the good health of all my family members (knock wood), support. It's the one thing that a parent, working or not, really needs...family support.

MAMAS NIGHT OUT.com raised thousands of dollars today to support the troops and by attending my immediate family supported me as well. Even my mum paid me a compliment today! After the show, she told me my performance was brilliant!! And for my mum that was huge. She's not exactly very generous with compliments ....she's like an old bra...comfortable just not very supportive. But that's okay, she's a 'do-er'. If you need her she's always there...just don't ask her to let you cry on her shoulder...that's when she'll give you the old English pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps lecture. She can make Patsy Stone look warm and fuzzy.

Even my pre-brother-in-law showed his support tonight, he brought his parents along as well. That was very nice of him. Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all. My sister always says, "If he wasn't such a nice guy he wouldn't be doing 500 hours of community service." Just kidding.

Anyway, supportive or not, I have the perfect solution to all this holiday madness.....apple martinis...they can also be considered a serving of fruit so they’re necessary in preventing cancer and heart disease. Now that's the way to get through the holidays....plastered. If I combine it with enough turkey I'll just pass out for six months and wake up just in time for Easter.

Whining & Dining

"Sit down.....I said SIT DOWN Tyler....sit down young man and eat your food or else....Steven can you help me please?!....Eat your dinner Tyler or else no TV tonight....I've had it SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW....I have 2 words for you young man be-have!"
-- The loud pleas of a desperate woman trying to eat out with her 4 year old son at a restaurant in NYC last night.

I can't remember the last time my husband and I had a meal out together without somebody else's parent losing it. Most of us are parents so we've all been there. We've all experienced the humiliation of: the diving-under-the-table child; the child who keeps deliberately dropping utensils and food on the floor; and the kid who says things like, "We never eat vegetables at home so why should we eat them here!"

We get it. They're children. They have no patience and occasionally they're naughty.....especially when your judgmental, childless family is visiting....and particularly in public. So take a deep breath mama and try to enjoy that meal that for once you didn't have to prepare because I'm a mama too and it's my night out as well. So please, sit down and be quiet.

Don't Play With My Play Date!

Okay! It's time. I've had the two girls, ages two and four, from across the street over for at least eight play dates. It's now time for Lily to go over to their house.

"But they love coming to visit you." Their mother always exclaims. "They love how you interact with them."

"Of course they do, it's called parenting," I reply.

Whenever she comes to retrieve her girls they cry out, "When is Lily coming over to our house to play?"

"Oh anytime," she casually replies. Here's the problem: she's never home! I think her casual ANYTIME is just as sincere as: 'the check's in the mail; 'I'm a little bit pregnant,'; and 'don't worry it's just a rash.' I tried to call in the favor earlier this month and she told me it wasn't a good TIME as her grandmother had just died. I replied, "Didn't she die last month?"

So, is it TIME yet?! Because if I see your kids one more TIME it will be TIME for my 19th nervous breakdown.

Stop Texting Me!

Okay, now that I’m having trouble responding to my emails (because my mother board needs replacing….see other blog), people are starting to text message me. What crimes against humanity did I commit in another life to deserve this shit?! Whenever anyone texts me I simply reply with two letters: f u. Call me for Christ’s sake! It’s a phone not a typewriter.

You know I just don’t get the whole text message thing. Maybe it’s because I’m a busy working mother but I just don’t have the time to type on my phone all day. We had a great thing going with the phone. It used to be so simple: you call me; I call you; easy. Now it seems like people with a lot of time to waste are trying to make this process more complicated. Why not even make communication more difficult? Why not just send smoke signals?!

And here’s the other thing that really kills me….I have TMobile so automatically I miss half my calls but for some reason text messages seem to always make it through. I hate TMobile, all the cell phone companies suck but TMobile really takes the cake. 1000 free minutes of calls a month my eye…you know why they’re free? ‘cause they don’t even work! I just want to slap that Katherine Zeta-Jones.

I think I need a drink.

The Mother Of All Motherboards

Uuuuggghhhh! I am having the worst couple of weeks ever technology wise. After weeks of going back and forth to the Mac Support Store in Manhattan, I finally got the bad news yesterday. My MAC needs a new motherboard. The good news is it’s covered by the warranty the bad news is it’s going to take a minimum of 1-3 weeks! Apparently there is a back up of calls for new motherboards for EMACs…hence the delay. Obviously, Apple is selling a defective product.

And of course it’s the motherboard that’s breaking down. It couldn’t be the fatherboard. No! The thing that’s in charge is always a female….and does she get the credit?! Nooooooo.

I’m sure you probably have your own technology horror story as well but when you’re in it you feel like the only one on earth dumb enough to have invested in a 2004 EMAC. And dealing with these computer geeks is truly like revenge of the nerds. I tell you ladies, we all should have blown these guys when we had the chance because now they’re wreaking their revenge on us at $250 an hour.

