When Your Child Needs Professional Help

I went to my second Parent Teacher Conference for our 4 year old today. Her teachers are wonderfully warm, bright, highly qualified, knowledgeable, kind, helpful, funny, friendly and creative ladies. I can't say enough good things about them. We feel blessed that Lily is fortunate enough to be in their Pre-K Inclusion Class.

The meeting started off on a good note when we were just socially chatting but when the discussion moved to how Lily is actually doing that's when the mood went suddenly very serious. I could almost hear the music and the bass drum, 'dum dum dum.'

That's when, without blinking an eye, her teacher said, "Lily could benefit from Occupational Therapy."

"Occupational Therapy??...What does she have trouble in staff meetings or something? Is she sending inappropriate emails to her co-workers?" I replied.

They both laughed. I did one of my nervous laughs. My stomach went in a knot. Suddenly, I felt like I was the student. Occupational Therapy? She's only 4! Have I fucked this kid up that much already?...was my first thought. Jesus, I didn't need any sort of outside intervention until I was 14 and my parents are waaaaay more screwed up than I am. Was it that second glass of wine I had at my baby shower? My mother told me not to but I had to anyway. Asshole. But I quickly gathered myself and brought the focus back on Lily.

"Tell me why you think she'd benefit from Occupational Therapy?"

"Lily has trouble paying attention, focusing, interacting with others, recalling details, socializing....." The list went on and on but this was the point at which I went numb. We've had talks with her teachers before and they've made me aware of the 'areas' in which Lily needs improvement. Lately, she's made vast improvements in those areas and we were really heartened by them. But obviously, those improvements just aren't enough.

I'm just so glad they didn't give her any of those labels that educational professionals love to toss out like free condoms at a gay bar : ADD; ADHD; ASAP; DUI; FUBAR.

They explained that she could benefit from early intervention in Pre-K because when she's in Kindergarten next year the curriculum is very fast paced and requires skills that she just doesn't possess. Holy shit! What pressure! I had no idea Kindergarten was that demanding! And here I was all worried about what college she's going to get into. So so in Pre-K, below average in Kindergarten, unsatisfactory in elementary, flunking in high school, forget Occupational Therapy more like Occupational Training...it's a very slippery slope people.

Her teacher, bless her heart, said encouragingly, "She just needs a little boost to help her skills. Just think of it like the primer classes they give for the LSATs. It's nothing." LSATs?? Stop teasing me lady! I haven't felt this desperate since I was single and on Weight Watchers.

We can no longer blame her social immaturity and difficulty in the classroom on her age. The professionals in her school have been monitoring her on a daily basis and they believe she requires early intervention. And so be it, she's going to get it. 4 seems an early age for OT but you know what? Extra help is always a good thing.

I don't want to be one of those parents who's always comparing their child to others but I must say I've watched how Lily interacts with other children at play dates and there's definitely something amiss. I've even been embarrassed when we meet friends for lunch and she reacts to the parents like they're complete strangers when she's been having weekly play dates with their kids for almost two years! I find myself comparing her a lot to my niece and nephew who despite losing a father and the psycho-social problems associated with his death, seem to be better socially adjusted and more adept at communicating than Lily.

It's not fair, I need to stop comparing her to others. Technically I know it's not right to do this. So why am I still doing it?? Am I reacting to societal pressures or am I merely projecting my own insecurities onto my child? Help me with this one people. Am I alone in this?

Parents Who Encourage Potty Mouths Update

I ran into Cluelessa today (the mother of Lily's playmate who encourages her child to swear). We were both at Dunkin Donuts waiting on line for that deliciously reasonable coffee. I'm so over Fourbucks...excuse me Starbucks.

Anyway, she told me that her daughter, Kayla, was 'written up' for swearing in class on Friday. SHOCKER!! I laughed out loud, I couldn't help myself. She seemed embarrassed. Apparently, Kayla said the f word in reaction to jamming her thumb on a table. Cluelessa offered the same lame justification that another parent I know said in similar circumstances, "At least she used it in the right context." Great. And I thought the stamping-her-feet habit was a bad one that Lily had picked up from school.

"I refer to people as cocksuckers when I'm pissed off. What does Kayla call them?" I asked her.

She looked confused. "What?"

