My Four Year Old Is A Graduate

Lily receiving her Pre-K diploma.

We attended a very cute Pre-K Graduation ceremony this week for our daughter Lily. It was just adorable. They sang songs, recited the alphabet, counted up to 20.....well tried to count up to 20. Most started to get lost or trailed off at 8. They chanted a military style 'Hey hey, ho ho, Kindergarten is the place to go." Precious moments. Lily picked her nose for most of the proceedings, this is the only photo we have of her not digging for gold.

KIDS WHO HIT AND THE PARENTS WHO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT Update

Just wanted to give you an update on the 'hitting situation' in the playground. A few weeks ago, I posted an article about one of Lily's classmates, who shall be named Kayla, and her proclivity towards violence and other inappropriate behaviors...including swearing. Remember? She's the one who kicked a four year old in the nuts? She's only five and already is a ball buster.

I discussed with Lily's teachers the situation in the playground and as it turns out, I wasn't the first parent to bring up Kayla's free flying fists. So, her teachers (I love them) used the situation as a learning tool. They didn't point out Kayla in the classroom instead, they used the playground situation as an example to stand up for one’s self and as an empowerment exercise. I won't always be there to stand up for Lily so she has to learn to do it for herself. "I'm not going to play with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly!" Is the chant I heard down the hallway as I picked her up from school.

So.....considering this new found empowerment.....I really have to say......to those commenters who wrote ridiculous comments about my description of Kayla as a fat, little bastard....get a grip. I described Kayla as such only in this blog. I never discuss weight in front of my own child or make derogatory comments about others in front of her. Most readers wrote informative comments that effectively contribute to our little online parental community but of course there are always a few that detract.

Stop projecting your own weight issues on to this blog and actually start reading it for what it is!! A humor column! Not a self-help directive. I feel like I’m starring in an episode of “When Doctor Phil Attacks”. I’m not Oprah people. I can’t build you a school. I’m just here for shits and giggles Jeessh!! And PS - Kayla is a mean, horrible, fat little girl. Some kids, like their parents, wank as human beings.

And as far as using the situation to teach someone else's child a lesson about behavior...please also get a grip. I know it takes a village but there's only so much one can do with someone else's child. One also has to presume that if one says something to that child in front of that child's parent and the parent says nothing that it's a lost cause. I also wrote that in the blog. Cluelessa, the awful childs' parent, said nothing when confronted by me for her child's aggressive behavior.

Unlike some of our overly sensitive readers, I will continue to stand up to bullies - whether they're kids or presidents. I think that's appropriate behavior to model for any child.

MY FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND

Lily and Kevin enjoying one of our favorite rainy day activities - baking brownies.

My last post was about a bullying little girl in Lily's class. So, I felt it incumbent upon me to post something positive about Lily's good friend Kevin. Kevin is a fun little boy who can fart at will (an endless supply of laughter) and likes to gross us out with his stinky feet, a guy-in-training, or as my dad would say a real man's man. I always thought this phrase was very confusing because in my mind a man's man is a homosexual but in this country it's something else. Whatever. People have issues.

As I was saying, Kevin is Lily's little buddy. They play so nicely together. They don't just parallel play they actually interact. They ask each other questions, they respond, they argue, it's a real relationship. Summer break is almost upon us and Kevin doesn't live that close by but I'm going to make a supreme effort to keep this love affair going. I'm becoming my Jewish mother....going out of my way to keep a goy boyfriend in my daughter's life.

Kevin also has a problem with clothes. Whenever he comes over for a play date, within the first five minutes he's half naked. Sometimes I feel like I met him in a bar years ago. It doesn't matter what the temperature is outside he's always, "Boiling!". Men do seem to run a lot hotter than women. My husband is such a furnace that even in winter he doesn't need a jacket. I love warming up my freezing feet on his back in the middle of the night. Now that's sexy.

Now that my husband has developed a thyroid problem is inner furnace is not working so well anymore. He only takes one pill a day but oh my god what a baby! The drama surrounding this pill is unreal. I gave birth to a 9 and a half-pound baby. I gave birth to a toddler. She crawled out of my fannie pack. I had to put my foot down on the cord and say, "Get back here, they're not done yet!" This man has to take one pill once a day and the world has to know about it.

He missed his pill yesterday and said, "Should I take two at once? Or one now and one 12 hours from now? Should I have the doctor paged?"

I was like, "Take 'em all at once and make us all freaking happy!"

