VaginaPalooza

Okay, so last week I discussed our nephew's daily gonadobration. P.S. - I love all the accounts posted in the comments section from readers about their own little boys. If you get a chance you really should read them, they're just hilarious.

Well this week, Lily is coming in a close second with her own homage to her private parts. It's like the vagina monologues minus all the talking. I realize all this fascination is very common and normal for toddlers and small children....and teens and adults. I mean let's face it, in a society where our free-est form of communication, the Internet, is dominated by porn it's easy to see that the fascination is very common and quite pervasive.

However, I am a first time parent so it's safe to assume I'm new to all this. I'm doing my best to be nonchalant about Lily's constant self-exploration because my parents certainly weren't. Not that I'm scarred...hardly...more like the wiser for it.

I simply tell her that it's okay to do this at home but not in public. I'm trying to teach her about privacy and modesty. This is a little difficult to do with a four year old. Not much is private in the world of the toddler. For one, she's in Pre-K and is made to pee at the same time all the other girls pee and in stalls that don't even have doors. So she's told it's okay to pee in front of her peers yet playing with herself in front of them is not okay. Hard for a four year old to grasp....pardon the pun.

Her teachers told me recently that when the students sit down on the mat at story time that that is when Lily really goes to 'town'. Funny how they refer to it as 'going to town'. Never has staying in sounded better. So now, when Lily starts digging they give her something to hold to distract her or a toy to play with. Apparently, much to their dismay, Lily got the message confused and used one of those toys to 'explore' with today. The teacher’s aides are the ones who are primarily responsible for cleaning up after these kinds of things. Whatever they're paying these people, it's really not enough.

Lately, she's taken the self-exploration to new heights by sticking the very fingers she uses to probe herself with right up her nose. Yes, I've caught her many times sniffing her fingers right after! She takes the Mary Katherine Gallagher thing to a whole new level - no just sniffing armpits for my child.

And I love it when she occasionally goes to kiss me and tenderly strokes my face with her sweet little hand only to catch a whiff of those rancid little fingers! Motherhood is very glamorous isn't it?!

This afternoon, she had her friends Carlos, 4, and Frankie, 3, over. At one point, they all disappeared in her room for about 5 minutes and then it suddenly occurred to me to go up there and just check. Upon entering her room, this is what I overheard her saying with her hand down her pants and the boys intently looking on:

"I like it when I'm home." Her eyes were fixed on something far off and her face was the very picture of concentration.

I gently extricated the boys from the room (not that they were at all bothered) and proceeded to tell Lily (gently of course) that yes, it's okay to touch ourselves in the privacy of our home, and in our room, like she was doing but that it's better to do it by oneself. I've said it before, sex is best alone. We don't share everything with our friends.

She replied, "But mama I want to play with my friends and I want to be home." Basically, she was saying that she wants to have it both ways.

Play dates have now become play-with-yourself-dates for Lily.

Boy Toy

Our five-year-old nephew continues to delight us with updates about his johnson. It's quite an obsession. Actually, as my husband says, it's more like a life long love affair.

Connor is the first male grandchild in the family and the first male to be born into our family in over 30 years. So it's safe to say we're somewhat penis-impaired but apparently the whole 'penis' thing is very common. He talks about it all the time as if it's a very sensitive friend, "It doesn't like the bath." Lately it's even become an excuse to not eat his vegetables, "Broccoli makes it hurt." That was a good one. You gotta give him props for trying.

It's not like we encourage him either he just talks about it a great deal. I don't make any faces, I don't laugh, I make an effort not to stigmatize him and when he starts telling me all the things his penis likes and dislikes (sometimes I feel like I've met him in a bar before) I just say okay and I change the subject. Again, I know this is all very normal.

However, this past Sunday, he really through our family for a loop when we were all sitting down to dinner. There were eight of us at the table when suddenly he very matter of factly announced, "My penis has a bone." Well, my mother did a spit take, which of course launched us all into uncontrollable hysterics. He was laughing too with that naughty, impish, adorable little grin of his.

