Contrary to what my Hungarian father first thought, childrens museums are not museums stuffed with children (only on weekends and holidays). They are terrific places to visit. Lily always loves the marine displays. I told her, get used to swimming in the ocean because with global warming, by the time you grow up you'll be living in water world.

We've got a bit of a roach problem here in Brooklyn.

Lily started complaining about stomach pains not long after we arrived at the zoo.

It doesn't matter where we are, who we're with and even if we just made pee pee, Lily is always grabbing her crotch. She particularly likes to do this in restaurants, in public, at formal family gatherings like weddings and wherever else I can be embarrassed by it. Why?!

When I ask my husband why he simply replies, "Why not? If I could do that all the time I'd never leave the house." Great. Thanks. That's really helpful.

Look at that photo. It's like a moment of Zen. Lily on a lily pad, the lush Monet inspired background. She looks positively angelic except for those fingers wedged in her tush! I love when people try to talk to her when she's got those fingers in her crotch, that's truly a vagina monologue.

I gently remind her not to do this but I don't want to make it an issue. What do you recommend? I need your help. Does your child do this?

PS - Just read Beckey's comment and yes we've had her thoroughly checked for yeast and urinary tract infections and she has neither. She's a-okay physically.

I just had to show you this photo of Lily and her dad at the Prairie Dog exhibit at the Brooklyn Zoo. They look like they're on the moon or something....are those moon rocks?! No, they're turds! This shot made me laugh out loud it's so ridiculous.

Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Here's a picture of Lily practising on her new piano - a gift from her grandparents. Lily has such love of music and a tremendous zeal for playing any and all musical instruments. Here's the latest instrument to be added to her collection. To tell you the truth, I prefer she play with them than those lead laden toys from China. And if we have another baby...I'm convinced there will be a star over Bethlehem first...and there is some lead in the piano somewhere, at least it's too big to put in the baby's mouth. And if one of my children ever tries to put a piano in their mouth I'll have their IQ tested before their blood.

You generally don't hear stories about people sucking on pianos.....unelss it's last call and they're really desperate.

A friend of mine told me about this story. I don't know if it's true, if the tiger was drugged or someone deserves an award for their photoshop-ing skills but nevertheless, it's an interesting story and exemplifies the whole point of this post.

In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health,

Although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment.

Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of weanling pigs.

The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. Would they become cubs or pork chops?

I didn't believe my eyes either when I first read this story. Yesterday, when I returned from the memorial service at the WTC where I laid flowers for my brother-in-law, a dear friend and for all the poor souls who perished that day, I opened the email containing this story. A friend sent it. She thought it would cheer me up....it did.

There were tears and whining, they kept saying "Hug me"....and that was just the parents. Yesterday, was a sad but brilliant day for Lily. It was her first day of Kindergarten. She's enrolled in a full day program (8:00am-2:20pm).

It was strange yet comforting when I went to say goodbye to Lily and took a few moments to reassure her only to have her say, "Okay, see you later, go home now." Obviously, she's ready for school. (At least that's what I tell myself.)

I went to the orientation today and her teacher informed us that at 11:00am one of the students went over to his cubby and took out his backpack. He put it on and proclaimed, "Thank you but I think I've had enough, I'm going home now." Well, that brought the house down.

Any rate, I adore her teachers and am very impressed with them overall. She's in a terrific classroom. So bright and full of fun, educational things and oh yes, I almost forgot,......they have a pet Tarantula in the class. Lovely. Apparently, during the holiday recess one of the students needs to volunteer his or her family to take care of it. I made sure to volunteer the woman standing next to me.

I remember when my sister brought home the class lizard over the winter break and it died. It was something like 80 years old. Okay maybe it wasn't but she said it was. (She was 8 at the time.) It was awkward carrying that empty cage down the long winding hallway. I remember my mum having that uncomfortable chat with the teacher.

"It must have been something he ate," mum said.

"What did he eat?" The teacher inquired.

"Steak," mum replied.

"They don't eat steak." The teacher declared indignantly.

"Well there you go," said mum with not a moments hesitation....then she flicked her cigarette ash on the floor.

At the risk of sounding like a festishist, I love my four year olds' feet. I know it's weird to devote a whole post to this topic, it's not like I'm promoting some illicit site either, but I just can't stop myself. You're thinking, Sherry needs to get out more....maybe you're right.

When they're all cleaned up, meaning I've washed all the croc-ness and dirt off them, Lilys' feet are just delicious. Kids' feet are the bomb. They're small, cute and don't reek quite like adult feet do. Believe me, when she's been wearing her sneakers/trainers they can be pretty ripe but overall they are one of my many favorite things about her.

I especially love it when her toenails are painted too. However, this photo makes me a little sad because her feet look so grown up. Now I really sound like a Jewish mother.

I never heard someone read a Snickers bar label with such zeal before. Okay, Snickers is about 280 calories a bar but my favorite granola bar (supposedly packed with protein) is 320 calories. From now on, I think I'm going to enjoy a Snickers before my workout. And it's a scientific fact, Snickers keeps your hunger away.