KIDS WHO HIT AND THE PARENTS WHO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT

Almost all the students from Lily's Pre-K class play together after school in the park. Monday was no different. Kayla, the naughty, fat girl from class was once again going for my daughter. This time she not only berated Lily - calling her "stupid" and "dumb" she hit Lily twice!! Right in front of me and the other parents including her mother....henceforth known as Cluelessa.

Cluelessa and her evil children have been the topic of past posts. The most recent one was about how she swears openly in front of both her children and that her 5 year old uses the f word like someone in the Marine Corps…frequently. Her 19 year old is also obese and is a positively rude and surly creature as well. Hello, can you say spinster? She’s so we’re-turning-the-basement-into-an-apartment.

Now it's obvious from Kayla's size that limits are not something this child is familiar with. I pulled Lily away from her and said right to her face, "No hitting, no pulling, and no shoving!!" Then, I said to her mother, "She hit Lily twice in front of all of us. You need to do something about this right now or she won't ever be playing with Lily again. Your daughter is a bully."

She freaking ignored me! She wouldn’t even look at me. She wasn't even embarrassed (at least from what I observed) or shocked at her behavior either. Smiling, she asked her daughter in a very sheepish manner, "Did you hit Lily?" Her tone was that of one almost afraid to ask the question. I was stunned! The little bitch said no obviously.

"Yes she did!" I said. "She did it right in front of us! Are you blind?"

Then the fat little cow threw herself on the floor in a full-blown temper tantrum screaming, "I didn't do nothing!" Not only is she thoroughly unappealing but her grammar sucks too. Not once did her mother apologize to me on her child's behalf nor did she even show any sympathy towards Lily. To tell you the truth I don't think she could ever win on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER.

People think that because I'm a parent that I immediately love all children. I don't...obviously. But my dad was right, imagine this said with his thick, Hungarian, Dracula-ish accent, "It's not de kids Sherry, it's de parents that are going to drive you crazy." Truer words never spoken.

We went back to the park today and yesterday and let me tell you I 'iced' Cluelessa both times. I used to chat with her just to pass the time or because she asked me a question. But today, I made it quite clear that I was not satisfied with her response, or lack of one, the other day.

And every time Kayla came close to touching Lily I said firmly to her, "Do not touch Lily. Go play with someone else. Lily is not allowed to play with you anymore because you hit her and the other children." Needless to say, I shadowed Lily at the playground today like Dick Cheney does George Bush.....I was always close by to do the dirty work. I was a helicopter parent.....I hovered.

KIDS WHO HIT AND THE PARENTS WHO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT Continued

The worst part is that this was not an isolated incident. Two weeks ago Kayla kicked one of the little boys right in his package. He cried, he was in pain, it was just awful. We were all outraged. Again, Cluelessa did nothing. Obviously, this child is observing other people being violent. What the hell is going on in this kids' home?!

When she hit Lily she not only punched her in the back, she slapped her face. It was at that point that I wish Lily hit her back but my child doesn't know what hitting is because we just don't do that in this house. I was so tempted to slap her myself, it took tremendous control on my part not to do it.

I was so tempted to shout out, "Stop that you fat little cow!" But I don't want this girl throwing up 8 years from now because some irate English woman yelled at her in the park. And let's face it, it's the mother who deserves the real telling off in this case.

But, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by myself, we don't hit so our child doesn't hit. I'm actually glad that Lily didn't hit her back because we live in Brooklyn and I must tell you that if you hit someone in the city you never know what he or she can come back at you with. The kid could be packing for all we know. You gotta be street wise in Brooklyn. We're sooooo moving next year.

But what are you supposed to do with a child like this in a public park? It's a free country. She and her mother can go wherever they please. I've spoken to the other mothers and grandfathers about saying something to Cluelessa about how we don't want her child to play with ours but they're all pretty ball-less when it comes to taking a stand. (Maybe theirs have been kicked in too.) I've even suggested going to another park. But I don't want to deny Lily the opportunity of playing with her school chums if the other parents don't go along as well.

What do you suggest? Have you dealt with another hands-off parent whose kid is hands-on? I'd really like to know.

The End Of The School Year

Lily's last day of school is June 27th. She attends Pre-K which is only two and a half hours a day as it is. But in June, she has 4 half days where she literally attends for only one hour and 15 minutes! Why bother?! Can you kill me please. PS - The whole school has four half days. I really need those two and a half hours a day to maintain my sanity and now they're cutting them in half?! Looks like mommy is going to be breaking out the Sangria again. I keep it in a Welch's Grape Juice bottle so the kids think I'm just being heart healthy.

Do these kids really need four half days in June? They're about to be off from school for the entire months of July and August. Is it really necessary to release them early in light of their impending siesta from education? It's too much. My friend, Karen, lives in Maine. All year long, every other Wednesday her kids have Early Release day where they come home at 12?? And that's Maine!!