Then, just when we managed to get control of ourselves our seven-year-old niece, his older sister retorts, "Yeah, but not all the time just in the morning."

That was it. We were done. End of story.

Please do share your little boy 'johnson' stories with us if you've got them. We could all use another belly laugh on the subject. I never get tired of these stories. Please feel free to share little girl stories too.

A Great Mother's Day Gift

I keep telling my husband, "You don't have to buy me anything for Mother's Day. No gift certificates to day spas, Macy's, Bed Bath And The Way Way Beyond, no manicures, just leave me alone for a couple of hours."

That's right. I do love my family but I really enjoy time alone now more than ever. I work nights (I'm a comedian) and when I come home late from a show, it may be 12:30am but it feels like midday to me. So I usually turn on the tube and zone out for an hour. Even though I know I'm going to be exhausted the next morning it's soooooo worth it. No getting up to refill anyone's sippy cups, no Angelina Ballerina, no phone, it's just heaven.

I may not do much with those couple of hours but who knows? Maybe I'll finally get around to putting those treasured photos of Lily in frames or sort through that pile on the dining room table. Or maybe I won't, some things - like sex, are best enjoyed alone.

I have a friend who has four children. Four children!! She never complains about the lack of personal time and space. Mind you she doesn't have to work outside the home like my other friend a single parent of twins one of whom is autistic, nevertheless she's a real trooper. She doesn't have a car either yet she still manages to get around via public transportation and her kids don't lack for anything. They're all loved, provided for, well adjusted and very, very happy.

We didn't have much material wise when we were growing up either but we were also very happy. My mum did give up having a winter coat when I was six so I could have dance lessons though. She just doubled up on sweaters and made it work. My mum did a lot for us and continues to be a great help in our lives. She's always helping with the grandchildren and spending time with them.

I'm really thankful for my mother this year. I'm going to think about her a lot on Mother's Day as I'll be working. I have shows in Boston that weekend. My group MAMAS NIGHT OUT will be at the Jimmy Tingle Theatre all weekend. But I will take my mother out to dinner during the week.

Share with us some of your favorite memories of mom. We'd love to hear them.

Children Who Tease: Deal With It Before The Jokes On You

I volunteer as an art assistant twice a week in Lily’s school. I highly recommend volunteering in your child’s school if you want an insight into how the school operates both politically and socially. It’s a powerful bird’s eye view….and they can always use the help.

I really adore the children in both my classes: one Kindergarten; one First Grade. The Kindergartners are just so sweet: the heart felt letters to the Easter Bunny; the constant hugs; and the fact that they're always telling me they love me. They really make my morning. However, the First Graders can be really cruel to each other, emphasis on reeeeaaaa-lly. It’s surprising that at such a young age they’ve so got the cruelty thing down already. As a parent it really concerns me.

I’ve often heard the phrase, “Kids knock the corners off each other.” They also seem to pick up on each other’s Achille’s heels very quickly too. The tormenting they unleash upon a set victim is really painful to watch and I do my best to stop it immediately. I also try to diffuse the harm it does. I say try because often those words are really hard to undue and I only have them for 45 minutes once a week whereas they have each other for the rest of the day. God only knows what vitriol they’re dispensing the minute an adult’s back is turned or in the unstructured lunchroom. I also make their teachers aware but as we all know, it’s just par for the course when it comes to kids. The teachers often ‘wave’ me off. Sounds like a Columbine in the making doesn’t it??

This kind of torture often takes me back. We were all teased as children or may have experienced what it’s like to be the outsider at one point or another so it’s easy to identify. That teasing helped fashion me into the comedian that I am today…..it also helped build a lovely summer home for my therapist.

When I was 12, there was this ugly, fat, vicious wench named Stephanie whose main goal in life was to torture me. Pubescent girls can just be evil. To this day, when I hear the name Stephanie it can actually make my libido disappear. I know this because my husband brought home a porno once. When he popped it in (the tape) the main characters’ name was Stephanie and let me tell you it really killed the mood. The story was over before it began and it didn’t have a happy ending either.

