More Breast Feeding Guilt

Some readers commented on my last post, BREAST FEEDING GUILT, that they received both praise and critiscm for breast feeding. One reader, Yesenia commented, "I too have gotten the breastfeeding alone is not enough comments." Yesenia, you are not alone my friend. I also remember (like it was yesterday, that's how much the comments jarred me) several women aged sixty-plus telling me that my breast milk wasn't enough that I needed to supplement with formula.

One of these old biddies even told me she thought Lily's eyes looked sunken from lack of nutrition - meanwhile she was 16 pounds by the time she was 4 weeks old!! However, being a new mother I was so disturbed by her comment that I threw common sense out the window and took Lily right to the pediatrician. In fact, I told the receptionist that it was an emergency and that we needed to see the doctor right away because Lily was suffering from malnutrition. She just sighed and asked the perennial, "This is your first baby right?!"

In fact, I think I broke the speed limit several times as I raced to the pediatrician just to find out that Lily was in the 100th percentile for height and weight. That ladys' comment proved far more dangerous than any boob.

The pediatrician was wonderful and so supportive. He told me to stop listening to everybody and just follow my instincts. In fact, he gave me a bunch of his business cards with his cell number on them and told me to pass them out to everyone who had a comment or suggestion for me when it came to breast feeding. He said it was his express wish for these commenters to call him so he could set them straight on breastfeeding....and more importantly about minding their own business. Dr. Powers you rule!!!

What nerve!! What balls these women have!! There's an old saying and it goes like this: opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one and sometimes they really stink. Breast feeding to my knowledge is good enough - the old saying 'breast is best' applies. Again though, let me emphatically state that I'm not intending to lecture anyone who is not 'on the boob' as everyone's choice is their own and it's a highly personal choice....and whatever you are doing is fine!! Feel secure in that knowledge my gentle reader. You are good and your baby is fine.

Breast Feeding Guilt

My mother liked a nice drink in her day......and that day could have been Tuesday. No seriously, my mother is English and likes her cocktails. She even drank the night before she gave birth to me. So it's safe to say I had my first White Russian when I was about three hours old.

My new neighbor told me yesterday that she's breastfeeding her son. As soon as she mentioned this little tidbit of information our other neighbor launched into a diatribe about the subject chock full of "you should-s" and "well I think-s". Which was a shame, because the new neighbor was just trying to make light girl talk.

Now I breast fed for two years but that in no way qualifies me as an expert. However, this loquacious neighbor, whom I know breast-fed for a very short period of time, is truly in no position to be lecturing anyone on the subject. So I asked her how long she did it for already knowing what she would say.

"Two weeks," she replied very matter of factly, "they tell you that anything more than that is unnecessary." This is patently untrue. It was such a strange, over-reaching statement that I felt sucked into the vortex of it's stupidity and the need to retort....which was my first mistake.

"You mean it's not necessary for the baby or for you? Or is it more unnecessary for the formula companies for you not to breast feed for more than two weeks?" I asked.

"Sherry, all the experts agree it's not necessary!!" She screamed.

It was at that point that the iron gate was pulled down on our communication. Our little chat turned into a courtroom scene from CSI: lots of fist pounding; expert testimony thrown in for good measure; followed by a lengthy, preachy summation. I realized she had very set opinions on the matter for whatever reason: guilt; frustration; inability; maybe she had to work and it was inconvenient; or maybe she really thinks it's unnecessary. Whatever the reason (it's none of my business) I did not feel the need to continue the line of conversation....and I couldn't get a word in edgewise anyway.

When she was finally through lecturing our shell-shocked new neighbor....welcome to the neighborhood...I quietly reassured the new neighbor that whatever she chooses will be just fine as it's her choice and no one else's.

When it comes to breast-feeding can women stop guilting themselves and others?? Jesus Christ! Do it or don't do it but stop lecturing the rest of us about it already.

Our Four Year Old Is Eating For Two

I think Lily's body is gearing up for another growth spurt because her stomach aka the bottomless pit has been on a rampage lately. Her nickname around here is baby shark as she consumes vast quantities of food, never stops moving and when she takes her first bite her eyes roll back in her head. In my mind, I can hear the Quint character in JAWS singing that 'Ladies Of Spain' tune each time she sits down at the table. It's now at the point where every time we sit for a family meal my husband laughingly says, "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Here's the list of foods baby shark consumed today:
Breakfast Bar
Waffles
Cookies
Apple
Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich (two)
grapes
banana
strawberries
chicken and broccoli dinner (she asked for seconds of the chicken)
popsicle

After dinner she went with my husband for a bike ride. Along the way, she spotted the local pizzaria and asked to go in. Inside, she had slice of pizza and a chocolate Italian Ice.

