WHAT TO DO FOR SUMMER CAMP?? Part II, The Update

I had such great feedback from my readers in regards to the WHAT TO DO FOR SUMMER CAMP post last week that I had to give them a special mention in a follow up article. Here was the basic gist of my solution to Summer Camp woes, a solution not the final solution, as I hate that term:

Develop summer school programs where kids attend school their regular hours (or reduced hours) but make it a lite day. Have the summer program be less intensive and more like a review where they're in class for half the day and the other half is spent getting their fat, little asses out of the chairs and made to do some form of p.e. for the rest of the day. This could be a way of tackling obesity in children as well! Kill two little fat birds with the same stone. Have a 'sweatin' it out summer school' program!

Instead of spending thousands on summer camp, put that money back into the school system (minimally, I SAID MINIMALLY PEOPLE, raise our taxes to pay for the teaching staff- so that at least we get a tax credit for it). Wouldn't you rather your child and every child for that matter be given the same opportunity for a meaningful summer? And wouldn't you prefer qualified educational professionals be supervising your children rather than the less-than-experienced-and-don't-bother-me-when-my-boyfriend-is-on-my-cell teenagers hired to work for minimum wage by the over-priced camps??

We could rotate when they get that 2-week vacation break within the 8-10 week program. Parents could decide for themselves when the kids have off so they could plan a family holiday or whatever.

Well, I thought this was a pretty novel idea and so did many of my readers. In fact, Taysmommy suggested and I love this one:

“Perhaps instead of all of it being refresher stuff they could use the time to expand the arts/music programs as well?”

What a great idea Taysmommy! Bravo you culture! Yes, use the summer program for arts and the classics. That would be a break from the usual curriculum.

However, despite all the good advice and general good feeling there was the usual, expected criticism from readers as well. Here are some quotes (yes, she posted more than one comment – the critical ones always do) from Jessica, a self described "college junior”:

“All year long kids look forward to those wonderful 8-10 weeks off. The summer off is needed so that they can re-charge their batteries and be ready to go for their next year of school. Maybe they might forget a few things... but it all comes back within the first few weeks in the fall. I think you should be planning the weekend outings you want to take with your children this summer instead of trying to ship them off to more school.”

Spoken like a true non-parent….and that’s okay…..but stop should-ing on us already. You should do this, you should do that. What is it with the non-parents giving parenting advice already?! She reminds me of my childless sister-in-law clucking her tongue during Christmas dinner because Lily was misbehaving. “Just tell her to sit still, “ she kept saying. Yeah. Sure. That’ll work.

And as far as the “shipping them off to more school” issue is concerned, some people have to send their kids to day care, summer camp or some other form of childcare because they have to work. As my father always says, “It’s not fair but that’s life kiddo.”

Sounds like Jessica was fortunate enough to have a parent care for her at home. Good, I’m glad, wish we could all have that. Thank your lucky stars Jessica, it’s a privilege to be able to speak from such an ivory tower of judgment.

P.S. - I fortunately work from home but I'm still sending Lily to summer camp a few days a week.

Jessica had this to say as well, “I think that you all have forgotten how great summer break was when you were a kid.”

Not only do I feel unworthy now I feel old too. Thanks Jessica.

And she went on. Yes, as if her first entry wasn’t bad enough she posted yet another! Here are some precious excerpts from it:

“If you are involved in your kid's lives then you will be able to keep them out of trouble.” Please tell me she’s a teaching major in college. I’d hate to think she’d waste these precious insights into child psychology on accounting or some other business field.

“No wonder bullying has increased in schools when parents ship their kids off to day care instead of taking a greater interest in their lives.” Oooooooo. That one hurt. Boy is she a guilt monger. Is she Jewish? My Aunt Gladys - remember I’m half Jewish – was the best with the guilt. She would say things like, “You eat it, you enjoy yourself, I don’t need to enjoy myself anymore. Or, "You have a head ache? My whole body aches!"