Now, every month Stephanie had a new victim so it was just a numbers game and I’m not that lucky so ultimately it was my turn to be her bitch. After a month of me faking stomach viruses, fevers (I would heat the thermometer on the stove) and taking the dogs heart worm medication to bring on diarrhea my mother finally caught on that maybe my constantly missing school was psychosomatic.

So it all came out in the end. We had a meeting at school between the bully, her mother (who was just as hideous and mean as her daughter), my mother, me and the head mistress (principal). And in that meeting, the bitch’s mother actually threatened my mother. They were very dysfunctional and that term hadn’t even been invented yet. But my mother had the ultimate comeback, it was also the seventies so she was a little stoned as well, which made for a great meeting. My mother is very good at giving an insult disguised as advice, I call it being English. She’s also good at the I'm-not-being-rude-you're-just-insignificant thing:

“Don’t be angry with my daughter and I. It’s not our fault that you and your child are so hideous. They have surgery for that nowadays you know. You don’t have to suffer anymore. And you could stop eating. Now let’s all be friends, shall we?”

It was great! The next day I went to school – diarrhea free. Stephanie gave me one of her nastiest looks and I just outstretched my arms.

“Come on, let me give you a hug, it’ll help.” I said. She was so mad she just took off. It worked.

She moved on to her next victim….my cousin Julie. Big mistake! Julie knew she was a lesbian at the age of 12. So when Stephanie made her vicious advances towards Julie, Julie thought she was coming on to her in some twisted way and just kissed her right on the mouth. Stephanie’s family eventually moved and we never heard from her again. Sometimes homophobia is good. I’m kidding people!!

Share with us some of your best teasing or bully stories.

Childless Weddings UPDATE

Wow!! My post entitled CHILDLESS WEDDINGS got such heated responses from readers! You know, I write these blogs to affect people and it looks like they're doing just that. Hopefully they make you laugh, sometimes they even outrage you but at the very least they're entertaining. That I know, because so many of you read them and then take the time to post comments which I really appreciate. Thank you.

However, I wanted to give you an update on my cousin's wedding we attended this past weekend. It was smashing! The bride was beautiful, the groom showed up, everything appeared to go off without a hitch....ha ha. The couple even seemed to have dodged a bullet weather-wise as the wedding was on Saturday and the reception just ended when the current storm system that is battering the northeast hit. Unfortunately, their honeymoon is delayed because a lot of flights are grounded at the moment but otherwise, I think they lucked out.

I got a chance to speak with the groom and he was a doll. Turns out he's sensitive, caring, good-looking and a good listener.....almost too good to be true. I kept looking around for his boyfriend.

My aunt-ique (she's now 94) from Scotland told me the greatest joke: Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions. Pearls of wisdom from the ancient. She told me this after she'd had several Cosmopolitans.

Lily was one of only a handful of children at the wedding. She only stayed for the ceremony and part of the cocktail hour as it all started so late in the evening. Then, she and my husband retired to the hotel room allowing me time to spend catching up with the family. She and all the rest of the children left early because the reception didn't begin till about 8:30, which was just too late for the little ones. They all left without making a peep and none of them disturbed nor interrupted the proceedings.

I did not say that children were 'not invited' to the wedding to begin with. I said they were ‘discouraged from attending’.....although the invitations were addressed to the Davey family. I should have made the invitation part clearer but I did say they were 'discouraged from coming' not forbidden.

And I did say they invited our 'entire extended family'. But alas, it appears so many readers love the chance to anonymously tell me off on line….it’s easier than really reading the post….and a good release for them. I'm laughing as I'm writing this, because I love the self righteous comments...almost as much as the naughty ones that people post like, "stick it in" and such.

So many of you wrote in about how weddings are about the bride and groom not the entire family (and how I was a Guestzilla). I STILL HAPPEN TO TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH MANY OF MY COMMENTERS THOUGH. Weddings are about family, that's why they were invented to begin with. This is not a sense of entitlement but just reality.