"Because if she does use the term cocksuckers at least she'll be using it in the right context." She stood there looking befuddled as I walked away.

Sorry people, it was the best I could come up with under the circumstances. After all, I hadn't even had my coffee yet.

Playful Playdates

We've been having some great play dates lately with Lily's classmates. It appears that four year olds will definitely play together if there are more than two present. As a matter of fact, the magic number for these play dates seems to be four. Whenever we have one-on-one play dates with other four year olds they just seem to parallel play or one will whine about how the other is not playing with them yet they never seem to address that other child directly. They keep running in and out of the room claiming: "She won't talk to me, "; or "Tell her I want to play Marching Band", or; with tears in their eyes, "She said ladybugs are stupid." These mano y mano play dates are no fun for anyone.... especially me-o....because four year olds are like Republicans and Democrats....they just refuse to cooperate with each other.

Here are just a sampling of some of the accusations I’ve heard from Lily and her friend Kayla as they ran in and out of my kitchen complaining about each other during their last mano y mano play date:

Kayla, “She said my dolly is ugly.”;

Lily, “She said Dora is not really Spanish.” Followed by, “What’s Spanish?”;

Lily said this one with tears streaming down her face, “She said my frog is dead.” P.S. – We don’t have a frog.;

Kayla, “Lily says only she’s allowed to have a snack not me.”;

Lily, “She said I snore a lot.” P.S. – They’ve never slept in front of each other to my knowledge.

Where's my Lunesta??

Parents Who Encourage Potty Mouths

We had a play date last Thursday that I'm still reeling from. The mother of the little girl we played with, let's call her Cluelessa for now, not only swears in front of her four year old but actively encourages her to do it as well!! Now, you know I'm far from perfect when it comes to motherhood but goodness gracious people! Occasionally, we all forget ourselves and swear in front of our kids but I try to use those moments as lessons by saying, "You see mommy gets mad too and sometimes says bad words." I apologize to Lily (and her father) when I swear in front of her. I always feel guilty after I've done it as well, like I could have handled my frustration better.

However, Lily made a poop at her friend's house. I said, "Great poop Lily." It was massive! The little playmate asked, "What's a poop?" I was confused, I pointed to the evidence. It was at that moment that Cluelessa replied, "You know, when we take a sh*t?!" The little girl laughed and said, "Lily took a sh*t!" Thankfully, Lily looked confused.

I couldn't help myself, I exclaimed, "What?!" Cluelessa wasn't even embarrassed by her potty mouth nor her efforts to give her child one. I said, "Jesus, we live in Brooklyn you know she's going to learn those words soon enough why encourage it?" She just laughed and said, "I'm trying to toughen her up." "Toughen her up? What are you raising a Marine? She's four for god's sake." I said. So we left.

You know, hearing that ugly word come out of that little angelic face was truly a much-needed lesson for me as a parent. Because I have been slipping a lot lately in the swearing department and I can only blame NYC traffic for so much. I really watched my language this weekend in front of Lily and my niece and nephew. I need to thank Cluelessa for that lesson.

You know, my dad was in the military when we were growing up. He was in the US Army. I think swearing is the rule in the armed forces. Please, when you put your life on the line on a daily basis swearing is like nothing....as it should be. My dad, to this day, still swears a great deal and is even creative about it. He puts swears in the middle of words like: fan-f*cking-tastic.

He swore so much in front of us when we were growing up but chastised us for even saying the word breast (he had that whole Catholic denial thing going on). We had to say chicken chest instead. If we said the slightest thing resembling a swear he would say, "Ladies don't f*cking talk like that."

I though F*ck was a brand name he said it so much. I remember going to the deli to pick up some sugar for mum when I was about 12. The counterperson asked, "You want sugar? Which brand?" I replied simply, "The f*cking kind." Somehow, the man knew exactly which one I meant.

Head LiCE!!!....Second Update

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Click on the above picture, I believe it's the moment Lily gave her cousin head lice.

I cannot believe all the comments I've received regarding my first post about our HEAD LICE situation in December. I'm delighted and grateful that my posts are affecting people enough to make them feel the need to publicize their remarks. I love feedback....even the crazy kind. I believe in free speech: everyone's entitled to their opinion...even if they're wrong.

