Gifts I Would Never Re-Gift

Now that I bashed some of the truly useless gifts my (now four-years-old!) daughter received this year I shall proceed with the ones that she is enjoying and will change her life:

Child Size Accordion
This was from my Hungarian father who not only appreciates my daughter's love of music but who never really left the old country. One does not see many children or adults for that matter in Brooklyn playing the accordion.... unless accompanied by a monkey while busking in Prospect Park. Oh shit, maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. No really, she loves her little accordion and in less than four days of practice is already able to press the keys while pulling air in and out. She's been singing along with it too to the tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. It doesn't sound like Rudolf but she's enjoying herself nonetheless. Rudolf, Adolf those are definitely names I associate with the accordion. I jokingly told my dad that her playing the accordion reminded me of the gypsy children we used to see in Budapest and he nearly fell off his chair. "Gypsies!! No granddaughter of mine will ever be a gypsy! I hate those people!!!" Eastern European racism rears its ugly little head even on Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus!;

Bongos
These were a gift from my mum for our budding, little percussionist. Lily already has a full drum kit that I purchased for her this summer but the bongos can travel. She has been playing them in the car on small and long trips already. Now, Lily can join the African Drum Circle this summer in Prospect Park. I'm really excited for her. Last summer, some of the gentlemen were kind enough to let her bang on their drums with them but now she'll have her own;

$$Money for Lily's 529 College Account
Lily's paternal grandparents gave us their annual Christmas contribution to Lily's college account. This will definitely change her life and in a much more positive way than Malibu Barbie ever will. If you're unfamiliar or undecided about the benefits of a 529 account here's a link -
http://www.savingforcollege.com/intro_to_529s/.
I truly recommend looking into this for your child. I'm no financial expert but I have to tell you that Lily's 529 account is doing better interest wise than any of our 401k's or other stupid stock investments and there are significant tax benefits;

Ice Skates & Skating Lessons
More gifts from the combined grandparents, ice skates and skating lessons will provide Lily much joy and just plain fun. Even if global warming prevents us from ever seeing winter again, there will always be indoor ice rinks full of kids and their parents saying, "Remember when?" And the air conditioning units used to cool the air in the ice rink will emit more fumes causing more global warming which will hasten our deaths. Maybe we can all die together as we skate to the 'disco on ice' free skate hour! It will truly be a disco inferno.

As you can see Lily is blessed and fortunate to have such loving, supportive and encouraging grand parents. Music is something that Lily is really good at and loves. Their musical and life enriching gifts are far more important than they could ever imagine and we're truly grateful for them.

Let me know some of the great gifts you're kids received this holiday season.

Too Many Useless Gifts Again This Year

This is how you can tell my family is a fortunate one – we’re actually complaining that the kids received too many Christmas presents this year again. When friends and relatives asked me in November what to get our four-year-old Lily I replied simply in email form (so it was in print people!) - gift cards for children’s clothing stores. Because presently, we possess more winter outfits than a Moscow runway model….unless they had access to size five spring and summer clothes.

They all thought this was a smashing idea as all our children don’t need any more useless, unimaginative toys like Barbie, anything with a Disney Princess theme or more winter clothing as global warming is taking care of that for us in the northeast anyway.

We all had a great laugh about the awful toys our children have received in the past. Like for Lily’s third birthday a friend, whom I considered to be a feminist, gave her the Easy Bake Oven. What a horrible toy for a little girl. You’re only three years old and suddenly you’re under pressure to bake a cake for 30 people with a freakin’ light bulb!

I also remember my other girlfriend, who is a former District Attorney in Manhattan, gave Lily last year a play iron and a play ironing board. The indoctrination begins early in our culture doesn’t it?! I was like why don’t you give her a play briefcase and a play vibrator…this way she can practice making her own money and taking care of herself! If you want to play the sex roles game why don’t we just give little boys toy ear muffs so they can practice not listening.