So many of you wrote in about how for the bride and groom it's "their day". Sorry sweetie, no such thing. Calendars are not altered for brides and grooms, days are not renamed. They just continue to flow one in to the next as they've always done. If the guests otherwise known as friends and family were so unimportant to the day they wouldn't even be invited. Chew on that one.

Clowning Around

We went to see Ringling Brothers And Barnum & Bailey Circus this week in Manhattan. This marks the second year we've seen the Greatest Show On Earth when it comes to town. Lily just adores the circus and we spend weeks talking about it ahead of time so it's really an event around here.

This year's theme for the circus was the romance between their star, daredevil, clown Bello and a curvaceous trapeze artist. She, I cannot remember her name, was stunning and had a body to die for. I'm sure they through in that bit for all the dads. She was a hottie even I was falling in lust with her. That's what you want at the circus: a bunch of horny, male audience members surrounded by thousands of children. Great. Didn't they have a meeting about this?

BTW, what happened to all the little people in the circus?? Political correctness is a real downer. The circus just isn't what it used to be anymore. No more bearded ladies, no more people with deformities masquerading as real talents. Female hormones are to side shows what Prozac was to Goth - the end.

Anyway, Lily had a fabulous time. We all did. There is definitely something thrilling for everyone at the circus. They need to start selling beer at the circus though. My nerves were so frayed from all the net less, high wire acts that I could have really used one. I guess they don't want any drunk parents telling their kids, "Yeah it's okay, pet the tiger."

And they really get you with the souvenirs as you exit the venue. The kids are all hyped up as you pass those cranky salespeople hawking those over-priced elephant drinking cups for $15. Genius. If only P.T. Barnum were here today.

American Idle

Year after year, voter turn out in our country gets lower and lower with each election. However, people are voting by the millions for that Jambalaya (ask me if I care) or whatever the heck his name is on AMERICAN IDOL. When it comes to presidential elections I hear excuses from non-voters like, “My one vote won’t make a difference.” But for some reason, they obviously think it does when a recording contract is on the line.

Maybe our next presidential election should just be a singing contest. Maybe then people will actually care. With celebrity based reality television taking over it wouldn’t surprise me if someone nominates Anna Nicole Smith’s baby for president in 2008 and she wins!

And as a professional comedian, I’m glad that that guy who referred to himself once as a “radio comic genius”, you know him as Imus, was fired. The only thing he was a genius at was combining racism and misogyny now that's a skill.

Childless Weddings

My cousin Barry was in my Aunt Sarah's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he took two steps, stopped, and turned to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he put his hands up like claws and roared loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. Barry, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the Barry sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Now isn't that a funny, precious memory?! Weddings are about family right? And people's impending families right?....About people coming together to make children. Isn't that why marriage was created in the first place?….for procreation. Tomorrow, we're going to a so-called 'family' wedding where children are discouraged from coming. Is there something wrong with this picture?

This will be the third so-called family event that we've been to in five years where children are discouraged from attending. Between the dresses, the cost of getting to the event, the expense of the hotel room and the wedding gift now we're supposed to hire a babysitter for 24 hours to watch our child? Screw that. And when someone invites your entire family to a wedding who is supposed to watch the children of that family?

And honestly, it's not like this is going to be some extravagantly expensive elegant Manhattan affair where children will ruin the ambience. It's upstate New York! I'm sure the catering hall is very familiar with children.

Weddings are expensive and not just for the bride and groom. Between the dresses, the gift, the shower gift, the gas, and the hotel, we're going to spend about $750. That's a lot! And you know that the food's going to suck! I know I'm going to be disappointed by the 'chicken' I ordered with my R.S.V.P. I can only imagine what my husband's 'prime rib' is going to be like.....rare and yucky. It's like going to a restaurant but ordering the food three months ahead of time. Boring!!!

I'm really upset by this trend of childless weddings. I think it's bizarre. When I R.S.V.P.'d the event I put our daughter, Lily's, name on as 'attending' as well. The mother of the bride-to-be, who is an old family friend of 30 years, called and told me in her snippiest tone, "No one else is bringing their children!"