I’m laughing as I’m writing this people. This is not an exercise in cruelty for me, it’s pure catharsis. And this is the Internet so the anonymous, self-righteous Jessica has got it coming. I just hate it when people use my blog as their pulpit to preach from.

This was her best one though……drum roll please…….

“I would also like to add that Neil Armstrong, Bill Gates, and Oprah Winfrey all had summer vacations off…” Yes they did….and so did Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy and George Bush. So what's your point?? I think Hitler had summers off too.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried people. I’d just like to take this moment to thank Jessica for the goldmine of material she left in the comments section of my blog. Thank you Jessica, you just made my job a little easier.

Lice, Ticks And Other Lovely Things

Okay, I thought head lice was bad enough now we're all in a state about ticks here again in the northeast....and it's only March. We took Lily and her cousins to a park on Long Island yesterday, as it was a balmy 60, sunny degrees here.

Lily and her cousins spent hours running through bushes, climbing trees, making forts and playing hide and go seek all the while screaming at the top of their lungs. Why do children always have to scream while they're playing? They tried to feed bread to the ducks but were screaming so loudly as they fought over the bread that even the normally very ballsy Canadian Snow Geese stayed away. Needless to say, they had a fabulous time. Afterwards, we took them out for pizza.

While we were sitting in the pizza parlor minding our own business suddenly, a little tick ran across Lily's nose!!! Yuck!! Mum grabbed it and squashed it between her fingernails. Thank god for acrylic!

I can't believe this early in the spring season we're already getting ticks. I didn't even get my tax return yet! And I thought Lyme Disease was what they call an allergy to martinis.

Tell me your tick stories.

Sherry Is Performing at Lincoln Park, Rhode Island tonight, 3/23/07!

Hear ye, hear ye my faithful readers. I'm going to be performing at Catch A Rising Star tonight, Friday March 23rd, at Lincoln Park in Rhode Island. There are two shows: 8:00PM & 10:00PM. So all my Rhode Island readers please join me. Call the club if you want to be put on my guest list: (401) 475-8415. See you tonight!

Twin River
100 Twin River Rd.
Lincoln, RI 02865
(401) 475-8415

http://www.catcharisingstar.com/providence/index.php

WHAT TO DO FOR SUMMER CAMP??

It's only March but summer is fast approaching and the pressure is on for parents everywhere to secure some educational but fun and usually very expensive activity for their kids. Thank god tax season coincides with 'summer-deposit season' for Lily's day camp 'cause we just take that return and turn it over to someone else. God forbid we should ever have more than $2000 in the bank.

We didn’t attend summer camp when we were children because mums didn’t work back in the ‘70s. They just drank and complained how they wasted their lives. My sister and I in particular were never sent to camp because our father is Hungarian and he spent many years in a tortuous, human rights abusing refugee camp so when it came to his children he always said, “No camps and definitely no showers!”

But I digress……I actually have the perfect solution to summer camp woes. Get rid of summer...not literally of course (don't worry with global warming summer will never leave us - it just may be renamed sauté), I mean get rid of the abnormally long summer break for school children. In most European countries they don't have tremendously long summer breaks, like the 8 to 10 week ones we have here. They just have 2-3 week breaks.

Let's face it, the long summer break here for students was originally intended so that kids could help their parents work on their farms but those days are long gone. Last time I checked, there were no farms in New York City (except fat farms) so this antiquated practice needs to go the way of the horse and buggy.....let the Amish continue to keep their children home in the summer because those kids actually work. Shit, if one of the kids in my bourgeois neighborhood actually picked up a shovel and started plowing I'd faint!...because everything's pretty much concreted over here in South Brooklyn.

And let me tell you, the 8-10 weeks kids have off from school can really set them back educationally. It's hard enough for most kids to keep up nowadays with all the pressure put on them so catching up is even harder.