When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s I used to pray for all these days off. In fact, when we had a half day we used to look forward to it for months....my mother did not obviously.

What do you think? Are your kids getting all sorts of days off this month too?? If you're a working mom let us know how you're coping with the constant juggling of your calendar and childcare.

When All The Boys Love Your Daughter

All the boys just love my daughter Lily. Maybe it's the blonde hair? The blue eyes? The constant inappropriate touching of herself in public? I don't know. But like moths to flame, Lily is the official boy-zapper, one look at her and they're falling. The little boy across the street has a crush on her now too. He said yesterday:

"Lily you're so pretty."

"I know Joe!" She replied haughtily. I was shocked.

I mentioned to my husband how she told off and blew off the boy from across the street. This was his response, "Good, I don't want all these fucking guys hanging around!"

"Fucking guys? He's seven," I replied.

My husband is already acting like a jealous boyfriend. Freud would have a field day with this one.

When I was growing up, my mother made sure to tell me that if I 'put out' that the boys would never call me back. But contrary to what she said, my phone never stopped ringing.

What advice did your mother give you about the opposite sex??

When Your Relative Becomes A Tee Shirt: Another Photo

Giant flag hoisted above the firehouse.

When Your Relative Becomes A Tee Shirt

We celebrated the official renaming of a street on Long Island in my brother-in-law's name over the weekend. He was a fire fighter killed at the WTC on 9/11. Now, the busy stretch of road in front of his old volunteer firehouse is called Peter Brennan Way.

It's a tremendous honor for the community to bestow upon one person and he is truly deserving of it. He was a volunteer fire fighter and EMS worker in his community for 15 years. He was very dedicated to helping people. He was tireless in this pursuit as well, almost obsessive. However, it still comes as a shock to see his name on a street sign. It's weird. Like when I see his face on the back of someone's tee shirt (printed to raise money for the volunteer houses) it kind of takes my breath away. It's surreal. I almost feel like going up to the good person who bought the shirt and saying, "Hey you know that guy on your shirt? I used to have Christmas dinner with him."

It was a lovely ceremony attended by family, friends, members of the community, politicians and hundreds of firemen. It's been almost 6 years since that awful day so the passage of time really softened the emotional blow for everyone....albeit one woman.

The only person there who didn't stop crying the entire time was his mother, my sister's mother-in-law. For her, it's still September 12th, 2001. Every time I see ya ya (Greek for grandmother), she always mentions something that reminds us of him. She's neither maudlin nor attention seeking just sad.

A rabbi once told me that a man who loses a wife is called a widower. A woman who loses her husband is called a widow. But for a parent who loses a child there is no word because there are no words. How true.

Now that I am a mother myself, I cannot even fathom (nor do I want to) the depth of her grief. It's not like she doesn't have grandchildren or other children of her own but one doesn't replace the other.

And witnessing her grief all over again just reminded me of the senselessness of war especially the one we're in now. How many mothers all over this country are grieving the loss of their young sons in battle? How many Iraqi mothers are grieving the loss of their entire families? And communities?

Does a penis really require that much blood that it stops the rest of it from flowing to the brain??!! Help me out here moms. If I sound bitter about the subject it's because I am.

Sherry Davey's Celebrity Fashion Quips Featured in LIFE & STYLE Magazine

Just wanted to let you know that if you like celebrity mags, that I've joined the regular staff of comics in the weekly "Style Slip Ups" Section of LIFE & STYLE MAGAZINE. This weeks' issue has Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie on the cover. You know how much I hate celebrities (jealous), so I'm really glad to get back at them! My snarky comments are on pages 70 & 71.

Child Birth - Take The Drugs!!!

A friend just delivered a healthy 8.4 pound boy but labored for 38 hours in the process! OMG! What?! In this day and age?! She waited till her 'window of opportunity' passed before asking for drugs. What a fool.

My advice, take the drugs!! I had an epidural. In fact, I was so worried I'd miss my 'window' that I got to the hospital early....three months in fact. It made the last trimester bearable. And my baby was born healthy despite the drugs....in fact, my little turkey weighed in at 9.5 pounds. And I recovered quicker from the birth because I wasn't traumatized by the experience.

No one cares how long you labored for. No one cares that you suffered for 2 days and ruptured your rectum in the process. They don't put it on your tombstone. After a while, everyone forgets...except you!! You have 18 years to prove yourself as a mother. Don't be a martyr....unless you want the 79 virgins. Take the drugs for Christ's sake.