I don't normally devote posts to serious topics because this is a comedy column. I'm the FUNNY MOM for god's sake and most people's comments are so off the mark and completely miss the spirit of the posts that I feel it's pointless to even address them. It would be like trying to hold back the tide or cut carbs out of my diet...it just takes too much energy. But in the case of my head lice post I feel the need to address some of them. Since my first update on HEAD LICE, I am again attempting to address some of the most bewildering and baffling comments. Beware, this is not funny.

My original post was about a neighbor's child who appears to be very neglected: has severe cradle cap; MATTED HAIR!!!; head lice; clothes that are two sizes too small; is filthy; very skinny; does not wear seasonally appropriate clothes - wears summer clothes in winter; and openly discusses not being fed dinner on a regular basis because her mom is too tired. This child is often left alone as well and sadly, she's only six! Her home is also incredibly filthy, her living conditions were positively frightening. All this was mentioned in my first and second posts on this subject.

Not only did I report this child to CPS, I also spoke with her mother (for the third time mind you) about her daughter, Emily's, neglected hygiene. I mentioned in the post that I had spoken to the mother on other occasions about these issues. You see, I was providing free after-school, childcare for Emily for almost a year. The thanks the mother gave me for this service was sending her to my home knowing full well Emily had a raging case of head lice. Her need for free, reliable childcare superceded her need to share that information.

Needless to say, within a few days, Larry, Lily and I all had head lice and it took several weeks to comb them out of our hair and bleach them out of our bedding. It was a lot of bloody work. Just in time for Christmas, we unwittingly gave them to our niece and several of the guests at Lily's birthday party that was held in our home. I don't care what you say about lice and clean hair, making those phone calls to all our guests and family members (14 calls in all) was very embarrassing. And understandably, not everyone was thrilled to get that call...especially on Christmas Eve.

Most importantly and this is what disturbs me most...I don't know how many clues people need before they realize a child is neglected!! I guess that's why so many children are neglected in this world and people do nothing about it. Sadly, I believe most people are blind, in denial, are busy projecting their own bullshit onto others and/or have become absurdly enabling because of political correctness.

The 'commenters' seemed to be most affected by the fact that I "had the nerve to" confront Emily's mother about her daughter's poor hygiene and that I called CPS....something I will never regret doing. In fact, I think I may have played a part in improving Emily's life and may have in some small way even saved it. They seem to think I called CPS just because of the lice...NO, I CALLED CPS BECAUSE I WITNESSED OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME A PATTERN OF NEGLECT. Are people really this clueless? These are just some of the ridiculous remarks these frighteningly passive onlookers to child neglect posted:

A post-system friend...
"A question-if this person is your neighbor....Why not rally & invite her over for a pampering session or take her to a hair dresser? Yeah ok,you take the chance but with some preventable measures you could do it.Obviously you don't live in a neglected area right? I don't know & I am not judging you...This issue just seemed to turn from a unfair case of lice to an attack on this child.Hurting people hurt but more importantly they are often embarassed and alone. Please reconsider and help these people.The last thing this country needs is another child in the system.For what..lice? Unclean? Maybe her mom loves her just as much as you love your daughter but for some reason she is crippled emotionally.She could be doing the best she can.If you are not going to help,& unless there is sign of physical abuse,leave them alone."

CONCERNED PARENT wrote.....
"IF THINGS ARE AS YOU SAY, THEN YOU HAVE SUCESSFULLY ALIENATED THIS PARENT AND HER CHILD MORE. DO HAVE AN INSIGHT TO THESE PEOPLE THAT POST YOU SUPERIOR?...PLEASE REALIZE THAT YOU ARE HURTING THIS CHILD. YOU AS A PARENT AND OBVIOUSLY A FRIEND, SHOULD BE TO HELP WITHOUT ACCUSING. BUT YOU HAVE JUMPED ON THE HURTING WAGON. A PARENT IS NOT BAD BECAUSE THEIR CHILD IS SKINNY OR THEIR CLOTHES DON'T MEET EXPECTATIONS....WHY DON'T YOU DO THE OPPOSITE AND REACH OUT AND HELP. MAYBE SHE COULD USE A FRIEND."

I guess CONCERNED PARENT doesn't think a year of free childcare is of any help or trying to speak with the mother on several occasions was not reaching out enough for this person. Again, are people really this clueless?? Please write a sane reply to this question as I'm losing faith in humanity.