Here's an idea: develop summer school programs where kids attend school their regular hours but make it a lite day. Have the summer program be less intensive and more like a review where they're in class for half the day and the other half is spent getting their fat, little asses out of the chairs and made to do some form of p.e. for the rest of the day. This could be a way of tackling obesity in children! Have a 'sweatin' it out summer school' program!

Instead of spending thousands on summer camp, put that money back into the school system (minimally, I SAID MINIMALLY PEOPLE, raise our taxes to pay for the teaching staff- so that at least we get a tax credit for it). Wouldn't you rather your child and every child for that matter be given the same opportunity for a meaningful summer? And wouldn't you prefer qualified educational professionals be supervising your children rather than the less-than-experienced-and-don't-bother-me-when-my-boyfriend-is-on-my-cell teenagers hired to work for minimum wage by the over-priced camps??

We could rotate when they get that 2-week vacation break within the 8-10 week program. Parents could decide for themselves when the kids have off so they could plan a family holiday or whatever.

I think this is a great idea! What do you think? Let me know. Or if you have a better idea let me know as well! I'm all ears.......

Candle In The Wind

I went to yet another wake yesterday for a friend: Richard Jeni. Richard was a famous comedian and a very troubled person who took his own life last weekend. Sitting there yesterday, in the chapel of Scarpacci's Funeral Home in Brooklyn, staring at his closed coffin was a stark reminder of how fragile our hold on reality and this world can be.

I remember how sweet he was, friendly, helpful, gently naughty and just hilarious. He will be truly missed by his family, friends, the comedy community and thousands of his fans. It's just bloody depressing.

I heard another one of my comedy compatriots, Greg Fitzsimmons, yesterday on Howard Stern glibly say that Richard took his own life because, "His 2007 calendar wasn't full yet." I'm paraphrasing Greg's comments but the jist of what he was saying was that Richard's work schedule wasn't full for this year so that's why he chose to leave this earth. That's simply not true and really trivializes the circumstances.

Richard Jeni suffered from Clinical Depression - a devastating mental illness. It's been years since my days as a Psychiatric Social Worker but I don't need a Nanny 911 to explain Richard's choices to me. Clinical Depression is no joke.

I'm sorry this Funny Mom is not so funny today. Richard's wake marks the third wake I've been to since 2002. After September 11th, I had my fill of funerals for a lifetime. Since 2002, I've been to two wakes for suicide victims. There's a particular air of tragedy at those wakes that almost supercedes the tragedy of murder....because it's self-inflicted. It was so sad yesterday seeing (what looked like) a mixture of heart ache, disbelief, anguish, guilt and emptiness on the faces of Richard's family.....in particular his brother. My heart really went out to them but other than that, what can you do? Just sit and listen I guess....which is what I did.

(When I say guilt I mean those awful, tortuous questions that linger in one's mind like: Why didn't I see this sooner?; Why didn't I do more? When in reality, we have very little power to control anybody other than ourselves. In no way is anyone responsible for what happened to Richard other than Richard. I need to make that clear.)

I will never forget you Richard Jeni. You were a lovely man and you are missed.

http://www.richardjeni.com/

Hurry Up, Kindergarten Registration Is Today!!

Oh my god, I just read on CNN.com that parents in Brooklyn camped out on Sunday for 36 Kindergarten slots! Now this may sound a little crazy but you know what? I totally understand and I would do the same if I had to. Hey, I camped out for Bon Jovi tickets why wouldn’t I do it for my child?

Do you realize how much a decent private school costs? And if you don’t want to send your little one to Catholic School for Kindergarten because they’re too young to date men then you don’t have many choices. Listen I’m half Catholic and we can no longer deny all those lawsuits. (Now at least we know what that second collection was for….the Father Michael Murphy legal defense fund.) Parochial School is not the answer for everybody.