Oh and I forgot to mention how many times I refilled her drink cup with juice and water.....at least eight. I lost count after 4:00pm.

I hate to admit it but I love when she eats like this, it brings out my inner Jewish Grandmother.

Frazzled & Fatigued

I'm so friggin tired today and I don't even have any snarky comments about it either.....that's how tired I am. I'm a comedian so I live for a good laugh but I'm afraid my funny bone has jumped the snark today.

Lily slept late this morning - 6:00am. She's usually up at 5, I'm like where are you going fishing?! She went to bed last night around 10:30 and so did I. So it's not like I didn't get any sleep either.

I'm just the life of the party today....as long as that party ends at 8:00pm.

I didn't have a particularly tiring day. I took Lily to the park after school, we played for about 90 minutes. Then we went to have our nails done. I get a 'fill' every two weeks and Lily gets a mani-pedi to boot. She loves it. I allow her to pick out her own colors and she usually picks the most vicious shade of prostitute pink, or daddy-bashed-me-blue but today she surprised us all and went for a classic shade of red.

After that, we went for a bike ride or rather I chased her to the park and she continued to ride there for about an hour. Then she played with her schoolmate Ty for about 45 minutes. Frankie, her friend from across the street, came over and watched the Backyardigans with her afterwards. He just left and I'm exhausted.

Mommy is done, I'm bringing down the iron gate. I've had way more frazzling days than this one but maybe my tank has been running on e for so long that my engine's compromised.

There Is Definitely A Man Shortage Out There

I spent Mother's Day this year in Boston performing with my comedy troop MAMA'S NIGHT OUT. My old friend and funnyman, Al Klemick, and my partner in MAMA'S, Karen Morgan, and I went to Redbones for lunch. It was great! We sipped sweet tea while dining on pulled pork sandwiches (I'm a bad Jew).

The best part of the whole lunch was that our children weren't there neither were our husbands, just our confirmed bachelor friend Al regaling us with tales of single hood and the bar scene. As much as my husband is a pain in the ass I can't imagine being single again. Not for me.

We went out for drinks the night before in Boston and I think all my single girlfriends are absolutely right: there is definitely a man shortage out there. We saw a freakishly fat man with a beautiful, tiny wisp of a woman. She was stunning and I bet she was accomplished too - probably a lawyer or something.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, Sherry you’re so superficial. Wait. I haven’t finished the story yet. The freakishly fat man behaved abysmally towards the young woman and to the cocktail waitress as well. He drew all sorts of attention to himself by shouting and generally being obnoxious. While all the time sweating profusely. Very sexy……not.

I don’t care how exciting it is meeting new people Al. I’ll stick with the devil I know. And if something ever happens to my husband, I'm just going to spend time with my family and enjoy the life insurance money. Seriously.

Let us know your accounts of the supposed man shortage.

My First Mammogram

I had my first mammogram last week. They say (whoever they are) that all women should have a baseline mammogram between the ages of 35-40 so that 'they' have something to compare your future x-rays too as you age.

The mammogram wasn't painful and it was very quick. However, they do stretch out what little remains of my poor I-breastfed-for-eighteen-months boobs. I went in there a 38B and came out a 42 Long.

My Clothes Are Shrinking In The Closet

Why is it that every spring I find that the clothes I put away last year shrunk whilst in storage??!! What am I doing wrong? I got those space saver bags - you know the ones where that girl sucks the air out of the bags with a vacuum cleaner in the commericial. But somehow moisture still manages to get into them and consequently they shrink.

....Or is that muffin I now have between breakfast and lunch? Or that extra slice of pizza? I'm now up to three slices at a sitting and that's just lunch. Or is it that extra glass of wine I help myself to when the kids' screaming gets on my last nerve?

When single women go to the refrigerator and see nothing they want they go to bed. When married women go to bed they see nothing they want and go back to the refrigerator. So maybe my weight gain is another thing I can blame on my husband. Great, that solves that. I thought I was actually going to have to start exercising or something.