CPS informed me that my constant rescuing of Emily was enabling her parents not to do their job as parents. So, I have pulled back from this child. I no longer baby-sit her after school nor allow her to come over for play dates...as play dates turn into dump-dates when her parents disappear and don't return for hours. I must tell you though...I think about her all the time and am very worried about her. We really miss her.

Her useless, millionaire grandparents called me from their second home in Florida again to ask me what I think is wrong with Emily's mother (obviously, there are still issues in the home). Like I've got a crystal ball on the situation! I said simply, "Put a fucking crowbar in your wallet, buy a plane ticket, come up here and see for yourself what's going on. She's your granddaughter for god's sake don't wait till it's too late." Is anybody listening to me? Can you hear me? Is this thing on?? Please tell me you hear me.

My Husband Puts the F in Fertility

My Husband Puts the F in Fertility

My husband, Larry, and I are trying to have another child. Well at this point, we're just busy having lots of sex. It's amazing to me how this man doesn't have the energy to wash a dish when he comes home from work but he's always 'up' for that....go figure. And we've been married so long that his idea of foreplay is brushing his teeth.

I must admit that I'm getting back into sex after four years of avoiding it and just being too bloody tired for anything now that we're parents. I can't tell you how many times he and I discussed during the day how we were going to get together that night only to be foiled by another emergency linen change due to Lily wetting the bed or by a night of nebulizing....the familiar laments of all parents. I'm not complaining...just stating the facts.

So, in trying to make a new life we've awakened our own sex life. The only problem is that now I have to start showering and shaving again. I sound like a marine right?! Seriously, I've become the queen of not showering these past few years....disgusting but true. I'm so busy working and taking care of everyone else that my own hygiene has become less than perfect...another familiar mommy lament.

My Irish grandmother used to say, "I have a bath once a week whether I need it or not." Believe me she needed it. Now it's all starting to make sense. She had 15 children so bathing was probably the least of her concerns. I used to think she was just another one of my filthy, old, European relatives who had more time for drinking than showering. Now I realize she was just another tired mommy.….and an alcoholic.

My Nephew Will Be The One Who Calls Us From Jail....Episode II

When it comes to my nephew, Connor, it's always something. He puts the capital N in naughty. From telling everyone that his sister is retarded to peeing in empty soda cans....ha ha, the joke was on me...the kid is always up to no good. Today, was no different than any other day....but slightly more shocking.

He came running up to my sister in front of all her neighbors this afternoon and asked, "Mom is it true that little girls can't have babies?" (Oh yeah, he loves an audience too.) P.S. - He's only five.

My sister responded like the true mothering pro that she is as she proclaimed very clearly, "Yes, it's true, little girls can't have babies." As she was just about to ask him why he was asking her this he took off for the neighbors yard again. From fifty feet away she heard him shout out, "It's okay guys, we can go back to playing that game again!"

Holy crap! What is this kid getting up to?

P.S.S. - I must admit, I really enjoy his antics....and enjoy sharing them with others even more. He puts a smile on everyones face.

My Nephew Will Be The One Who Calls Us From Jail

My nephew, Connor, is always up to no good. My Irish grandmother would say, “He’s got a bit of the devil in him.” His latest prank involved one of his best friends.

I was watching him and his two friends when my sister went to have her hair cut. All of a sudden I heard Connor and his friend Liam laughing their asses off outside...forgive the all the posterior references in this blog. I looked out the window and saw his other friend Noah taking a dump in the corner of the yard. Connor and Liam were laughing so hard that the tears were streaming down their faces. It turns out that Connor told Noah we only take dumps in the backyard like dogs in our family. The poor kid believed him and was outside in the cold relieving himself.

He was having some difficulty as well as he was trying to balance himself against the fence while passing a particularly large turd. It was actually quite funny until he screamed out, “Mrs. Davey can you wipe me please?”

So there I was in the freezing cold wiping some kids tush in the backyard. The poor kid was so embarrassed. I told Connor off for making his best friend the true butt of his joke.

Baby Love

My husband and I are now trying to have another baby. Which means simply that we're having lots of sex. I'm pushing for one of those ovulation kits but my husband prefers the let's-do-it-as-much-as-we-can-and-hope-we-get-lucky-method....of course.