I replied, "You've invited our entire extended family to travel 200 miles from our homes for your daughter's wedding. What are we supposed to do with our daughter?"

She coldly responded, "Then don't come." However, she wasn't expecting what I said next.

"Okay, then scratch my parents and my sister and my in-laws from the list as well. None of us will be attending."

I must admit. I was lying. God knows where I pulled that one out of! Sometimes I amaze even myself. She was very flustered and shocked. She aah-aah-aaaah-ed me for a few seconds and then I told her that I was busy and had to hang up. Honestly, I was afraid I was going to crack anyway so I thought it best to call it quits quickly.

I called my mother right away and got our stories straight. Cause I know, that she'd be on the phone with my mother in seconds yenta-ing it up. Needless to say, within 15 minutes of the original call, children were now on the guest list.....begrudgingly of course.

But still, why are children excluded from these major family events?! Some of my most treasured childhood memories are of the family getting together at weddings, christenings, Bar Mitzvahs, etc..... Now for some reason, children are not being included.... at least not around NYC.

I remember playing with my cousins at a huge outdoor, evening wedding when I was eleven. I can still remember how much fun we had sneaking what was left of various adults' drinks while they were on the dance floor. We were all a little buzzed as we lay on the grass looking up at the stars, giggling for hours.

I also remember dancing with my grandfather at my Aunt Sarah's wedding. I had the greatest time. I placed my feet on top of his as he twirled me around the dance floor. He died later that year...suddenly...unexpectedly. That's my last memory of him.

So what do you think of this trend of childless weddings?? Will there be special 'Wedding Daycare' facilities in the future? Are childless weddings to be followed by childless marriages? I can see it now, "The parents of so and so invite you to join in the childless union of their children.....and don't worry this is the last time you'll see us as we're not expecting any grandchildren."

In an effort to be fair and balanced though......is this the result of inconsiderate parents allowing their children to upset the wedding proceedings with tantrums and screaming? That's a video you'll never forget. If you've had this experience let me know too.

I'd really like to know what you have to say.

Schools Out For A Religious Holiday AGAIN!!!!!

Now, if you're a regular reader of my blog then you know that I'm half Catholic and half Jewish. However, between Passover and Easter Lily has almost two weeks off from school! It's enough to make me hate god. Didn't we just have a winter break in February?! And America wonders why our children always lag behind the kids from other countries when it comes to Math and Science? Give me a break already! Keep the god damned schools open more and then they'll progress.

PS - I feel the social director on a cruise ship trying to come up with more engaging, educational activities again. Can you tell I'm fed up?

I'm A JAP

Hello there. Just wanted to let you know that I just landed a role as the official swing (the person who can fill in for any cast member) for the new Off Broadway Show entitled J.A.P. - The Jewish American Princesses Of Comedy. It opens tonight at the Actors Temple Theatre on W. 47th Street in NYC between 8th & 9th Avenues at 8:00PM. I'm filling in for Jessica Kirson.

The show is hilarious. It was written by Corey Kahaney and stars Corey, Jessica Kirson, Cathy Ladman and the incomparable Jackie Hoffman. You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy the show.....but it wouldn't hurt.

I'm the half Jewish, half Catholic quotient in the show. That means I bring my lawyer to Confession.

www.telecharge.com

Here's what Broadway.com has to say:

"Four of today's funniest female comics salute the trailblazing and treasured pioneers of comedy with their own zany stories and hilarious stand up. Featuring such star comediennes as Cory Kahaney and Jackie Hoffman, the show is peppered with vintage footage of the original queens of comedy, Belle Barth, Totie Fields and others. Kvetching about husbands, family, sex and weight issues, these "princesses of comedy" prove that the stuff cracking-up Bubby and Zayde in the schteltl is still pretty darn funny today. After all, laughter is the best medicine - unless you married a doctor...then that's better!"