The people with children even went so far as to say, “Let’s all just exchange gift cards.” Easy enough. Well, that’s not what happened people. While I fulfilled my half of the Christmas bargain, friends and family purchased all sorts of revolting gifts again this year. Now you can read this and think what a spoiled brat Sherry is to complain when people opened their hearts and their wallets for her child. No. These are not the kind of gifts that come from the heart…more like someplace else:

Fashion Barbie. This was actually given by a friend, I’ll call her only by her first name, Dr. Kate, who made a joke years ago that with those kind of unrealistic measurements Barbie was probably bulimic. Needless to say, I agreed with her then as I still do now. She also said she couldn’t figure out how Barbie got those little fingers down her throat. Dr. Kate must have received a head injury lately or something to make her go out and purchase this bloody gift for Lily;

Disney Princess Coloring Book and Art Set. Now this monstrosity only comes with four crayons people: purple; pink; white; and something they call dreamscape – a sickening mix of pink, purple and sparkles. Well, it’s a freakin’ nightmare. Apparently, little girls should only be using the colors that represent the bruises they will be receiving from their future husbands;

Sleeping Beauty Nightgown and Slippers. Okay, now this one is one of the worst presents in the world you can give a little girl. The theme of Sleeping Beauty is that some lame ass woman suffers from panic attack induced narcolepsy and that only a handsome prince can wake her from it with his kiss. Talk about co-dependence. Get a job bitch! Stop waiting around for some man to wake you into reality. I tossed that one right in the rubbish. I definitely didn’t put that one out for our local church collection because it’s bad enough being poor not to mention poor and misguided. (I gave a gift card instead.)

This list goes on my readers but I fear this is turning into another too long blog. So, I will continue the theme of “Most Useless Christmas Gifts Ever” in future blogs this week.

I’m done with Christmas and Hanukkah. Next year I’m pushing for Kwanzaa.

Please write in what useless gifts you and your kids received this year (or in past ones) as I’m dying to know and I need to laugh at somebody else’s misery.

Head Lice!!!!...Update

First of all, thank you to all my readers for posting your comments on my post, dated Dec. 14, entitled simply HEAD LICE!!!!! I can tell by the tone of many of the comments that this is obviously an itchy issue for many parents. A quick recap: the post was about how one of Lily's playmates and someone I baby-sit for (for free might I add) was sent to our house by her mother, knowing full well she was released early from school with a raging case of head lice, who did not feel the need to share that information with me! The post went in to some detail about how that child, six-year-old Emily, is very neglected by her parents. That was the most disturbing revelation of all to me. I placed a call to CPS shortly after the blog.

Now while I appreciate comments from my readers I also appreciate when people actually take the time to really read my blogs not just skim over them and post asinine comments. I fully discussed that the 'pattern of neglect' I saw in Emily did not just stem from head lice for gods sake. And I don't give a shit how many of you say that lice prefer clean hair! Don't kid yourself. If any child came to your house with lice you'd be a fool not to send them home immediately. Just the thought of them makes me itch. They're bloody gross for cryin' out loud! Don't try to justify them to me. Is that the new politically correct protocol these days? "Lice, only the clean kids get them." Get real. Hop aboard the clue train people 'cause it's leaving with out you. (Can you tell I'm annoyed?)

Yes, they do attach themselves to clean hair but Emily's hair is not clean quite the opposite. If people actually read my blog this phrase wouldn't have escaped their notice: "Emily is so neglected that her hair is matted and she has a nasty case of cradle cap…on top of the lice. She’s also very skinny and very pale. Her clothes are often filthy and she looks like she dresses herself, as her choice of attire is often not suited to our cold climate. She also possesses that unmistakable odor of not being bathed."