When we started trying for our little Lily, we got lucky the first time. That's right, the first time worked like a charm. I'll never forget it. We got good and drunk on a Sunday night and by the next morning I thought I was suffering from a nasty hangover or the flu....wrong on both accounts. My husband was so upset by this. He thought he was going to have at least a few months to work on his 'technique'....thank god we got lucky.

This time we don't seem to be as lucky. We've only been 'trying' for a few weeks (he's actually doing all the trying) so I'm 'trying' not to worry. But, it's been four years since I was last pregnant and 40 is looming large. I have an ob-gyn appointment this month which I'm dreading. I keep imagining her telling me in her Phillipino accent, "Didn't you know? It's all dried up, you can't use it anymore."

I always hear this phrase from people when it comes to pregnancy: don't think about it and it will happen. Funny, it seems most people feel the same about pregnancy as our government does about terrorism. But that doesn't always work. Maybe I need to be more proactive and declare jihad on infertility. That's it, tonight's the night, it's jihad my friend and I don't want to hear anything about any virgins.

You Can't Take The City Out Of The Kid

Every time we take our Brooklyn born child to the burbs she exhibits very urban centric behaviors and says the funniest things. As we were walking through my dad's neighborhood on Long Island looking at Christmas lights a raccoon ran into the street. Lily screamed out, "Look mommy, a wolf!" Well everyone just collapsed into peals of laughter.

It's not like she hasn't been to a zoo before or read a book that has raccoons in it either. (It seems that most children's books feature sweet little raccoon characters wearing bonnets, meeting for tea and shopping...again, city raccoons I guess. Is it a raccoon or Carrie Bradshaw?!) It seems that no matter how much we try to expose this child to the country that she's, dare I say it, EC - Environmentally Challenged. EC is going to edge out OCD and ADD from the psychiatric textbooks before we know it.

We noticed her EC symptoms this past summer when we were on holiday in Maine. We were staying at my friend (and fellow comedian from the comedy troop MAMAS NIGHT OUT see www.mamasnightout.com) Karen Morgan's lake house. The lake was as pristine as glass and one could see straight to the bottom of it at all times. It was almost surreally clean. Being the hardened New Yorker that I am I had to say that the lake was so clean I actually didn't trust it. Anyway, when Lily was first able to see to the bottom of the lake she was horrified. "Look mama, dirt and twigs and leaves. Nature is disgusting!" She screamed. Sadly, it wasn't like our pool at all.

The air was very clean in Maine too. So clean in fact that it hurt Lily to breathe it in. I was afraid that all that fresh air might set off her asthma. I couldn't wait to get home so we could suck on the back of a bus for a week.

When we took her blueberry picking in Maine she was horrified to learn that they actually grow on trees not in Whole Foods. She exclaimed, "But mama, trees are dirty."

I'm not sure what kind of therapy will be recommended for being EC. Perhaps the specialists will recommend looking at pictures of animals in open fields or god forbid...moving to Montana. Maybe there's still hope for my Belt Parkway baby.

Violent Parents In School

I know I'm the FUNNY MOM blogger but I have to relate something to you that I'm having trouble finding the humor in. We had a bit of an 'incident' in Lily's class this week. Lily is in Pre-K. One of the parents, the father of her fellow classmate, dropped off his daughter for school yesterday. Now, first of all, he was 8 minutes late dropping her off. He and his wife are always late when dropping off this child to school. Now, I've only been late a few times and I see how disruptive it can be to the entire class so I can only imagine how displeased the teachers are with these people on a daily basis.

Pre-K classes are only two and a half hours long. Now I don't know about you but I try never to be late in the morning as I need and want my two and a half hours.

Anyway, so the guy is late....again. Then as he's kissing his daughter goodbye one of the teachers, Mrs. I., says (not verbatim, hear say), "Okay dad, she'll see you later dad." With this, Mrs. I. takes the little girls hand and proceeds to shut the door. The dad says, "I'm trying to say good bye to my daughter." Mrs. I. claims she did not hear him. She probably didn't as she's got 10 other 4 year olds who are now saying the pledge of allegiance. She just proceeded to shut the door to begin the school day.