Mama's Night Out

The comedic, mommy trio known as MAMA'S NIGHT OUT, which I am a proud member of, is coming to Providence & Boston for Mother's Day weekend! Karen Morgan, Nancy Witter and I met an became fast friends while filming the first season of Nick At Nite's FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA. We had so much fun working together that we said let's continue this hence the birth of our family-centric comedy show that blends stand up with audience participation. It's a great choice for Mother's Day weekend.

Here's all the info:

Thursday, May 10th, 8:00pm, CATCH A RISING STAR, Twin River Casino, Lincoln Park, RI
with special guest star Dr. Judy Kuriansky, 401-311-2211

Friday - Sunday, May 11-13, JIMMY TINGLE'S OFF BROADWAY THEATRE, Somerville, MA
Friday & Saturday, 7:30 and Sunday at 3:00pm, call for info & tix: 617-591-1616

Alec Baldwin Was Right

It's been almost a week since Alec Baldwin's taped telephone rant to his 11-year-old daughter hit the airwaves. When I first heard the teaser on CNN for a 'startling new tape' I thought they were referring to Bin Laden. Turns out it was just another Baldwin Brother losing it.

Yes, the tape is disturbing. No, I don't think he's right, I just needed a snappy, grab-you-by-the-you-know-whats title for this piece. It's just awful to hear a parent talking to their child in such a demeaning and threatening manner. And it was definitely misdirected anger towards his ex-wife. Blah, blah, whatever. Waah waah.

Who really cares about the hardships of these rich, white people?! It was like when Laura Bush had the balls to say last week that no one suffers like she and the president when it comes to the Iraq War. I don't think so. You aren't missing any limbs Laura or have a traumatic brain injury - maybe Georgie Boy does, that would explain a lot, but whatever.

Anyway, I was thinking about Alec's rant in the context of our society today. You know, when I was growing up in the 70's things were soooo different. Alec's rant was nothing compared to the things my father used to say. My father used to lose it on a daily basis with us. I'm laughing as I'm writing this people. I love and adore my father and really enjoy his company now. However, I was scared shitless of him when I was growing up. Consequently, were all well behaved in our family.

My dad used to say things like: "Shut the hell up"; "Eat your dinner or I'm going to give you a mirror so you can watch yourself starve to death"; and his perennial favorite threat "I'm going to knock you into next week". Whenever we were playing downstairs and it got too quiet he would shout down to my friends and I, "What the fuck's going on down there." My dad was a military man so swearing was a way of life.

God forbid we ever swore!! We weren't even allowed to say breast. We had to say chest of chicken. My dad is the Hungarian Archie Bunker, a great character.

Whenever we used to exhibit some new behavior he didn't approve of he used to immediately blame it on school. He would say things like, "What do you do in that school all day? Learn to disrespect your parents? What do you?...go to school to dummy up?!"

And nobody in the community ever batted an eye. 'Cause everyone talked to their kids like that back then!! Whenever my sister, my cousins and I get together all we do is laugh about my father and the way he used to lose it with us over the slightest thing when we were kids.

I have a very distinct memory of being in the car with my family, my cousin Mark and a neighbor's kid on the way to the beach one Sunday. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and Fleetwood Mac's 'You Make Lovin' Fun' was blasting on the radio. We were all singing along and everyone was happy. The windows were open and we were waving to people and laughing. Great moment. All of sudden, my dad's mood changed and he pulled the car over and proceeded to scream at us about sticking our arms out the windows while the car was moving.

We were waving not just sticking our arms out the window! Well, he lost his shit and gave us the lecture of a lifetime replete with swear words about vehicle safety. PS - He wasn't even wearing his seatbelt at the time. He never did. The man is consistently inconsistent. You never knew what would make my dad snap. Yes, you could say he was just concerned about us but he didn't have to call us a bunch of morons in the process. He really could be a kill joy.

I used to run track and he used to scream out words of encouragement like, "Win or I kill your sister." He was frequently asked to leave these events. He's a Hungarian refugee so imagine that sentence with an Eastern European, Vampire sounding accent at ten decibels. After every race I was in someone would always say, "Who invited Dracula?" Embarrassing.

It's incredible how sensitive our society has become towards children in less than 30 years. My father's reaction to the rant: "Kids today need their asses straightened out more than ever." But then he added this wise comment too (with that accent): "Vat de hell is wrong vit this guy?! Thinks he can parent over the phone? He's made millions. He should retire already and move to be closer to his daughter, that's the only job that should be important to dis guy. Money is too important to people dese days."

Share with us some of your favorite memories of your parents losing it when you were a kid. They’re funny now….they’re also building a nice summer home for my therapist.