There is a truly frightening virus that exists in American culture today it's called Lack-Of-Common-Sensicus....and it seems to be afflicting thousands of parents. Thank goodness I don't suffer from this. As it turns out, my instincts were right on the money. One of the reasons Emily is very skinny and pale is because her parents are neglecting to feed her dinner. The child goes to bed hungry. Emily's caseworker from CPS informed me of this sad fact. Emily did not tell us herself because she was told, I'm sure threatened, by her parents not to. Obviously, lice isn't their only dirty little secret.

And as far as the lice were concerned.....her filthy, unkempt house was teeming with them. The child was not allowed back to school for more than a week, for fear of an outbreak , that's how badly she was plagued with them. (And please spare me the comments that 'oh you can't get rid of them in less than a week'. Listen lice.com, keeping a child out of school for more than a week is a serious matter.) Thank goodness our school officials in NYC don't suffer from Lack-Of-Common-Sensicus.

Another fact, the state of Emily's hygiene (including the head lice), her poor nutrition, her filthy home, her unkempt appearance were all judged to be such a detriment to her that CPS ordered her parents into Parenting Classes for a minimum of six months and they will be visiting Emily's home every day for one month, and then three times a week for six months.

So all you lice lovers out there strike away! One reader actually posted this ridiculous remark, "The author misses an opportunity here to be kind and instead pulls away one of the only avenues that [the] child has for more socially acceptable behavior." Not only does that remark make no sense to me but if it means what I think it does that reader is stating it's my job to parent someone else's child? (I wish there was a vaccine for Lack-Of-Common-Sensicus.....we would obviously need to inject this person in their ass because that's where their head is.) A reminder, Emily is only six. Now let me get this straight, a six year old is supposed to learn lessons about socially acceptable behavior regarding her head lice from her neighbor?

Believe it or not, Emily has two sets of very wealthy grandparents who live only three miles away from her. If I did not tell off her mother for out right lying to me about her child's head lice (she told me Emily was being released early from school due to a stomach virus) and allowed the child back in to my home without a doctor's note saying it was 'all clear' then I would be enabling this woman to not do her job as a parent...and her extended family as well. Years ago very accommodating people were called saints now they're just enablers....food for thought right?! Puts the biblical saints in a whole new light doesn't it?!

My initial gross out from the head lice was tempered by the obviously sad state of neglect that Emily was in. Did I not make that clear enough? On a more positive note, I'm very satisfied with the response from CPS and our public school. It seems that NYC is trying to polish its tarnished image when it comes to dangerously neglected children falling between the cracks of the system. I'm quite hopeful that little Emily won't be one of those children.

I've been thinking about Emily all day as it's Christmas. Our little pampered munchkin spent the day opening myriads of presents from her loving, extended family and having a joyous time playing with her cousins. I only hope Emily was showered with affection and care today by her parents and grandparents. My instincts tell me this is probably not the case....as unfortunately they were not wrong before. My call to CPS was my way of performing a Mitzvah - a good deed - this holiday season for Emily. I'm beginning to think it was the best gift I could give her. While my family and I have pulled back from this child in order for her parents to fully actualize in their role as parents perhaps in some way I'm giving her a new family....her own. God, I pray I'm right.

Lily Turns 4 Today!!!

(Lily and I in front of that bloody tree at Rockefeller Center.)

The Christmas Spectacular At Radio City Music Hall

Hello! It’s Friday, December 22, and in addition to being three days till Christmas it’s also Lily’s fourth birthday!!! Yes, my little baby is four today! I think the severe cramps I’m experiencing this morning are my body’s way of remembering the day. It was only four years ago when I pushed that 9 and a half-pound bundle of joy out. I gave birth to a toddler for crying out loud! I’ll never forget as my tiny, little, Philippino Ob-Gyn pulled her out she stumbled from the weight of my Gerber girl. She exclaimed, “She’s a very large, pink girl my friend!” The thought of it makes me verklempt.