But the pressure we are under as parents to provide our children with the best education is quite unsettling. I’m imagining Billy Joel’s “Pressure” anthem playing in my mind. If they don’t get into a great Kindergarten program or a good elementary school they’ll never get into an ivy league college and they’ll wind up working at Walmart. It’s a slippery slope people….or at least they’ll have you believing it is.

And let’s not forget, Pre-K is only half a day so by the time your precious child turns five you’re so bloody desperate for a free moment that you’ll camp out on a freeway to get them in a full day program…..at least I would.

Fortunately, Lily’s Pre-K program is in the school she’ll be attending Kindergarten in as well. So, since she’s already registered she automatically has a spot in Kindergarten. That’s why I fought so hard to get her in the school in the first place because I knew there’s limited space. Kindergarten registration began today at 8:00am for new students and the line was around the block by 8:30. And you know, people were turned away or even worse….perhaps their children will be bused to another school that's not of their choice. Scary.

What surprises me is the apparent shock of the news media at the education crisis in our country. They act all surprised at CNN when parents camp out for Kindergarten. Wait a minute?! What am I saying? These are the same people who didn’t question George Bush’s motives for the War in Iraq. These are also the same people who are shocked by the conditions at Walter Reed Hospital years after films like BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY and many other books/films detailed the deplorable conditions of Veterans Hospitals. The media needs to hop aboard the clue train because it's leaving with out them.

I tell you who I’d never camp out for: CNN.

Bizarro, Over-The-Top Kiddie Birthday Parties

The last time I wrote about adult themed birthday parties for children was when Lily was invited to a Salon Party for our neighbor’s 6-year-old daughter. As if the Princess Parties weren’t bad enough! The latest is the Salon Party. Yes, that’s right. The Salon Party: where little girls gather at a professional salon to have their hair styled; get a manicure; and have make-up applied. Basically, it’s a makeover followed by cake and candles. You look like a little whore…now have some cake.

My dismay arose (on many occasions that day) from the fact that it was not age appropriate for 3 to 7 year olds to have their hair and nails done by a bunch of gum chewing, smoking!, 40-something women as they complained about their quote-on-quote “friggin husbands”.

And I never heard a hair stylist scream, “sit still” so many times to a group of children that weren’t even in a wedding party. This was supposed to be fun?! They argued over who was getting their hair done first, who got to sit in the pink chair and who looked the best. PSS – none of them looked great. In fact, they looked like they were all ready for one of those sick, Southern, child beauty pageants….and there wasn’t even a scholarship up for grabs. One thought kept going through my mind the whole time – Amber Alert.

The strangest part of the whole affair for me was the fact that there were no group activities for the children. There was no party atmosphere, there were no games played while they waited to have their cuticles cut. The only teasing was of the hair….it was oddly adult-ish. It seemed like the perfect excuse for our neighbor to have her tips done and throw her daughter a party at the same time. To quote the Church Lady, “How conveeeeenient!”

As if all this wasn’t bad enough…..we just attended a Spa Party, for an 8-year-old boy, where the budget was the cost of a trip to Europe. Now, we’ve been to spa parties before but this one topped all the rest. They basically brought the well known, Manhattan Day Spa BLISS to Brooklyn. The parents of this boy paid for 6 salon professionals: masseurs; facialists; and nail technicians to pamper the children and the adults for four hours! It was incredible! That’s not to mention the caterers who kept us all well fed and the low fat, gluten free Sponge Bob cake that ended our session….excuse me party. Again, no group activities nor games for the kids though.

It was the first kiddie party I’ve ever been too where I was advised to bring money to tip the help. I spent more on tips than on the birthday gift. After all the parents spent on our ‘treatments’ I almost felt guilty about the $20 Toys’R’Us gift certificate I gave their son…..but five minutes later I got over it. Lily and all the boys at the party would have been just as happy (if not more) with an outing to Chuck E. Cheese….and I wouldn’t have had to shave my legs to prepare for it!

