Harry Potter Is Doing My Floors Today

The guy who's coming to re-finish my wood floors today is named Mr. Potter and I just found out his first name is Harry! He's such a fan of the literary series that he's had Harry Potter's trademark facial scar tattooed to his forehead! Let the teasing begin.....though I made sure not to ask him to show me his magic wand for fear he would. A little muggle humor. His assistant is a huge wall of a man who is not a far stretch from Hagrid. I think he should play up the whole thing more and wear an English schoolboy uniform and play that theme music in his van.

What do you think?

Decluttering The Office

I have an office upstairs. Actually, when I say office I mean dumping ground for: old clothes; toys; paperwork; the plunger; parts of Lily's crib; product warranty manuals; hundreds of hours of video tape of me doing stand up dating back to when the earth was still cooling; and at least 30 binders of financial information and tax returns that go way beyond seven years ago (can you say shredder?).

I have made it my mission this month while Lily is at day camp, to declutter the office and basically get rid of all that crap up there to make room for my latest project....a new baby. Basically, I'm making room for more stuff. Yes, we are seriously trying for another now so I need to make room.....especially in my body. So, that means I need to declutter my abdomen as well and throw out all the fat I've been collecting over the past four years. I think decluttering sounds so much nicer than losing weight, don't you?!

I see all the ads on TV promoting pills that help us get rid of "unsightly belly fat". I know pills are not the answer but boy is it tempting. Remember cocaine? The greatest thing about that drug was no back fat. Pablo Escobar was a genius. No wonder why coke was so popular in Miami, it was the pressure to wear a bikini.

When I think back on all the diets I've been on over the past ten years my head spins. I'll never forget the first time I went to a Weight Watchers meeting and the counselor told me it was a, and I quote, "a live-it not a die-it". She was actually serious. That's when I excused myself to go to the bathroom and made my escape. Luckily, the Weight Watchers was right next door to a Baskin Robbins so I made sure to "live-it" with Mint Chocolate Chip.

The most tortuous diet for me was Atkins. Do you remember that? Couldn't eat bread, bread crumbs. You couldn't even get a yeast infection on that thing.

Funny Moms In New Jersey

Mamas Night Out! starring Karen Morgan, Nancy Witter & Sherry Davey

Just wanted to let you know that a really funny trio of mommy-centric comedians (which I'm a member of) are appearing this Sunday, July 22nd, at 3:00PM in New Jersey. It's the first time we're appearing in NJ at a major theatre. We just kicked off the summer theatre season in Maine at Deer Trees with a sold out show! Here is all the info:

Ocean First Theater
Stafford Township Arts Center
1000 McKinley Avenue
Manahawkin, New Jersey
http://www.njstac.com/
609-489-8600
Sunday, July 22, 2007
3:00PM

Looking forward to seeing you there!!!

Prosti-tots

Okay, I saw another young girl this morning dressed like an absolute whore. I have it on good authority that she's only 9 (a nosy neighbor told me). She was wearing a cut off denim mini skirt and it was so short you could practically see what she had for dinner the night before. And, you're not going to believe this.....she was wearing a thong!! I'm not kidding you!!! When I was 9, I was so clueless fashion wise, I didn't care about panty lines at all. And if you gave me something as uncomfortable as a thong to wear I might have just used it to catapault spitballs at my sister with.

PS - I only know about the thong because she bent over to pick up a ball and the whole playground had a good look. Another Amber Alert Centerfold. On a side note, I love the show TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

She was also wearing mules with a chunky, little heel. She had a purse slung over her shoulder too. She looked like she was ready to go off to work....the West Side Highway. She made me a little sad. They're in such a rush to grow up these kids. I know my neighbor fights with her 12 year old on a daily basis over her school wardrobe. Heather tries to dress her tweenager like a young lady but the child wants to look like a street walker. And those bloody Bratz Dolls aren't helping either!

But what do you do? Encouraging your children to make their own decisions (especially when it comes to clothing) is an important part of growing up. It's part of how they express themselves and their individuality. However, I do believe that dressing provacatively is not so unique anymore rather it's the norm for little girls. Sometimes kids need to hear the word no. And listen I'm sure the little prosti-tot's mum tries to encourage her to wear less revealing clothing but who the heck is purchasing thongs for this child? And more importantly, who is manufacturing them?!

Another Tired Mom Story....

I thought Lily would actually be sleeping more this summer. Between three full days a week at camp, the heat and swimming in the pool for five hours at a clip, I thought she'd actually be tired enough to sleep later than 6:00am but NNNOOOOOOOOO!!

I'm so over tired I can't even think anymore. The bags under my eyes are now permanent. I actually purchased that Bare Minerals make up, you know from the late night TV infomercial, in the hopes that something could cover up the purple circles around my eyes. I'm getting desperate people! This is how little judgement I have: I'm watching infomercials and believing them. This time next week I'll be buying real estate with no money down.

This is how tired I am: I had a colonoscopy last week and while laying on the table all I could think was, wow! This is so relaxing.

Help!

Are your kids sleeping? If not, what do you do to combat fatigue?

Wish You Were Here

Nicole Kouveras, Leah Dubie & I (all comics) at the legendary Ice Palace in Cherry Grove, Fire Island, USA

Hey there people! Hope you're having a great summer. I just did a show at the Ice Palace in Cherry Grove, Fire Island. Of course, the show was hosted by a drag queen - not me - a real one. Although, between the hours of make up application and the bra stuffing, I'm starting to feel like one.

Any way, the host brought up several lip synching drag queens and Miss Fire Island 2006 who actually does sing....and very well might I add. At one point, some tired drag queen from the 1970s got up and started berating all the young drag queens. Holding a huge tumbler of gin, she stumbled onto the stage and bellowed out, "Let's give it up for the draq queens of 1976, we really had it going on, we really knew how to dress like a woman!"

Suddenly, from out of the darkness, a lone voice in the back of the room shouted out, "Shut up Frank!"

It was HILARIOUS!!!

Happy Birthday America!!

Happy 4th of July my fellow Americans and to my English brethren I say light a candle and forget 'em. I adore the 4th of July because it's one birthday I don't have to buy a gift for. The weather is just awful here in NYC today. I think the annual Macy's Fireworks Display is going to be outdone by rain for the first time in about eight years. I'm so disappointed.

This was going to be the first year that we were going to bring our four year old to see the fireworks. Alas, I don't think so. The only thing I hate more than fighting the crowds is fighting a wet crowd. New Yorkers get all desperate and co-dependent when it rains. I've seen them literally push children out of the way in order to seek shelter from the cleanest thing in the city - rain.

So today, we're just going to have the immediate family over for a little barbecue. What did you do for the 4th??