When Childless People Give Parenting Advice

Good grief! It's been a week of more self righteous, childless people stridently giving parenting advice in the comments section of my FUNNY MOM blog. Why do the childless feel the need to lecture us parents so much?! Are they jealous? Do they just like to sound off? Do they just have too much free time? (I bet they do those free-time-wasters, forget lecturing I'd put my free time to better use if I could...like sleeping!) Or do they have siblings with children whom they can't say two words to so they come here to let off steam?...I don't know. But I must tell you, they're always amusing....and sometimes infuriating.

When I posted in the blog that I had trouble quieting our four year old, Lily, at the Christmas table, a self-described college student with no children made this comment:

"....just because you are a mom doesn't make you all knowing (otherwise you would have been able to quiet Lily at dinner."

Spoken like a true parenting novice. I didn't even grace that one with a response because it just didn't deserve one it was just so bloody ridiculous. However, a reader simply named Pissed had this to say:

"WHAT? that is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard....My point is that you have no right to imply that if a mom can't control their child at all times they are bad parents. You could not possibly have a clue what it's like to be a parent. I hope that you do become a mother one day so you can laugh at yourself. You are bound to have a brat for sure, people like you usually do!"

Thanks Pissed. I couldn't have put it better myself. I'm feeling ya. Aren't you sick and tired of being lectured by these people? It's like George Bush speaking on Foreign Policy or Paris Hilton coming out with a line of underwear. Makes no sense.

My sister-in-law is a clueless, childless, tongue-clucking lecturer too. When the Christmas Dinner incident occurred she said to me in her best why-didn't-you-think-of-this tone, "Just tell her to sit still."

Sure. That always works. Just tell a hyper four year old to sit still and they will. Puh-lease.

My friend Liz was telling me that some Kindergarten teachers at a prospective school interviewed her four year old. She said the process was warm, friendly and that her son really reveled in the attention as well. But her childless, twenty-something tenant was very annoyed by this fact, "They interviewed a four year old?! What could a four year old possibly have to say?!!"

Oh I don't know......He makes me kiss it.......or......He puts it in my bum!!!! My goodness you could learn a lot about a four year old if you just take the time to listen to him or her. But someone who doesn't have kids wouldn't know that.

And it's not even like we seek the advice of the childless, they just feel the need to dispense their unfounded wisdom where ever and when ever possible. I was in Keyfood the other day and this crotchety old lady who must have been at least 150 kept telling me that Lily was going to fall out of the shopping cart. PS - She was no where near going to fall out of the cart....if she was drunk maybe....but it was only three and happy hour begins in this house at five.

But I digress....this woman wouldn't stop. Now I know she was doing this out of concern so I thanked her. Let's face it, it's Brooklyn. She didn't have to help me at all. She could have just used the opportunity to steal my purse or something but she didn't. She chose to help and I THANKED HER PEOPLE. And I reassured her that Lily was safely ensconced inside the cart and was sitting not standing.

So, Lily remained seated in the shopping cart while I placed objects inside it as there was no clear and present danger. Well, this busy body of a woman went and got the manager and proceeded to have him lecture me as well. It was embarrassing and shocking all at the same time. I felt like I was an American Idol contestant who'd just blown the audition.

The manager by the way looked like he'd been having a Ménage A Moi. His belt buckle was undone and his face was all blotchy. He did not exactly have a managerial, authoritarian presence. I almost felt bad for him and wanted to tell him to just go back to trolling MySpace.

Then, she let this one fly, "In my day, my mother never let us sit in the shopping cart."

In her day?! I responded, "In your day, I'm sure they didn't have shopping carts, I don't even know if they had the wheel."

She haughtily replied, "My mother.......". That's when I cut her off because I had an epiphany.

"Wait a minute! You keep using your mother as a reference because you never had kids of your own! A ha!" I made the sign of the cross with my fingers, "Away with you demon! Be gone demon!" With that last remark she was sufficiently scared and took off. PS - That demon trick always works when you want to get rid of someone.

Please share your experiences of being lectured by the childless. Believe me, you'll feel better about them when you do.