After dealing with my technology meltdown, I can honestly say that I still do not approve of the Unibomber and his despicable deeds…but now I understand.

What kills me is the Apple TV commercial campaign. It depicts the human embodiment of a Mac as a cool, young, hip, good lucking guy meanwhile they portray the PC as a nerdy, bespectacled, pudgy, boring businessman. As if we can trust a slacker to get any job done! Now whenever I imagine the people behind Macintosh I see a bunch of t-shirt wearing tokers who refer to everybody as dude. Dude where’s my car?! Dude beam me up to my mutha-freakin-board.

It seems an Apple a day doesn’t keep the doctor away in fact; I’ve now got my local psychiatrist on speed dial. By the time this is all over, they’re going to have to reinstall MY software! Lunesta take me away.

MAMAS NIGHT OUT Coming To New England

Here comes a shameless plug.....

Just in case you do find a moment for yourself and you want a great show for you, your girlfriends or even if you choose to bring your man, MAMAS NIGHT OUT is the perfect time-out for all mothers.

I belong to the comedy troop MAMAS NIGHT OUT along with Karen Morgan and Nancy Witter - two extremely funny ladies. MAMAS NIGHT OUT is a stand up comedy experience that involves audience participation. It's comedy by mothers for everyone. You would not believe how many people, even women, come up to me and say, "It's a comedy show starring women?..Is it funny?" You would not believe how sexist women can be! What did Kalr Marx say? The oppressed become the oppressors. (I welcome all you neo-cons to challenge me on that point!)

Karen, Nancy and I met while taping seasons one and two of Nick At Nite's FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA. Since then, we've all become really good friends too...it helps when you have to travel and share rooms with people!

We have two big shows coming up in Maine & Vermont. Friday, 11/10, we're going to be at the Camden Opera House in Maine and Saturday, 11/11, we're going to be at the Opera House in Rutland, Vermont. We only perform in theatres so you don't have to be worried about being surrounded by a bunch of drunken college students - unless you like that sort of thing.

For tickets to the show 11/10 in Camden, Maine go to: http://www.camdenoperahouse.com/
For tickets to the show 11/11 in Rutland, Vermont go to: http://www.paramountvt.org/?page_id=5

If you come to the show please stay and chat with me afterwards. I always love to meet my readers.

Mommy Has No Time For A Social Life

Now some of you are thinking that Sherry Davey the comedian should not be complaining that she has no social life because she is constantly in comedy clubs and bars. That Sherry Davey is me by the way....don't mean to freak you out with the 3rd person routine...I'm not Garth Brooks. Nevertheless, it's true. Despite hanging around in bars and working nightclubs all over the country, since becoming a mum I don't have much of a social life anymore. It's gotten to the point where my back goes out more than I do!

Seriously, I love being a mum. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's the only thing truly worthwhile I've ever done with my life and the love we share is beyond all imagining....not to get all Hallmarkish on you. Please let those words sink in before posting comments like, "I never had a family so you're lucky." Waa Waa. We've had an awful lot of whiners here lately. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it already.

Seriously, I can't remember the last time my husband and I even went to a movie! Wait a minute! I stand corrected, in July we went to see the THE DAVINCI CODE. What a waste of time....one dubious work of fiction questioning another dubious work of fiction.

Any rate, I've now developed a social life around my daughter and our new neighborhood....parent-hood. I volunteer in her school two mornings a week, chat with the other parents at soccer practice, share coffee with our beloved Crossing Guard - Effie, etc..... But some of my favorite old friends, the single, high-maintenance ones, the girlfriends who call you in the middle of the night because their cat ate a flower or threw up a bloody hairball, sadly I've had to say goodbye to them. There's just no time for them or anything for that matter anymore.

I'm sure this is the common lament of all parents. Maybe that's why my mother spent so much time drinking when we were growing up. Please, in September I tried to take a time management course and realized I didn't have the time for it.

So I must say, that work has become my release. I now look forward to working more than ever. I am more focused and more driven than ever because the little time I have left for my career is truly the only time I have left for myself. So I do my best to spend it wisely.

It's Not Christmas Till Somebody Cries

We all know around this house that it's not officially Christmas till somebody cries.....and it's usually not the children. The holidays are just loaded with drama for my family and it's not me causing it, I promise you. Anyone who knows me knows that I run from drama however, for the rest of my family it's a way of life. It's gotten to the point where every time I hear my mother or my sister speak, the song "Hey Lady!" by the Beastie Boys starts to play in my mind like background music.