Mum bought us tickets to the Christmas Pageant at Radio City Music Hall for her birthday. I wasn’t sure what to expect, as Lily has never been in a theatre that large before and generally cannot pay attention to anything for more than an hour. However, to my surprise she was enrapt. Her eyes never left the stage. She sang along to the songs, clapped when the Rockets did their famous toy soldier routine and cheered when they did the Raggedy Ann number. It definitely was The Christmas Spectacular…some of the numbers were a bit fruity. There were two very fabulous men behind us and they were almost as excited about the show as Lily.

Everyday since, we’ve been recounting the show and discussing her favorite numbers. She’s now suddenly graduated to recounting events as well! It used to be that even five minutes after something she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) recount events but in the past month that has suddenly changed. It’s fun too! However, she seems to think that everyone has the same memories. She asked our mailman what was his favorite number from the show on Monday. As it so happens, he’s familiar with the show and replied, “I like it when the Rockettes kick, I like legs kid.” Now Lily keeps telling us how our mailman likes legs. At times it’s disturbing.

The only time she lost interest in the show was during the final, overly dramatic, nativity scene. (That’s when the fabulous gentlemen behind us started drinking from their flask of faith.) Well,, it is a Christmas Pageant so it was expected. That’s when the place was lit up almost like midday from all the cell phone, camera flashes. Suddenly, the place was alive and people were all weepy. (I was weepy when I saw the price of the tickets! - $350 for three!).

If only people could weep that much at images of Darfur not some kid who lived 2000 years (if he really did). Too bad they don’t remember the lessons of that baby. I wonder if he were born today would he be put in a foster home because his mother is an unwed teen. Would she go to vocational school and put him in a city run day care facility where he would be predated upon by older children and smothered with stuffed toys or something?! And whose tragic death would be over shadowed by shots of Brittany Spears' cooch. Our world is a mess people.

Anyway, Happy Birthday my darling. I love you so much. I can’t imagine what life would be like with out you. Not to sound like a creepy Republican but we’re blessed to have you in our lives my lovely Lily.

Head Lice!!!!!!!!!

Head lice. This is something I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with until Lily was at least participating in summer camp or something where she ‘slept away’, little did I know.

One of Lily’s playmates, six-year-old Emily, brought head lice into our home. Her mother was aware of the head lice but just neglected (sadly neglect is the operative word here) to tell us. She said that Emily had missed school lately because she had a stomach virus a ’24 hour bug’ as she put it. Turns out, bugs were exactly the problem.

I found this out from our school’s Parent Coordinator. If she hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have known till it was too late. Luckily, none of us (I’m knocking wood as I write this) has them. But guess what?! My couch does! And so do my carpets. But even though I don’t have them the psychological itch is there.

Now, I have to have my house ‘bombed’ and we’re not talking Al Quaeda here! This one is not for Allah. Apparently, these little critters are impossible to get rid of, even a scud missile won’t do it. I just want to say to Bush: for once don’t aim those things at Baghdad send them to Brooklyn please.

Upon finding out the information from a school official, I immediately called Emily’s mother Melanie. I informed how I had caught her in a lie. And you know how she responded? With another lie!!! That’s right, she said, “It’s not lice it’s psoriasis.” I said, “Oh really? They don’t send you home for dry skin if they did half of England wouldn’t have finished school.”

She proceeded to try and lie more but I called her a few choice names and told her that neither she nor her child is permitted in my house ever again and that I don’t want Emily near Lily anymore. She actually went so far as to blame the lice on the child. She claims Emily won’t allow her to wash her hair. I said simply, “You’re the mother, you make the rules, she’s your responsibility.”

I’m so hurt that after all the favors I’ve done for this woman that relate to caring for her child (as if she were my own) for nothing are met with this slap in the face…excuse me head! Then it really hit me. Here I am all offended and morally outraged….but what about Emily? She’s the one who is truly suffering in this case.