The favor given to all the children who attended Ethan’s party was the little, white terry cloth robe they wore whilst waiting for their ‘hot stone treatments’…..and I thought the $3 a piece Angelina Ballerina Pezz dispensers I gave out at Lily’s party were costly! I was so happy when one of the little boys threw one of those hot stones at his mother I was like yay that’s what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re 8!….not having your shakras aligned. I’m sure they had an emergency therapy appointment after the party.

And who the hell gives an 8-year-old boy anything white to wear?! White robes, manicures, pedicures, facials…..Is this kid a metrosexual or a homosexual?

Is it just the northeast area of our country that believes in squandering thousands on birthday parties for kids? Now I know there’s a tremendous concentration of wealth in NYC….I’ve heard about it, I’ve never seen it personally…..but come on people these parties are just excuses for over worked, time starved adults to blend their personal hygiene rituals with parenting. They are the ultimate in multi-tasking.

An event planner for the tri-state area of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut (who chooses to remain nameless), told me recently that his company just did a birthday party for a 12-year-old girl where the budget was $35,000!! The little girl was a fan of the show PROJECT RUNWAY. So, the parents wanted his company to recreate the show experience for their little fashionista. He hired: designers; seamstresses; models; make-up artists; hair dressers; fashion gurus and a various assortment of ‘attitude-y’ gay men to criticize in order to give it that PROJECT RUNWAY real-feel. He said there were more people on staff at this party than guests!

And guess what?! He now does these TV-Show Inspired theme parties regularly…for children! In fact, His PROJECT RUNWAY PARTY has become the template for all such parties. How much money do people have?! You know our little Christmas Cookie Decorating themed birthday party for Lily was very cheap compared to all this but…it still feels right to me. I don’t care how much money one has we need to keep the fact that it’s a ‘children’s birthday party’ in mind. Children, people.

Please share with us stories of birthday parties you’ve been to or hosted that you love…or hate. I don’t care if it’s just a birthday barbecue in the backyard with family, those are the best by the way, please do tell.

Kids Say The Darndest Things....Goofy Title But It Covers It

We took Lily and her cousins for a two-hour long park play date on Sunday. It was a particularly chilly day here in the northeast. Afterwards, we took the kids out for hot chocolate and donuts to warm up.

Each child had two donuts. Lily wanted a third and asked me in front of her cousins. I gave the traditional mommy answer, "No, dinner's in two hours, you'll spoil your appetite." She accepted my answer and continued having a great time playing with all the free real estate magazines in front of the store. They made a right bloody mess of them. It was the only time I've ever felt badly for a realtor....I know how much 'free' promo costs.

Unbeknownst to me, Lily crept up behind me whilst I was sitting and chatting with the family. She whispered in my ear, "Just get me another donut." I laughed out loud. The subtext of her whisper was: just forget all this discipline crap you're doing in front of the family and give me what I want already.....with a hint of I'll forgive you if you just do it too.

I repeated it to the entire family and the staff of Dunkin Donuts. They all thought it was hilarious. She's quite the comedian. Needless to say, they gave her a free donut for her cleverness. I kept it for after dinner of course. I've heard of comedians working for free drinks or to meet chicks but free donuts....this is a new one.

I'm Giving Up Anna Nicole Smith For Lent This Year

That's right! You heard it. I'm giving up Anna Nicole Smith for lent this year.....along with Britney Shears. I want to abjure the culture of inconsequence and this is the best way to begin people.

Yes, I feel sorry for Anna's poor little baby girl but she's not even one and she's getting more media attention than our returning soldiers from Iraq and all the Iraqi civilians who have died or been injured in the past five years. Therefore I'm giving up the mainstream press and media. I blame 24-hour news for our new culture of inconsequence because their constant need for 'fill' has turned real news into 'info-tainment'. I don't want to even hear the name Hilton for a month....unless I'm checking into one.