Well, this is when the dad flips out!! He puts his foot in the door to prevent her from shutting it and starts screaming, "Who do you think you are?! I'm trying to say good-bye to my daughter. Screw you lady!!" He forces the door open, which yanks Mrs. I. and his child back (she was holding his little girls hand.)

So, the other teacher and the two aides go into lock down mode immediately. They call the front office for the police and the principal. They huddle the other children in a corner, one of those other children is our precious Lily. This is a New York City public school so we have our own police force - not security - police....because we need them....obviously. Meanwhile, the dad is flipping out in front of the children. So they're witnessing this mans rage, which Lily talked about endlessly yesterday. She was obviously quite disturbed by it as I was. It took three policemen and the principal to calm this man down.

Between all the school shootings and the violence that's erupting in our schools, yesterday really upset me. All it takes is for one asshole to lose it and someone can get hurt....permanently. Ultimately, in our situation no one was hurt (physically) thank god. The cops didn't have to do a 'take down' with the man but Jesus Christ!! What the fuck?! This time we got lucky. I'm sorry, what the fuck is all I can muster at this time.

What is happening in our schools? Are they a mere reflection of the moral (and psychological) breakdown in our society? Don't tell me it was just due to stress that this man lost it because I suffer from stress too but I don't go around yelling at my daughters teachers. Grow the fuck up or get some help. And what a great example he set for his child and the other children in the class...when you don't get your own way curse out the teacher. Fabulous, another Father Of The Year is born.

Great, now when I drop Lily off to school I not only have to worry about whether or not she's paying attention, learning, the other student's behavior now I have to worry about other parents too?! We are becoming Rome my people...and we're falling too.

Good Bye To 2006

I have an idea for next year's ball drop in Times Square (other cities have ball drops too but admittedly NYC gets all the coverage). Now while this is one occasion when it's okay to drop the ball why don't we substitute the things we'd like to drop most instead of just a symbol. Why don't we drop the annoying celebrities of that year?! This way we'd be sure they wouldn't surface the following year. Here's a list of the celebs I'd like to see take the plunge in Times Square:

Paris Hilton - I cannot stand this woman. I haven’t seen an Aryan face this vapid splashed all over the place since the great Nazi propaganda campaign of WWII. Her trademark phrase "That's Hot" leaves me cold. You mean after years of expensive private schools this is the only thing this piece of plastic can come up with? She needs to disappear and quick. Aren't there any serial killers out there who predate upon super rich, boring, untalented hotel heiresses??;

Jessica Simpson - Between her mediocre singing and her dumb blonde persona this is another Texan that I've been trying to tune out. She's also a pitch woman for some acne medication...who cares?! Go away, go far away. This way she could finally be a big smash on Broadway;

Britney Spears - She's newly single and flashing her cooch along with Paris. Twenty years from now her children will google the words Britney, Vagina and 23,000 items will pop up.....nice legacy. I hope she's stacking away money for college and therapy for those boys 'cause they're gonna need it.

Kevin Federline or K-Fed - When I heard Britney and Kevin were breaking up I was shocked. I thought this one would really last (sarcasm). Can you imagine this wannabe rapper loafing around on her couch while trying to come up with words that rhyme with pre-nup. Brittney is getting custody of the kids no word yet on who gets custody of Kevin....thanks David Chumworth (a great comedy writer);

Nicole Richie - She's very, very rich but is still starving to death. Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. Wah, wah. Be quiet and eat something already. Would somebody please tell me what Paris and Nicole actually do for our world. Do they contribute anything to society besides tabloid headlines? You know, just because you're rich that doesn't make you interesting or of any consequence;

Dick Cheney - Yes, I'd like to see the puppet master himself dangling precariously over 45th Street but this would probably be no problem for him as true evil never dies so what's the use. You know, he'd probably just pick himself up and go shoot somebody in the face anyway.

These are just some of the celebrities that I'd like to make disappear. My only wish for the new year (besides the usual weight loss and having another baby) is that we as a people try to bring the focus back to issues and people that really affect our lives and our world. Oh my god, I'm starting to sound like my parents. Can you tell I'm facing 40?? Is this just a natural part of the aging process?...a growing disgust with how 'things are changing'. Let me know. And please let me know the celebrities you'd like to see dropped on Times Square this year.