Emily is so neglected that her hair is matted and she has a nasty case of cradle cap…on top of the lice. She’s also very skinny and very pale. Her clothes are often filthy and she looks like she dresses herself as her choice of attire is often not suited to our cold climate. She also possesses that unmistakable odor of not being bathed. It’s been going on for months now as well, this isn’t an isolated incident. It’s a true pattern of neglect. I’ve spoken to several other neighbors since lice-gate and they all said they also noticed Emily’s neglected appearance and they already knew about the lice from as far back as the summer! So why hasn’t anybody said anything?! This poor child.

You know, we have a saying in here in nervous New York it goes like this, if you see something say something. It’s intended for terrorism. I think it should pertain to everything, especially children. For god’s sake, if you see a kid with what looks to you like a pattern of neglect f*cking say something to somebody. Try talking to the parents, go the school, call CPS, call somebody….but do something.

That’s what I’ve decided to do. Today, before the exterminators get here, I’m calling to report this child’s condition. I’ve spoken to her mother, Melanie, on three different occasions about her child’s hygiene and every time she makes excuses. Now it’s time for me to stop making them as well.

The Whole ‘Not Eating’ Thing Revisited

This is just to follow up on the blog I wrote last week about our three year old, Lily, not being such a great eater anymore. First of all, thank you to those who wrote in their comments about similar experiences with their own kids. It’s always a comfort to know you’re not alone.

In the past week, Lily has actually resumed eating dinner with us! Mind you she’s not stuffing her sweet little face like she used to. She’s still picking at her food but she’s pulling a lot less of her drama queen nonsense at the table: “I can’t eat my green beans because a monster made them.” She’s a smart little manipulator isn’t she?! I’m quite impressed with her scheming abilities, she's definitely got my mother-in-law in her.

I didn’t like broccoli when I was her age but I never thought to equate them with monsters, she’s a genius. I merely stuffed them in my mouth, pretended to sneeze, spit them into a napkin while wiping my nose and then asked to go to the bathroom where I emptied the napkin into the toilet and flushed them away. My parents only became the wiser when the toilet clogged and the plumber said that someone’s bowels weren’t processing their greens at all! He told my parents that one house he went to had what appeared to be unprocessed pork chops in their plumbing! Seems I wasn’t the only kid with that idea.

I also remember when it was in vogue in the 70’s to say things to your kids like, “You don’t know how lucky you are, in Africa the children are starving.” (Tragically, they still are.) My parents tried that one on me as well. By now, I’m sure you know what my reply was. “So send them my dinner.” They hated me.

Now that I’m faced with the ‘picky eater’ phase I seem to remember my sister going through the same thing. In fact, my mother was trying to give me advice on this very topic just last Thursday. She said, “Remember what we did for your sister?” “Remember??” I replied. “How could I forget?!”

When my sister was about seven my dad used to playfully refer to her as ‘garbage belly’ because she ate everything in front of her and in vast quantities. My parents used to be giddy with glee (she was always the favorite) when she gorged on salad and the remainder of my broccoli – not from the toilet of course. Then suddenly (thank god) in the second grade she became baby bulimic. She would pick at her food and whine that she wasn’t hungry. My Hungarian dad pretty much forced her to eat with threats of beatings and he would lay massive guilt trips on her about the ‘way you used to be’….he was like a cross between Dracula and Barbra Streisand with that accent of his.

So she would eat a few mouthfuls and then go into the bathroom and force herself to throw up. She would then do a lot of fake crying afterwards and my parents would wind up screaming at each other things like: “It’s all your fault,”; and “Leave her alone you f*cking Nazi!”. It was a scene man but just another day in dysfunction junction.

Needless to say, I don’t want any of that in my house. I’m making a concerted effort to just let Lily be. I’ll continue to put dinner in front of her at the table. I’ll continue to encourage her to eat and give her healthy choices when it comes to eating. But I don’t want any throwing up or drama when it comes to food. No Nazis in this house please. We won’t be dining with Mel Gibson.