So even if you're not half Catholic like me, you can still give up something for lent this year. You don't need to be Catholic to shed some fluff from your life. What or who are you prepared to give up? Please let me know, I live for feedback...and most of you just write the most hilarious entries. I really enjoy reading them, I'm sure everyone else does as well.

PS - I loved all the entries on my last post A NATION OF WIMPS. Thank you!

A Nation Of Wimps OR The Whole Helmet Thing

Lily Practising Her Skating (While Wearing Her Helmet)

Do you remember ever wearing a helmet when you were growing up?....NO! In fact, I remember that helmets were reserved for the kids on the short bus. In fact, we pulled the most dangerous stunts on the street with our bikes and ramps often within feet of our parents and the closest thing to caution one would hear was, "Slow down, you're going to hit your father's car!" My mother was more worried about my dad's car than my cranium any day.....of course, the car wasn't paid for yet.

Now as a parent I fully understand the need for safety and that a brain injury is one of the worst things anyone can ever have but holy shit people! I think this whole helmet thing has been taken too far. We have become a nation of neurotics when it comes to our children's safety: between the helmets; the plastic safety edges for wall corners; the new safety straws that stop kids from getting the hiccups when they drink too fast (just tell the greedy little shits to slow down when they're stuffing their faces); the toddler bed safety rails (give me a break, a toddler bed is only 4 inches off the floor); the safety straps in shopping carts; and all the fat kids, we are definitely raising a generation of totally useless wimps in this country.

Too bad there are no safety straps at fast food drive thru windows with words like CAUTION, YOUR ASS WILL BE BIGGER THAN IT APPEARS WHEN YOU EAT THIS!!

Let me tell you something people, the Iraq War better be over by the time the 5 year olds in this neighborhood are of age because these little veals won't be able to leave the confines of their overly cautious cocoons. You can't bring a therapeutic pencil into a war zone!

Thank god the mothers of the boys raised in the 1920s & 30s didn't spoil them with electric wipe warmers because they wouldn't have had the fortitude to storm the beaches at Normandy. I firmly believe that if all the safety and pampering devices we have for kids today existed during that time we'd all be speaking German now. I'm sure the rags they used when changing their kids cloth diapers back then felt like sandpaper and thank god they did!

When I was growing up we used to ride bikes all the time without helmets. The closest thing to safety was when it was suddenly the rage to have an orange flag attached to one's bike so that the cars could see us coming.....as we launched ourselves into the street at break neck speeds. I'm not saying that that was a good thing. I have a very fond, vivid memory of a warm, sunny day and my dad attaching the flag to my bike whilst Fleetwood Mac's SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME was blaring on the radio.

I'm not defending our Evil Knievil death wish ways but there's something to be said for allowing your kids to take risks....not necessarily all the time of course....but the over riding message of growing up in the seventies for me was that - we took risks but we survived them. And those risks enabled me to have the courage and strength to always take risks in my daily life. Believe it or not, being a comedian is definitely not a job for the fearful. The fact that I chose the arts for my livelihood shows that I'm not afraid to take risks....because it was definitely the most foolish choice I ever made.

We learn through experience and we learn more through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope. If it wasn't for the failed relationship with my first fiancé' I wouldn't have learned how to find another useless man and then break him down and build him into the man I now adore. Success through failure.

Helmets are all the rage in my Italian Brooklyn neighborhood. Kids here can't even ride their tricycles without one and knee, elbow, and wrist pads as well. They look like they're ready to go for a walk on the moon not a spin in the driveway. I'm like, "His name is Tony Manero not Tony Hawk for Christ’s sake!" Half these kids could use a good fall to knock the racism and all the hatin' their parents have programmed into their little heads any way.

We're so worried about protecting their skulls what about protecting what goes into those little minds?! Screw helmets just outlaw Britney Spears, news of Anna Nicole Smith and all the other elements of the culture of inconsequence and their little heads will be just fine.

Let me know what you think. Please share with us your memories of not being 'safe' as a child. I love the stories my readers post.