Thanksgiving is already getting off to a great start and it's only November 2nd. My parents do not like my sister's new beau so in light of this upcoming tension, my sister has already announced her rigid plans for turkey day as she is the regular host of this uncomfortable, annual feast. Cocktails at 3 - which means I will be plastered by 3:06. Dinner at 4, 4:15 silent treatment, 4:30 awkward conversations beginning with, "Oh, I thought you liked cooking," followed by, "No, it's just forced upon me every year." Birthday cake for our niece at 5:00 - poor kid, it's bad enough having your birthday always fall on a holiday weekend, why couldn't it be Easter or 4th of July - when it's warm enough that you could go outside to escape the family. Gift-giving from 5:15-5:30, 5:45 prompt departure.

My in-laws get an invite for dinner or dessert every year to this family fracas which just makes it all worth it. It's going to be bad enough trying not to get my legs blown off in the emotional mindfield that encompasses the 'new boyfriend' (and I'm no Princess Diana - I don't look good in protective headgear), now I'm going to have to make polite conversation again with a woman who loves discussing a man she's never met.....Jesus. I swear, my mother-in-law's crush on Jesus is tantamount to the whole Heathcliff-Catherine thing....it's the worst case of unrequited love and it's really co-dependent. She puts a lot of demands on this guy: ''take care of me'; 'watch over me'; 'help me pay the rent'. Christ if my woman made demands on me like that I'd never show up either.

Anyway, happy pre-holidays. At this point, I'd rather celebrate Election Day.

Halloween 2006

Halloween was fabulous this year....as always....the weather was mild and the candy plentiful. We didn't have any costume issues as Lily's costume was a simple ladybug: just wings; antennae; and a black bodysuit and tights.

However, our homophobic neighbor Jerry had to be taken down a peg. His two sons were dressed as a construction worker and a cowboy. He kept saying. "Nothing feminine for my boys, no fairies here." I replied, "I beg to differ, a construction worker and a cowboy - they're the Village People."

I'm A Witch....Good & Bad

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays!! ‘Cause it’s all about the food and the fun…..NO GIFT BUYING! The only shopping involved is for costume supplies and treats for the kids. I say costume supplies because Lily’s costumes have been very simple only requiring the purchase of make-up. For her first Halloween she was the traditional pumpkin. For Halloween II she was a mime. She was supposed to be her namesake, a lily, (my mum spent hours making her a costume) but when she saw Larry and I dressed as mimes well it was all over. Suddenly, she was a mime and a bad mime at that….she spoke.

This year, for her 3rd Halloween, Lily wants to be a ghost. I love the fact that my child chooses such simple costumes. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to be a ghost, “You sure you don’t want to be Hillary?” I have a Hillary Clinton wig and with Lily’s blue eyes and the right, little power suit she could be….the next president of the United States…at least for Halloween. Unfortunately, like most of the country, Lily said no to Hillary. I was really disappointed. I have some campaign literature from Hillary as well. Lily could have gone door-to-door saying trick or treat and vote for me. It would have been great. My husband and I already decided that we were both going to wear black and put phone cords in our ear to dress up as her secret service detail.

I think dressing up as a famous female politician is a much better costume for a little girl than the usual princess or even worse…..witch. Don’t worry, Lily does not respond in fear when she sees a witch. I’ve informed her on the truth about that whole conspiracy. I asked her again, just as a test, what is a witch and she replied dutifully, “Witches are oppressed women.” There is a god….and she is merciful.

There are several theories about the socio-economic origins of the persecution of witches and those affiliated with them. One of those theories is that many women of property (hundreds of years ago) were widows. So if a woman was a landowner and she didn’t want to sell her land to say another person [a man] she was often accused of being a witch. She went to jail, often without trial and often was hanged or fell victim to some awful fate. So when I see a little girl dressed as a witch I tell them, “You go girl, beware of your neighbor he wants your land! The male medical establishment wants to get into the midwife business beware!” That makes them run away in terror.

Lily’s aunt, my sister, is a widow….and a young widow at that. I wonder if she were in the same position hundreds of years ago would she also be accused of witchery. You see, our little girls need to know the truth about witches and embrace them. Lily doesn’t need to be afraid of her aunt because she’s not a witch….except for certain days during the month.

And as far as the princess thing goes….don’t make me throw up! Being a princess is not all it’s cracked up to be. You know what it gets you?: a ride in a speeding, drunkenly-chauffeured Mercedes through a tunnel in Paris. I actually remember when women wanted to dress like Diana and not just on Halloween. But that’s what happens, you finally find the right haircut and then you die.

I’m not doing any special Halloween shows this year….never again. Last year I did a special Halloween Costume ball fundraiser. There was only one guy in the audience with no costume and he was a heckler with a capital H. He wouldn’t shut up either. I was forced to go into the crowd and deal with him…..during the show. I said in my most snarky tone, “No costume, who are you supposed to be?” He replied, “I’m an audience member who are you supposed to be?” New York audiences are harsh.

Happy Halloween.