Thanksgiving Eve Balloon Blow Up Photos

(Lily, my niece and I in front of Scooby Doo.)

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(Lily, my niece and I dwarfed by the Macy*s star. Please click on to see the photo, sorry but I'm having trouble uploading more than one image at a time.)

Here are some photos from the THANKSGIVING EVE BALLOON BLOW UP for the annual MACY*S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE that I covered for iVillage. Sorry for the tardiness of these photos but I've had no computer for 6 weeks!

A tradition since 1927, the giant character balloons are slowly blown up and brought to life in the streets around the American Museum of Natural History in New York. The enormous balloons take up two full city blocks. Nets and sandbags are used to keep the balloons from escaping during the night.

Just a reminder....the significance of the Scooby Doo balloon.....my dad wouldn't allow us to watch the show when we were growing up as he felt all the characters were drug using hippies and that Daphne and Fred were definitely having premarital sex. I'm not kidding! He actually said that which only made us want to watch it more. He was convinced it would have a bad effect on us. He may have been right because when I started smoking pot, and doing cocaine (only to lose weight of course) and having premarital sex I liked watching Scooby Doo. In fact, seeing the balloon made me horny and I was jonesing for a joint. (Central Park was just across the street.)

We had so much fun watching the balloons being inflated that we all decided afterward that this will be our new annual, holiday tradition. The actual parade itself is too much of a mob scene for little children to enjoy but the balloons being inflated was just right for this little family. Thanks iVillage.

Halloween 2006 Photos (as promised)

Lily was a ladybug this year for Halloween.

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This little girl is only 20 months old and she was the perfect size to be Elmo. When I saw her walking around I thought wow, that doll is so lifelike! (Please click on the view image thing to see the photo - I can't seem to upload more than one photo at a time.)

I truly apologize for the lateness of these photos. I’ve had serious computer woes lately but today thank god my Mac is back! Can you imagine being without your computer for 6 weeks?! It was a total drag especially as a writer to constantly run to libraries, computer rental spaces - I never hung out with so many 14 year old boys in my life (even when I was 14!), I’m now completely familiar with HALO – and to friends’ houses. That was the only good thing about it, I logged in a lot more ‘friend time’ lately.

Between the war in Iraq and the AIDS epidemic in Africa, I feel guilty complaining about the lack of a computer….it’s the new bourgeois wine being served at holiday tables all over America. However, our lives are ruled by computers now. They’re not just luxuries anymore they’re necessities and being technologically impaired like me doesn’t help. And let me just say that I don’t condone Ted Kazinsky, the Unibomber’s, crimes….but I understand.

The Whole Not-Eating Thing

Lily used to be such a great eater. She ate everything (except vegetables) we put on her plate with gusto and in vast quantities. We never had to convince nor cajole her to eat we just simply put the food in front of her and she was off to the races.

Now, just three weeks shy of her fourth birthday, Lily has suddenly stopped eating like she used to. She now picks at her food with the same disinterest displayed by singles on Match.com. She, like most of the men between the ages of 35-45 on Match, is technically 'over it' when it comes to food. She now claims that all her former favorites are now and I quote, "yucky."

In addition, I can't tell you how much it pains me to not see her eating like used to!! I don't want to make food an issue nor do I want to sound like an Italian grandmother but eat something and make me happy! I promised her and myself years ago that I wouldn't be one of those mothers who beg or threaten their kids to eat....but I now understand those women.

Her pediatrician told me that they eat when they need to. Does that mean she only needs to snack because she's not interested in formal meals lately? Does this also mean that she only needs cookies and hot chocolate now? 'Cause that's all she wants lately. Oh yes, and Doritoes too.

HELP!!!!! Please let me know this is just a short 'picky' phase that she's going though because my friend's daughter's picky phase lasted till she was 17. (That punctuation was way off.) Tell me she's just taking a break from growing and that the growing slash eating will resume soon.