She's not a small woman either nor is her husband who is at least 6'2" tall. She's just one or two inches shorter than me and I'm 5'8". Yet her children are tiny! They're more than petite they're Lilliputian. I have seen her on more than one occasion take food that she considered fatty like pizza out of her children's mouths. Only to see her two minutes later, stuffing her face with the very same pizza she took from them! It's soooo disturbing.

I've gently tried to suggest to her that kids need more fat than we do in their diet because their metabolism is higher than ours and they need food energy to grow. I also said that just because we're dieting our children shouldn't be on one. Only, to have my head bitten clear off. (She would have eaten it only it was too high in fat.) I hate everybody.

So this brings up another issue too.....what do you do when you hate the parents of your children’s' friends?? My father still claims (imagine with a thick Hungarian, Dracula sounding accent), "It's not de kids Sherry, it's the parents I hate!" So based on my new found hatred of this woman, remember this is a comedy blog I'm not Deepak Chopra, I jumped down her throat when we were in the park on Sunday (before she could shove the food down it) when I saw her take cookies (which were Organic Newman’s Own Oreos that I brought!) away from her daughter.

I gave her a copy of the Reuters article on the topic of kids and low fat diets (I was armed for an argument). I agreed with her that yes, kids today eat too much junk food but that moderation was key in everything......however, moderation is something this woman clearly doesn't understand. Unfortunately, I have to listen to her when our kids are playing and each conversation is chock full of her dysfunctional life and marriage. I think I'm going to feign sudden deafness from now on. It's a shame really because Lily just adores her daughter. I don't want to stand in the way of their friendship but Oi Vey already!!!

She thinks I'm strange because I play with the kids on the swings and on the slide but I'll do anything to get away from her. She always jokes, "Oh Sherry, you're such a kid at heart." Meanwhile, I'm thinking the word of the day is avoidance! And when she's not looking I slip her kids some bacon. From now on, I'm going to do a shot of something before our play dates.....maybe Bailey's....that's high in fat and alcohol.

Okay, so the air quality on Staten Island isn't so great but I'd much rather visit our friends there than stay home any day. I offered to take my friend's son with me because she works and I know her nanny is very lazy. She declined. Now maybe she was worried about letting me drive her little angel with out her present I can see that. But instead she replied, "Oh, it's too hot out today to play outside. Jeffrey is just going to stay in and play with his toys." Which is code for: he's going to watch TV all day while his nanny talks on her cell phone.

I see so many nannies on their cell phones at the parks and play grounds. They simply ignore the children while they chat away for ages oblivious to the goings on around them. It's quite a recipe for disaster. I call them virtual nannies because they look like they're there when they're not. I'd like to hit the delete button on a lot of these women or at least refresh their page. And a lot of them are paid really well too!

I have several friends with nanny issues but the cell phone one is the most common complaint. However, I have a great idea to stop your nanny from being on the cell phone all day. Now this will only work if she agrees to show you her cell phone records, hey while you're at it check their text message counts as well. Tell her at the end of the year that you're going to give her a bonus based on the minutes she uses during her work hours. If they total less than 30 minutes per day she gets $1000. Believe me it will be worth it!

Okay, the last time I wore a bathing suit with a built in skirt was when I was sporting maternity clothes....and I really was pregnant not just fat. Now, I'm just the latter. This is what I've been reduced to ladies: tankinis with matching sarongs. I never used to be embarrassed about my body but I really think I'm developing a body dysmorphic disorder. I'm only a size 10 and I don't think that is really that huge. I say only a size 10 because I read somewhere that the size of the average American woman is 16. (I love reading articles like that, I can never remember who was buried in Grants tomb but facts like those I never forget.)

Any way, as I was saying......my mother purchased (I think that made it worse) a swimming skirt for me for my birthday. It was a real wake up call. I'll never forget when my husband wryly asked if I packed my 'Swimming Frock' when we were heading out to Nantucket. I felt like saying, "Go ahead, have an affair I'm tired of you already!" As soon as Lily goes back to school (Tuesday), I'm going to sign up for kick boxing classes. So the next time my husband makes a crack like that I'll just have to drop kick his ass.

I recently went to Jenny Craig. They told me their program was going to cost $750 plus the cost of food. The woman asked me, "Realistically, how much do you hope to lose on Jenny Craig?" I replied, "$750 plus the cost of food."

What is it about light houses that attracts children so much?! Is it the comforting familiarity of the color schemes: black and white; or red and white? Is it that they don't look like any other houses? They're so identifiable, like firemen? Or is that they represent a beacon of hope in a storm?

Brant Point was the latest light house to be crossed off on Lily's 'Map Of American Light Houses' that we've visited. We're up to 14 now. She's obsessed with light houses. When we move, her new room will definitely sport a nautical theme. But I'll keep the bottle of rum in my room.

Lily loves to climb. She's been scaling the heights ever since the first time she climbed our book shelf when she was a wee eleven months old. Play ground spider webs are one of her favorite things to play on. She kept busy for about an hour on this one at the beach. She fell once but the soft sand broke her fall. She looked upset but I just kept a big smile on my face as I shouted out, "It's okay, no blood!" That always works. If only Johnson & Johnson could make a first aid kit that shouted out "no blood" and gave magic kisses the world would be a better place.